I would start by getting her full name, address and cell phone #. You need to find everything about her. This is not negotiable information. It is information about your life that you have a right to know. Don't take no for an answer. If he won't tell you WHO the woman is, I would pack his bags and show him to the door, because he is NOT SERIOUS about recovery if he intends on keeping secrets from you.

The Plan starts with him ending contact FOR LIFE with his OW. You cannot take his word for this, you need to verify this through snooping. You also need to follow the checklist ML posted to make it next to impossible for them to communicate again.

Obviously you cannot protect yourself or your marriage against a threat that is a mystery. If your WH is serious about recovery he would gladly give you that information so you can protect yourself. The fact that he is hiding her identity means that he is not serious and is protecting HER over you or your marriage.

Many time when someone is protecting their AP 1) the affair is still ON or 2) the AP is someone in their every day lives and the fallout from exposure would be very impactful.

His OW could be your neighbor or your best friend for all you know. You need to know this to protect yourself! If he won't tell you her identity, you need to snoop and find out on your own.

x 2

How old are your children?

Do you live in the States?

Welcome to MB

Do you still have this evidence? Is it texts or emails?

Ok I know what I need to do next, I just hope I have the strength I can't take much more, thank you for your advice.

No he deleted everything I was stupid not to copy the number down

Check his phone records for numbers.

My children are 8 & 9 I live in ireland

Have these people confronted WH? You need to expose his affair to other relevant targets...his/your parents, other siblings, your children (they are old enough). If WH refuses to ID the OW then that also can be part of your exposure.

You weren't stupid. Dday is a horrific blow to a BS. Please don't beat yourself up.

You can also put a keylogger on his phone.

Yes, you have the strength! Just choose to use it. Don't settle for crumbs, my friend. You will dearly regret it.

Can you access your/his cell phone records online where you are at?

Look for the phone number that rings a bell from when you saw it previously.

Go through his Contact List and download all of the data into a secret folder and then save it to a Flash Drive.

Look for frequent calls to the same numbers at all sorts of times during the day and night, but especially immediately after he left home for work.

Put your foot down and insist, and if he refuses to cooperate, asked him to pack his things.

That will give him time to think.

You will need to do a wider exposure for sure, but it would be very helpful if you knew who the POSOW was.

Find Out.

Check out his FaceBook Page in secret if you can.

Purchase a computer keylogger and a cell phone spy keylogger.

Hide a VAR, Voice Activated Recorder under the drivers seat of his car, attached with velcro. Usually, you can find out everything you need to know within 2-3 days with that method.

Don't Blow Up at him. Even though you are breaking apart, Only Calm, Cool thinking will get you through this.

Don't beg. Don't look weak. You WILL persevere and get through this stronger, regretfully, than you ever knew.

What EXACTLY are your plans?

The more astute veterans need to know how you are implementing the plan, without having to prod you for details.

Keep posting. If you need privacy, then go to the public library and use the computers there.

LTL

What is a key logger? I've looked for his phone bill but can't find it, I'm going to go to his workshop when I know he's out on a job and see if he is keeping his phone records there . I did check there the day after d day when I was mad but found nothing.

We only have 1 computer that we all use and I found nothing on that, he's not on Facebook or any other social media there is only his phone and everything has been deleted from that. My plan at the moment is to find them phone records so I can sit down with him and get him to admit he's still in contact and take it from there. I have no family here and very little money at the moment after a hard year so if I make a move with the children it will have to be back to the uk to be around my family.

He can buy an affair phone.
They have no records and are very cheap.

i agree about the phone, i think my only option is to send him packing. the worry i have about this is we live in a small village and im afraid i will see him every day, i dont know how me and the kids will cope with that!

Don't sit down with him to get him to admit anything. If the phone records show there is contact, that is all you need. He should not be aware of any of your snooping and you don't need his admission either.


I would give him a firm deadline to disclose the identity of the OW...like tonight. If he refuses I would start make plans to go back to the UK. You will be spinning your wheels if you don't know who OW is. Recovery will never happen. Have you exposed his affair to your family yet? You should. They can offer support and help you prepare to move if it comes to that.

i have only revealed the affair to my sister and sister in law in the u.k i know they will support me its just such a big move im not worried how i will cope im worried how my children will react being dragged from school and everything they are familiar with. i know i should be just focusing on what is best for us in the long run.

You need to expose on OW's side.

Have you checked online phone records to get the number and then check whose name the number belongs to?

well i searched everywhere for phone number and couldnt find one so me and my h sat down and i explained how i needed to know everything to be able to move on. he finally gave me her name and it was the person my gut was telling me it was although i could barely believe it because she is his cousin, in 16 years of us being together we maybe see her once a year.
i got her number and confronted her and she is deranged i was shocked at how mad she was compared to how calm and collected i was. her story was the same as his, the affair started in december last year and they ended things around 4 weeks ago and she hates him.this all happened a couple of hours ago!!