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You need to expose to the whole family now.
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He didn't want to tell you because he could still see her at family events. Has you read the book Surviving an Affair yet? No contact will be harder because of the family.
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No contact will be harder because of the family. Harder in what sense?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Harder in the sense that other family members may try to bring his AP around.
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It makes exposure that much more crucial so the rest of the family know what is going on.
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Harder in the sense that other family members may try to bring his AP around. Bring her around what?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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He didn't want to tell you because he could still see her at family events. Has you read the book Surviving an Affair yet? No contact will be harder because of the family. If people here can avoid work colleagues (by changing job) and neighbours (by moving house) and former best friends - people that they potentially see every day, and whose existence is tied up with their home, church or their employment, how much harder can it be to avoid a cousin - and one that they only saw "perhaps once a year"? Avoiding this cousin will involve not going to family functions at which she might be present. These appear to take place no more than once a year. How is that situation harder than any number of cases active on the forum right now?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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The ow does not come to our family events only the events that involve their aunt who is a nun and visits on the rare occasion. I have made it clear that we will not attend these events anymore. The ow does not live or work in our town and is not friends with any of our friends. She was not expecting me to contact her as she thought she was far enough away from my home life and circle of friends to not guess it was her she thought it was over and finished and I would never find out her identity because my h would be too ashamed to tell me.
hurt@soconfused
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 Did WH grow up with her? This is an incestuous affair. Is that a deal breaker for you?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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By all means, the nun aunt will be exhillarated, if you expose to her.
me, DH
all the children
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No they did not grow up together in fact it's only the last 7 or 8 years that her side of the family started to make an effort to turn up to any events that's why I don't really know her. If it was a close cousin then yes it would be a deal breaker.
hurt@soconfused
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I have no intentions of humiliating their nun aunt who has done nothing wrong, is near retirement age and is fabulous caring women I simply could not do that to her.
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I have no intentions of humiliating their nun aunt who has done nothing wrong, is near retirement age and is fabulous caring women I simply could not do that to her. How is it humiliating? If she is a deeply religious woman such as a nun, she is an ideal person to ask for help in fighting adultery.
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Is it possible to rebuild our marriage and for him to be "in love" with me again without full exposure???
hurt@soconfused
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That maybe true but my wh is very close to his aunt and I know things would never be the same again he wouldn't be able to face her and this would hurt her a lot and she just lost her brother and sister
hurt@soconfused
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No they did not grow up together in fact it's only the last 7 or 8 years that her side of the family started to make an effort to turn up to any events that's why I don't really know her. If it was a close cousin then yes it would be a deal breaker. I'm confused by the bold. You're okay that it's with his cousin, but if it was a close cousin that's the deal breaker?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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No they did not grow up together in fact it's only the last 7 or 8 years that her side of the family started to make an effort to turn up to any events that's why I don't really know her. If it was a close cousin then yes it would be a deal breaker. I'm confused by the bold. You're okay that it's with his cousin, but if it was a close cousin that's the deal breaker? On the cousin thing: first cousin marriages are legal in the UK; I don't know about Ireland. I think, because of that, while we do have a degree of the "yuk" factor about the issue, it probably isn't as great as where it is actually illegal.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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No they did not grow up together in fact it's only the last 7 or 8 years that her side of the family started to make an effort to turn up to any events that's why I don't really know her. If it was a close cousin then yes it would be a deal breaker. I'm confused by the bold. You're okay that it's with his cousin, but if it was a close cousin that's the deal breaker? On the cousin thing: first cousin marriages are legal in the UK; I don't know about Ireland. I think, because of that, while we do have a degree of the "yuk" factor about the issue, it probably isn't as great as where it is actually illegal. Thanks for the explanation about the cousin being legal. Maybe that is what she means by it would be a deal breaker if it was a "close" cousin compared to this cousin not being that close??
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Jules do not lie to this family. You are all being hurt by this affair it is evil and you need to fight it together.
It is insulting to imply they have anything to be embarrassed about. I am sure they will fight tooth and nail proudly.
Stop being a sodding martyr doing this alone, get a nuclear exposure figured out and encourage all your targets to contact him and her at ONCE.
All exposure targets should be hit in 24 hours because you do not tiptoe over eggshells while fighting for your marriage.
Ruin their day!
Last edited by indiegirl; 05/21/15 06:23 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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When I exposed all my in-laws in Ireland got on a plane here to England. They sat him in the centre of a room and asked him what on earth he thought he was playing at. They made sure I knew I had their unstinting support and would have been horrified had I kept it from them.
It was the older women who were by far the best at calling him out. Too often BWs on these forums dismiss older ladies as useless in fighting affairs when they've seen far more of life and affairs than she has, usually.
It was actually more important to them than me to confront him. I was young, childless and could easy get a new husband. They couldn't get new flesh and blood and they did not deserve lies about him.
Last edited by indiegirl; 05/21/15 06:24 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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