Have you seen this?
BSs...... Poland C is not a Plan

Gave, stop letting this man manipulate you and think you have no choices. POJA means you are one of the spouses and if you are not enthusiastic, stop! Stop teaching your kids that it's okay to let a spouse dictate to you what you should do, without speaking up. That the triad isn't worth it. Learn how to protect yourself from that without agreeing to see your kids once every other week I am so sad for you and I don't see you getting any better or healthier.

If you wanted to start living a life of integrity and making your own decisions, what resources are available to you to support you in this? Have you written to Dr. Harley yet about how you let your H talk you into leaving town for 2 years and giving up custody of your kids for that length of time?

Sorry for the absence. Had some problems with my computer and it's difficult to access via my phone.

Work is crazy, staff are not following instructions, etc., I'm really working 9-8pm, cooking, cleaning, sleeping...I tried to Facetime with my kids whenever I could.

I don't think my husband wants me to give up custody because he loves the kids and sees the advantage of my emotional and support for them. There is no benefit to him to cut me off from the kids, except schadenfreude...ah, another word invented by the Germans.

In fact, he wants me to help to pay for their school fees and future college tuition fees. I won't receive any alimony, he has an accountant who has helped him hide whatever profits he has earned, and I was stupid enough to agree not to ever meet this accountant.

I'm so frustrated he has also talked my friends into persuading me to foot school fees of $1800 a month for my son's private high school, for my flailing son! I want to save up to afford my own apartment some day, and for the college tuition of *both* children. It's his fault for deciding we should all live in an insanely expensive city, where the public school system is unsuitable for my son.

I was having a good talk with a visiting friend over dinner the night before. She is in a similar situation, perhaps worse abuses, though her ex Husband supported the family while I supported mine. There were so many parallels, it was uncanny.

In the end, all we could do is forgive them, understand they are what they are, they were formed by their families long before we married them after a whirlwind romance. Neither of us feel they would change, and we refuse to suffer any longer in a bad marriage to men who deflect all their frustrations, all their anger, all the unpleasantness, sacrifices and inconveniences in their lives to their wives. We're just punching bags and work slaves at their disposal. Unfortunately, they are unable to "see" this is what they are like.

I went back to see the kids and we all took the kids out together. I didn't know at that time but my son gave his wallet to H for safe-keeping. Later, when he asked H for his wallet, H insisted that he gave it to me. I repeated many times that H did not hand the wallet to me, I showed H my bag, etc. At a certain point, H reached into his own pocket and found the wallet.

This is a small matter, but it is an illustration what life is like with H, everyday.

His automatic reaction is to heap the troubles, problems and blame he encounters on me. It is always me, first, who is to be blamed, no matter how trivial or serious the matter. No matter what goes wrong, he finds a way to protect himself and shift the responsibility and blame onto me, it is his default mode. I can't argue with that. The onus is always on me to prove my innocence of what he accused me of.

This is why I don't even want to try to mend the marriage. I don't even hold it against H that he is hell-bent on protecting himself at all cost at my expense, it's his nature. If I could act this way and get away with it, perhaps I would too. Why not keep the best for oneself, and throw the bad at one's spouse? My only solution is to get out of his way.

I would like to talk to Dr Harley about the path forward, but I am pessimistic about mending the marriage. I simply don't want to. Talking to my friend helps, I am not alone, we both did our best, we tried to hang in there till we couldn't take it any longer.

We also understand we can't dwell on the past. Towards our husbands, we can only forgive and try our darnedest to be compassionate. They are both good fathers. We can remove ourselves but we must do what's best for the kids, so we have decided to avoid ugly court battles that deplete both parties and deal with the separation one day at a time until all of us found our way.

I do want to add that distance, emails and text messages did make our communication less fraught, even though we are communicating about neutral matters such as work issues, kids' school performance, etc. He seems to have buried himself in work, we're both doing that.

I think this is a good idea. You can't fail with free advice from an expert.

Let us know when you hear back from the Harleys.

I just want to let you know that I'm reading the thread over and over again to gather my thoughts. I am crazy busy with delivering work, dealing with unscrupulous counterparties, etc. and having a small operation scheduled to boot...so I am taking my time to go about this.

I can't overcome my desire to separate from my husband, this is why I don't even want to try for Plan B. I just don't love him anymore, and never felt the slightest love from him for most of our marriage. This is why I try to imagine how our marriage dynamics could change but I can't, it's been 13 years living with a certain personality, I have serious doubts about change.

I don't know why but I feel hopeless about H and I have given up. I feel too tired to try anymore. Just too tired and convinced deep inside me there isn't any hope.

His parents are so old and yet still so easily angered, demanding and difficult to live with, there's little wisdom that one associates with the older and wiser. They have promoted strife between H and I rather than helped us with our difficulties. Age has not mellowed them. I can't help thinking that what I see will be what I'm getting - their son will likely be the same in future as well.

Life is short, I really have to think hard about my and my family's future.

I can visualize a more idyllic and less stressful life, I don't mind working hard and living frugally, but life has to have some meaning and joy.

I can see it but it's not coming true...it's not a vision shared by H, I don't know what he sees in this life he has decided to lead for himself, but it satisfies some need in him. I can respect his wish to live as he decides. However, what he wants and decides is absolute hell for me.

I am postponing the inevitable for as long as I can. I have accepted that K is like this, won't change much, and I have few options left and trying to take the least harmful for the kids.

Did you do this?

Not yet....I'm now preoccupied by a potentially big health problem...I'll update when I receive more news...so unhappy...

