I just found out a little over 2 weeks ago that my husband cheated on me. We've been married for 16 years and together for 20. Have 3 kids. Apparently there hasn't been enough sex lately for him. He was texting/sexting this woman for about a month, starting right around our anniversary and around 2 1/2 weeks ago had sex with her. A woman he never met before. Anyway, we've been trying to work it out. I've been checking his phone to see if he's still texting her, but of course he knows how to delete texts. He has the Kik app on his phone still. I asked him the other day why he deleted a new kik friend request off it, but still kept the conversation between him and the other woman. He actually got mad at me for going into his Kik! Said he didn't delete it, he doesn't know how to delete anything on kik. Which could be true, he is very very horrible at phone and computer stuff. He said he hasn't heard from her since the day after they had sex. Well, curiosity got the best of me yesterday and I opened his kik app. There was a new message he hadn't read yet from her, it just said "Hey". Of course, its now marked as read so I don't know if he will see it. Do I confess that I checked his phone and that there is a message? Or do I wait a few days and see if there's anything else? See if he's still talking to her? He said he would tell me if he heard from her. But, if I checked it he wouldn't get the notification so he wouldn't know right? I'm kicking myself for opening the conversation up.

Sorry you're here, Rose. You can only recover from this if your husband is willing to be transparent from now on. Secrets have no place in successful marriages. The following checklist needs to be implemented, or your marriage will be susceptible to another affair:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Hi Rose, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would do more than "confess" you checked his phone. I would DEMAND that he get a new phone # and delete that app. He should eliminate every venue he used to contact this woman. You should have full access to absolutely everything.

Telling you about contact completely misses the point. The OW should not be ABLE to contact him. EVER. It is up to him to shut off all access and up to you to hold him accountable.

Have you contacted this woman's husband and family to tell them about the affair? I would do that immediately. Everyone should be told about the affair.

I don't know if he can get a new number, it's a phone his work provided. I did tell him about it a bit ago. Irritated me a bit because he had apparently gotten a text message from her yesterday and had left the phone in the car with me while he went in the store to see if I checked it. I didn't then, but perhaps I should of. He was testing me to see if I checked it! I never checked his texts because I know he knows how to delete them. He wasn't even aware that I checked his Kik app since he never did. I don't know what to think about that. He said he wasn't mad at me. I'm mad because he said he would tell me if she contacted him. Apparently she's in the hospital with meningitis!!! Now I'm scared. The kids and I have been sharing drinks with him. I'm not really sure what the symptoms of that are. He had a sore throat for a couple days, then has had a cough for almost 2 weeks. Now my 4 year old has a cough and a slight fever. It just gets worse and worse. After a bit has gone by I will demand that he delete the app. Right now I want to know whats going on with that woman so I can be sure my kids are going to be ok. Gosh, do I just observe them or take them in to the doctor?

Are you prepared to follow the Marriage Builders plan?

This affair is still active.

Unless the affair has been exposed far and wide and all avenues of eliminated this OW poses an extreme danger to your marriage and your family.

You realize this, Rose, right??

Yeah, I'm gonna print off that checklist

You are being gaslit, here. This is exactly how a person with a SSL (secret second life) behaves.

Look at what Dr Harley says about it:


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Think about it, why would your WH be upset if there was nothing to hide?

First things first:

Who has this been exposed to?

Did you see this question??

She's not married. She's single with two young kids.

She has a family and some friends though. They should be informed.

I don't know any of them or how to get in touch with them. She lives close to an hour away

Rose:

Who has this been exposed to?

Please be specific. If it's no one, then tell us that.

Can you look for her FB page? Copy and save her friend's list for safe keeping NOW. Today.

Do NOT mention exposure or anything about MB to your WH right now, BTW.

It's been exposed just to me and my cousin. I've looked for her on facebook, but I can't seem to find her. I'm still looking. I don't know her last name and she isn't on my husbands facebook friend list.

Exposure cannot be skipped. This affair is still ON and it is because you haven't exposed it yet.

Read this ASAP: Exposure 101

Then come back and we can discuss your exposure plan.

I would also get a GPS on your WH's car and spyware on his phone ASAP.

Rose, this is very fixable but passivity and trying to "talk" the wayward out of the affair and convince him to do the right thing doesn't work.

I sent my sister here in 2009. She was very much like you, she was very "nice", wringing her hands and hoping that her WH would do the right thig on his own. I kept redirecting her to do what the forum (Thank you MelodyLane!) was advising her to do. She was able to kill the affair and save her marriage.

You are going to have to be proactive, follow each step and it's not going to be comfortable or easy. Being nice and passive doesn't work when dealing with affairs and waywards..