|
|
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 12
Junior Member
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 12 |
1.I have evidence. 2.I will not tell any more of my family, I value my privacy and sanity too much for that. There is no fantasy aspect of the affair. It was not a love affair. It was an I'm not getting my needs met and I'm mad and frustrated at you and our relationship and lack of communicating and tired of not feeling wanted affair. 3. I am trying to be the best spouse I can, etc. 4. I'm reading the articles.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842 |
Great! In the articles you will discover that All affairs are about fantasy and lack of boundaries. Yes, you should work on meeting needs and being in love, but none of that forced home into the affair. You are not to blame for his poor boundaries.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842 |
Please understand I am typing on my phone and long, flowery replies are not feasible.
Also understand that the last 3 days were a holiday so me people are swamped at work. You will likely get more response later.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
1.I have evidence.
2.I will not tell any more of my family, I value my privacy and sanity too much for that. There is no fantasy aspect of the affair. It was not a love affair. It was an I'm not getting my needs met and I'm mad and frustrated at you and our relationship and lack of communicating and tired of not feeling wanted affair.
3. I am trying to be the best spouse I can, etc.
4. I'm reading the articles. #2 will likely be what keeps you from recovering. You don't want to hear it but it's the truth. Most people don't make it Rose. MOST! Why would you skip steps and stack the deck against yourself so heavily?
Last edited by FightTheFight; 07/06/15 01:14 PM.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
1.I have evidence. 2.I will not tell any more of my family, I value my privacy and sanity too much for that. There is no fantasy aspect of the affair. It was not a love affair. It was an I'm not getting my needs met and I'm mad and frustrated at you and our relationship and lack of communicating and tired of not feeling wanted affair. 3. I am trying to be the best spouse I can, etc. 4. I'm reading the articles. If you won't follow the advice, then what did you need from us? If you won't expose the affair, you are essentially ENABLING IT and nothing we tell you can overcome your enabling. You will have doomed your chances of recovery. Affairs thrive on secrecy so if you are going to help keep it a secret, you are only enabling it. This is not a blogging forum. We all have our own families and careers and have taken time out of our schedules to offer you free advice. We don't have to help you. If you won't follow the advice, there is nothing we can do to help you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
And yes, you are very rude. If you don't follow the advice and are rude to VOLUNTEERS, you aren't going get much help here. I certainly don't volunteer my time to people who don't listen and are rude. You don't have to follow the advice, but you also don't have to waste valuable time that could be spent on others who are interested in saving their marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Please understand I am typing on my phone and long, flowery replies are not feasible.
Also understand that the last 3 days were a holiday so me people are swamped at work. You will likely get more response later. Just want to point out that she has had numerous responses with the correct advice. She doesn't need more responses, she needs to follow the advice she has been given. Until that happens, this can't move forward.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
I will not tell any more of my family, I value my privacy and sanity too much for that. There is no fantasy aspect of the affair. Then be prepared for repeat affairs and the end of your marriage. If by some miracle your marriage doesn't end in divorce, it will only be a crippled version of what it was before the affair. The plan works if you follow it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810 |
1.I have evidence. 2.I will not tell any more of my family, I value my privacy and sanity too much for that. There is no fantasy aspect of the affair. It was not a love affair. It was an I'm not getting my needs met and I'm mad and frustrated at you and our relationship and lack of communicating and tired of not feeling wanted affair. 3. I am trying to be the best spouse I can, etc. 4. I'm reading the articles. Hi Rose, I am very worried for you that somehow you are buying into your husband's minimizing what really happened here. Fantasy aspect of the affair? I'm not sure what you mean. All affairs are fantasy. Yes your husband did and does have the fantasy aspect (it takes longer than this to come out of the fog, so believe me, your husband is NOT your partner again yet, and certainly not until all of the the checklist is completed). I didn't expose at first either. Therefore, I got to go through D-Day all over again six months later. Affairs are addictive Rose, and while the wayward spouse may mean well for a couple of minutes, extraordinary precautions must be put into place so that any contact is IMPOSSIBLE. Once I discovered the false recovery, I sure did expose, and almost a billboard too (not only did I tell everyone friends and relatives on all of our sides, but I also mailed a one page condensed exposure with a photo to all of the OWs neighbors up and down her street. I included my phone number and asked them to call me if they ever saw my husband on their street again). There will be no recovery if your husband's affair is not killed dead first. This will not happen unless you do every single thing on the checklist, including exposure. All of us valued our privacy and our sanity Rose. None of us WANTED to expose. It stinks all around, but I can say that after I exposed, I got such support and care from so many around me, that I don't know why I waited! Plus, exposure has a wonderful side-benefit of showing us who is an enemy of marriage. I am sorry for the pain that you are going through. Please listen to us and squelch this affair DEAD. Now if you've read this far, GO BACK through your thread and take the ACTIONS that MelodyLane, Prisca, and Susie and others have posted for you.
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good! 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389 |
Rose,
A single OW with children is a very dangerous one. They love to replace the "old" wife. I wish you could see that sweeping this under the rug is going to burn you.
The fact that he is too dumb to delete an app is a very telling sign - he is unmotivated. He could take it to anyone, a phone store, call customer support. Any local pre-teen can do it (heck I'll bet you 4 yo could figure it out).
Do you see the danger in a man who is not actually making an effort to prevent contact? He is doing minimal actions to get you off his back.
And you are willing to hide it all for him too. Sorry, but expect him to resume this or another affair. It is no secret she is an hour away - he didn't want you to find out in your small town.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Effective Marriage Counseling, p. 44 When a couple gives a coach the right to direct them toward recovery, and are willing to follow the coach�s orders, the couple will see rapid improvement�if the
coach�s plan actually works.
