One of my favourite posts about exposure to children:



Whatever you do it is better than leaving them to find out on their own. It's something that happens quite a lot.

hi guys its over a week since i last posted, and lots happened. Last tuesday i recieved vile phone messages from ow it really shook me, calling me names and threatening me because i told her family about affair,this gave me a kick up the backside so wednesday i told my children. it went better than expected!! they asked wh a few questions when he came home from work and he was upset that they knew but said if i feel its best then what can he do! i think he feels like im purposely trying to hurt him.
i have been reading some old threads and it seems in most of the situations like mine the wh moved out, mine never did, on dday (7 weeks ago)i sat up all night on this website gathered as much info about affairs as i could and we talked about it.
He has been adamant he wants to stay, and adamant the affair is over, i still snoop and i have other people snooping to, i think it is over but obviously i still have doubts.
i dont know if i have done the right thing by letting him stay and not having that time apart to sort out our feelings!
we are getting on relatively well but he gets upset over the 'not in love' feeling. i know he's not attracted to me right now i can feel it. is this normal because it sure does not feel normal!
Also me and the kids have a trip planned to the u.k at the end of july and wh is not coming because of work, this worries me alot even though the trip was planned ages ago it now feels like i should not leave him alone.
i have been meeting up with friends more lately, he encourages me to go and socialise something that i gave up doing for a long time but he never asks me how my night went, its like he has no interest.
im also meeting a friend tomorrow to discuss a course i want to do (which i have also put off for a long time)i am feeling much stronger but dont know if im heading in the right direction with him i feel like im getting nothing back. we are spending more time together, he is coming home from work early and taking sundays off (he works for himself and this is his busy time of year) and i know that kills him letting work pile up.
i know its gonna take time and work especially when he is not a talker and never has been so its painfully hard getting him to open up.
thanks guys.

Great job telling the children.

Now tell the police about her threatening phone call.

jules, your H is playing you, just as mine did me. He has no intention of leaving you, but he will let this woman contact him and he will go right back to the affair when she does. I lived this myself, and I've seen it so many times on here that I am expert at spotting it.

You can't leave him to go to the UK. Cancel the trip. Also, stop going out with friends. You are showing your H that you can lead an independent life, and that you are not too unhappy...and that is exactly what he WANTS to see. your growing independence will justify his independence.

This OW is his cousin, correct? How far from your town does she live? Does she live in ireland? Is she single? If so, she is harder to shake off. Do not give her space to invade your marriage.

I think that you cannot just continue living where you live, and your H working where he works, making no changes to escape this affair. I think you need a complete lifestyle change. I didn't do that, and that created big problems for me.

hi sugarcane
for 7 weeks my h has been here everynight from 6pm onwards, not 1 night out and i know ow works and would not be home before 6. she does not live in our town.
but it does worry me that im being played i did consider spyware for his phone, i dont know much about it but it has been mentioned on here a few times.
if the affair was truely over surely i would be seeing a change in him by now.
the last message he got from her was over 2 weeks ago, he showed me it and it was nasty.she was blaming him for everything and causing chaos in her life but is that worth anything really!

Julies

You wrote, He has been adamant he wants to stay, and adamant the affair is over, i still snoop and i have other people snooping to, i think it is over but obviously i still have doubts.

One of the major themes on MB is that an affair is never really over, Dr Harley is adamant that no contact has to be life long. It�s a bit like how an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic, they might stop drinking, but the urge and the addiction remain. This thinking would also apply to old boyfriends of yours btw, you can never have contact with those either because of the emotional connection and memories.

I can say personally that when my W and OM2 met again after 20+ years, OM2 responded as if he had met a long lost love.

Gamma

Julesm

Why are you having doubts about the affair being over? When my fwh ended his A, I was certain he was done because I had access to everything. There was no way I would miss something. You need to install spyware on his cellphone today. Don't wait another day.

Also, I saw no withdrawal sign from my WH either. I asked Dr. H and he said that As can be anywhere in the spectrum from soul-mates to just a fling. I believe my H's A was in the low end of the spectrum and maybe that explains why I didn't see withdrawal. However, it took him nearly 6mos for the fog to lift. It was very clear the day the fog lifted.

How is your UA time?

I second what sugarcane said, cancel the trip.

Hi
I do have access to everything and there is no sign of ow but I still worry. I have seen a difference in his personality he was like a ticking time bomb when he was having the A that's what alerted me in the first place. He is more interactive at home now and more like the man I know, I don't want to be no ones fool again so I don't want to let my guard down.