I am presently separated because my husband was abusive and did not contribute financially to anything although he was working and had a pension monthly. Now I hear he is telling people he is pretty done with me and trying to slander my name. What should I do?

Have you gone to the police? Spoke to a lawyer?

Also, I would start your own thread so yours doesn't get burried here on someone else's thread.

Update?

Update: I'm still living and working in the city 2 hours away from H and the 2 kids. Work has been tough, delivering the desired results to Client though slow and stressful, as I am still managing a new setup and a new team.

H's office is now almost deserted, one staff left, and he is moving to a new office as the lease is up.

I still don't understand why he would spend $$$ on renting an office space with no new projects coming in, but I am used to his wastefulness.

Money just gets drained....I have to stop worrying about it, as it just results in grief and worry to myself.


H has sent vicious phone texts that are hurtful and ridiculous, accusing me of wrecking the office, accusing me of being "sweet" to my current staff and mean to the previous staff because I wanted to hurt him and his office, telling me my delivery to the Client is severely inadequate and scaring me that I am not fulfilling the contracts even though Client likes the designs, etc.

At one point, on my daughter's birthday, I was just so devastated by the pining for my kids, stressed out by work, under-performing colleagues and difficult Client, so hurt and damaged by fresh new vicious accusations from H that I took a day off to cry in my apartment.

I nearly broke down and thoughts of suicide entered my mind.

H's father passed away 3 days ago and I'm now back home taking care of my kids while he traveled back to Germany.

I am taking the opportunity to have a break and also to read up more about personality disorders and co-dependency while the kids are in school and H in Germany.

Both arise out of the same types of dysfunctional families like mine and H's, I became what I am and H became what he is, and we were both fatally attracted like human magnets, ying and yang, etc.

I have been so drained by H, I have to try to move as far away as possible one day.

Work is difficult, I hate it, but it could open some doors.

So I am asking myself if I would like to pursue an open door for my own career taking off in a city I dislike or if I should pursue greater inner peace and happiness as my priority, which could mean I won't get to become a professional designer anymore, but live in a more idyllic, calmer city?

I have given up on any thoughts about saving the marriage and H. I can see that H has grown up in a very dark place, his parents scare the daylights out of me, he has been shaped by his own familial upbringing. However, I must first save myself, I have my own problems of growing up as a co-dependent. I have to learn to accept love and refuse unhealthy and abnormal relationships like the one with H.

You would be using your time far more effectively if you spent it learning about MB.

Nobody is telling you that you have to stay in a marriage that makes you miserable, quite the opposite but since you started posting, all you have done is complain about your finances and be incredibly disrespectful towards your husband. When you are called out on this, you just ignore it.

MB has plan A and plan B for your situation. Neither involve blogging or disrespect.

I am amazed that the mods have not closed down your thread.

living_well, I am replying to the poster who asked for an update of my situation.

If you dislike this thread, and do not wish to see it, kindly stay away and refrain from any interaction on this thread.

Did you talk to the Harleys?

I did email to the email address but have received no reply so far.

Since I am unsure if I even want to be with H, I don't know how to approach this.

I'm trying to clear my mind, I am trying to understand what has been going on throughout our marriage, a lot of it, especially the controlling, the cruelty, the incessant lies, the bizarre accusations and blaming really messed with me.

There was no love, and in his own words, he used to love me many many years ago until I proved unworthy of his love!

I do function better without much contact with H, somewhat normal, at least not constantly in despair, though sometimes startled by the fact that I'm truly alone and on my own now, and sad as I miss my kids terribly.

Update on health...not good, early stages of a potentially big problem later.

Email them again and if you don't get a response in a couple of days (they usually respond pretty quickly) then notify the MODS so they can notify the Harleys.

If the marriage is affecting your health then you really need to look into separating.

She has separated.
But the issue is that she does not have a plan.

Yes I know this, and she hasn't got a plan and that's why she needs a plan.

And her "separation" is because of her job. And she is living away from her children.

Yes, you are all quite right. Other than taking the work opportunity to separate from H, I don't have a plan.

I don't want to appear as abandoning my children.

I'm so sorry that the drama has caught up with me and I waste energy on breaking down often. Thank you for your support.

For a long time, I was hoping that a light bulb will just turn on in H and he will "see" that it's not right to do a lot of things he has done to me, eg. not letting me have a say, treat every disagreement as an attack, hiding important decisions from me, spending money like water.

Nothing ever works because he refuses to talk, and if he does, will again turn everything around, change the facts, gaslighting, accusing me and blaming me, etc.

If he can't even face the truths honestly then I don't even have the basic "reality framework" to even discuss POJA.

This is why I am puzzled and trying to understand what I am dealing with in H. My friends who are trying to help find him sympathetic and are all suspicious of me, my facts and my sanity until I show them evidence, eg. his SMS.

H accuses me of the very things I described here, the changing of facts, gaslighting, of mental instability, of Machiavellian plotting, of narcissism, etc.

I can only say that I don't have any reason to lie here, it's anonymous after all!

This is why I prefer divorcing, it's just so much hardwork trying to untangle this mess, I don't wnat to deal with H anymore.

It's rare to deal with someone who projects, and who is entirely convinced of another reality.

This gaslighting is the most difficult aspect of dealing with H, and this is the one that drives me crazy as I am on the defensive constantly to prove that I'm not the crazy one.

I will write to Dr Harley again about this, after I figure out what to do, divorce, separate or work on the marriage.

This site has helped in understanding many marital difficulties, I m reading other threads with great interest as well.