When I coach a couple, I let them know from the beginning that I expect them to follow my assignments. If they fail to follow them, I focus on their failure rather than on the marital problems themselves, until they comply. We have here the plan that works - Dr. Harley's. We can help people by motivating them to follow the plan. Of course, they can volunteer to follow the plan or skip it, and they can give up after starting. But if they aren't following it, the best thing we can do for them is to focus on that fact.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,152
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,152 |
Rose,
we understand that you are in shock here and hurting.
The thing is, that your marriage is in very grave danger and I am not talking about what happened, I am talking about what is going to happen.
Affairs are like drug addiction. Once you have tasted heroine, you want more. Your husband had had a taste of exciting sex with a new person in secret, which had him hooked. His faith did not stop him, the thought of losing his dear wife and lovely family did not stop him. That is what affairs do.
Every drug addict wants to stop doing drugs after their last shot wears off and they feel horrible. But after a short time, they long for that high. That is exactly what will happen with your husband.
He will want to do the good thing, but his addict mind, will drive him to the other woman. He will shut his good mind off by saying: "I just want to know that her health is ok", "I will just see her one last time to say goodbye" and so on. And then they will meet and BAM, the affair is on again.
You know how it is when you are on a diet. You know that you should be eating healthy vegetables, but you eat the mars bar once you are in the supermarket.
That is why you should expose. You should not expose to the entire town, but you should expose to the people who can have an influence on him. His christian parents are a very good start. Once the light of day shines on his affair, he will start looking at it with different eyes and see it for what it is.
If he is good at excel and could install kik, he would be able to remove it if he was motivated. He figured out how to meet this whore, right? He can if he wants to.
P.S. he was never testing you, that is just a crappy lie to throw you off track.
me, DH
all the children
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
http://lmgtfy.com/?q=how+to+uninstall+kikBut this is a distraction from the most important step of the plan: exposing the affair far and wide.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 12
Junior Member
|
|
OP
Junior Member
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 12 |
Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197 |
Rose, I know you want to believe your WH is the exception to the rule. But if it was a horrible mistake that he regrets terribly, why would he be mad at you for checking his phone? Why would he continue to delete texts without telling you? Why would he not want to be completely transparent so as to restore your trust in him?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197 |
Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact. How do you know 'some people' pertains to your WH? How do you know that he is not one of the vast majority of people who are addicted to the A?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact. WE know for a fact that the affair should be exposed. If you won't do that, we can't help you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,093 |
Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact. Dr Harley knows this too Rose. But you still need to follow the steps. Not all affairs are addictions, of course, just like not all people who get drunk every weekend are alcoholics. I have treated many "alcoholics" who simply made a decision in my office to stop drinking. Even though they were suffering the physical effects of years of drunkenness, from that day forward they never had another drink. And they told me that they had almost no craving for liquor after they stopped drinking. I don't consider these people to be addicts. From my perspective their drinking was always something they could have stopped any time they wanted because they were never addicted. The proof was in the fact that they actually stopped cold turkey and suffered no withdrawal symptoms. Another proof was that they were able to avoid alcohol for the rest of their lives. I have known some of them to have remained sober for over 20 years.
Cigarette users can be the same way. Rush Limbough claims that after years of smoking he simply gave it up one day, and has never smoked since. I know of many like Rush who, in my judgment, were never addicted to nicotine. That's why they were able to give up smoking with relative ease.
Affairs can be the same, particularly when a spouse is not in love with his lover. Many affairs are one-night-stands, where a spouse has sex only once with someone who happens to be available. Even when it is repeated, a relationship of sexual convenience without the feeling of love is relatively easy to stop when it is exposed. That's because a relationship without love is usually not an addiction, although it is still devastating to the other spouse when it is discovered.
But it's difficult to know whether or not a relationship is an addiction until a husband has left his lover for good. A husband may claim that he does not love his cohort, as a way to deflect attention from the relationship. Then when everything is back to normal, he gets back together with her. Addicts are notorious liars, and sincerity is their specialty.
An alcoholic that I once counseled told his wife that he had simply made the decision to give up drinking. He was convincing for two years. But one day, he was rushed to the hospital for drinking automobile window washer fluid. It seems he had been adding blue food coloring to gin, and stashing it away in a window washer fluid container. Unknown to him, his brother had filled the container with the real thing, and he just about killed himself drinking it. From that day on, his wife knew he was an addict, and he voluntarily admitted himself into treatment.
In your case, your husband is most certainly addicted because he loves the other woman, and he had so many of the withdrawal symptoms when he tried to leave her. So let's look at ways that addicts must be treated to help them overcome their addiction. Having owned and operated chemical dependency treatment programs, I am well aware of the most successful methods.
To be on the safe side I usually treat most affairs as if they are an addiction. If I'm right, we get to the root of the problem without wasting valuable time. If I'm wrong, going through the steps necessary to avoid seeing the former lover, which should be done whether or not it's an addiction, is simply easier to do.
Last edited by FightTheFight; 07/06/15 03:59 PM.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
Recovered
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,842 |
Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact. We don't hear from those people here because they follow the plan on their own without arguing.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact. Which has nothing to do with whether or not you should expose the affair. The affair should always be exposed. You came here with this question "Don't know what to do." The people who have answered you have been helping people in your situation for years and their answer was "expose the affair." Now you know what to do. What more do you want? If you want to skip this step, you're inviting heartache and misery. We care about the people who come to this board for help, so we don't let them skip the most important steps. We will continue to talk about it until you do it.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
758
guests, and
65
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