How stupid of you to have tricked them into meeting each other, so that this could happen.

Did your WH writ a no contact letter?

Has he changed all contact information?

hi
yes he did write no contact letter but something is telling me they are still in contact he has not changed his number because of work.could anyone please recommend any kind of spyware i can use without installing it on HIS phone i have spent hours searching the internet!
thanks

how did you cope with 6 months of the fog??

Well done you! Keep talking to the kids and encourage them to keep asking questions.



Beware. The reaction to exposure is a test of sincerity. The more it bothers them, the more they were planning on fooling the kids, introducing them or continuing to lie. His children will forgive him and he should be grateful for that and open with them. Anything less is a warning sign for you to beware.



Do you have spyware (which he doesn't know about) as well as his voluntary transparency? You can check this and over time clean checks will build a feeling of reassurance.

Then I would ask him where he plans on sleeping since his phone number is more important than staying.

If he needs to tell his boss why, so be it.

Deal breaker. Any reluctance to meet any conditions should see you enter Plan B.

He isn't even through withdrawal and if you give him any wiggle room to continue his A he will.

Exposure is a tremendous deterrent but don't count on their shame entirely. Sometimes military waywards risk court martial to resume contact. That's how addictive it is.

This is the checklist. Don't skip anything!


You can't spend nights apart in recovery, but your trip might be a good opportunity to Plan B if you need to.

no i dont have any spyware at the minute.

i think maybe my trip will bring me to plan B because i really dont know what else to do. Our finances are a mess and this scares the hell out of me but i will figure something out. I need the full truth for my own sanity!!

Guys the internet is full of scam spy wear any suggestions?

Have you read through this?

Keylogger Programs

We have a whole forum dedicated to advice on reliable spyware. You need to spend some time reading it. it is called Operation Investigate, and it is located in the forum list, just below this forum.

You wrote:

There is no spyware you can install onto a device without touching the device. However, there are things you can do with iTunes. Have a look in that forum.

I don't know what you mean by this.

First, we have told you not to take a trip away from home without your husband. If you do that, you are leaving the door wide open for the affair. We told you to cancel the trip.

Second, a "trip" cannot be used as Plan B. A "trip", by definition, is a return journey; i.e., you plan to go back. You cannot go to the UK for, say, a month, and not talk to him during that time, and call that Plan B, and then go back to Ireland and continue your marriage.

If and when you decide that Plan B is appropriate, you need to plan to leave your home for good.

Plan B is a risky strategy. It carries no guarantee that the unfaithful spouse will be brought to his knees, beg you to go back, and promise to do whatever you ask in the way of ending the affair and transparency. There is every chance that your spouse will use your absence and silence as a means to continue his affair, and in doing so, make the affair more entrenched.

Having said that, I think that, Plan B in the case of a cake-eating husband who has no intention of leaving his wife for his whore, and who wants his marriage very much, is very likely to likely to bring about a crisis in the affair. The OW, on hearing that the wife has left, will assume that WH will move things forward with her. When he does not do that, because he knows how insane the affair always was, she will become bitter and angry. She might not go away for some time, but she will be forced to see that she has been used. Her anger will be a great turn-off for the WH and the affair will be in crisis.

However, you do not know for sure how your H feels about his marriage and his OW. You do not know that he will admit to his OW that she is the last person he would want to marry. He might continue to see her until the affair dies a lengthier death (it will die, eventually, because it is unsustainable). And while he continues to see her, and accepts (temporarily, until the affair dies) that his marriage is over, you will need to continue in Plan B, which you won't be able to do if you only took a "trip" to your parents' home, unless you later make frantic plans to place your kids in UK schools, see a lawyer about child support, and all other necessary details, when you realise that the trip deadline is up and the affair has not finished.

If you intend to do Plan B, you must do it properly. If you move completely out of your home area, you need to sort out schools for the kids (or educate them at home). If you give up their current school places, you need to accept that you might not get them back. You need to see a lawyer and get child maintenance in place. You need to sort out a secure bank account. You need to officially change your address with various authorities.

Of great importance is the fact that you should not take your kids out of the country if you have no intention of bringing them back, when their father asks them to, if the affair has not finished. If he goes to law when you do not bring them back, you will find yourself in the middle of a child abduction case.

There is more to say, but I'll end this post now, as it is long enough already.