It's not a question of whether or not he has feelings for you. It's a question of whether or not he will protect you from his abusive behavior. Love doesn't make it magically possible to endure abuse. It's not a question of how he feels; it's a question of how he acts.

This sounds very much like what Dr. Harley told my wife:

Have you read my wife's thread on how to deal with an angry husband? She will give you the Marriage Builders plan for this, and if you will follow the steps exactly, you will get good results. Your husband may or may not choose to join you, but if he does, you will have good results together, and if not, you will be protected from him and will have good results alone.


No, follow the Marriage Builders plans, because they work. They speed things up and spare you a lot of heartache and misery along the way, and they take you to a destination that will be good, healthy, and happy for you.

This is not going to end well.

Please don't try to make up your own plan, or agree to a plan that he makes up.

There is a free plan here to follow that actually works.

I would call this an angry outburst. Get away from him. Separate today.

No, you are not separated.

Quit doing stuff and calling it "separated."

Please read Dr. Harley's plans and follow them because they actually work. Making up your own plan is how most of us wrecked our marriages before we came here - I know I sure did!

You are not separated. What you are doing is not "separation" and it won't work.

Start with my wife's thread. She will give you advice straight from Dr. Harley, who knows how to turn your situation around.

Please read your question here again, and my answer.

Look what happened.

It is possible to turn your unhealthy pattern to a healthy one, but not if you will not follow the program.

Have you read this thread from my wife?
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2640607&#Post2640607

Your marriage is not going to recover. Your husband is simply unwilling to do what it takes, and you can't do it alone.

Not yet. Will do so.

Have you read it yet?

Can you explain why it is that you are rejecting Dr Harley's advice (to separate) -- which is supported by not only those who are very familiar with his principles but you also have markos and prisca who have faced very similar issues with their marriage and are recovered today -- to instead follow Plan AlienGirl? When Plan Aliengirl has failed you miserably over and over again?

I am not being sarcastic. I really am scratching my head and not understanding WHY someone would keep rejecting professional advice when their marriage is hanging on by a thread and they are posting for help?

Do you think you know better how to fix this than Dr Harley but your "plan" just needs tweaking?

I know. Its just the hope that we would be the exception to the separation advice and maybe he could learn to control his anger without the need for separation. He was trying to change, and wasn't getting mad at so many things he used to get upset about, but he didn't have enough time to be able to control himself for huge stress time. And its also the fear that my marriage could end.

Plus, he was being really sweet before disaster stroke and its been heating up and up and up.

But...yes, sadly I will start making my move-out plans.

Did you read it?

That's a lie. He had plenty of time. Don't coddle him.

Yes, it is clear to him that no matter what, you are too scared of divorce to actually demand real change. Notice the time and content of post one? Same old, same old.

If you can't change yourself, why do you think you can change him? This program is never about changing others, but setting standards which a spouse must meet for the marriage.

Aliengirl, your husband is an intelligent man, who is very capable of restraining himself in his job etc.
You are doing him a favor by not accepting angry outburts. It will help him constrain himself when there are consequences.

If you did not get grades, would you have learned for your tests in high school? Consequences help people stay on track. Anger management is a proces that takes time and practice and motivation. The human brain is rather lazy and will go on autopilot if it can to spare resources. To change his brain and ingrain a new standard operating procedure your husband will have to stay motivated for a long time.

You do not help him keep up his motivation by giving him extra chances and short-cuts. You don't train an elite athlete by telling him to be relaxed and take it slow. You hold him to high standards.

Because of the nature of your problems, you cannot be the one to hold your husband to any standard, because of the power discrepancy that has developed in your relationship. He has to set these standards for himself, which is extremely difficult, as you have discovered. It would be of great help if he had an accountability partner who was not emotionally involved to keep an eye on his training. This helps people to stay on track and to attain olympic achievements. You don't become a Rembrandt by drawing a bit on your own account. Every master has had training to become excellent.

yes read Prisca's thread

Yes looking for a new place

Prisca, you stayed in your house, Markos left, right? Is that how it should go with us?

Yes he should be the one to move out, but if he won't then you should make plans to get out.

Yes, that's the way it SHOULD go. But I don't trust him to do that and you can't FORCE him. I think the best thing for you is to just get away. If you can get him to move out, great. But if I were in your shoes, I'd be looking for a new place for myself. He'd come home one day to find me gone.

I don't want to seem stupid about not following the separation advise, I started to, but things didn't go as planned.

I was emotionally not good when I cared about the marriage working, and now I feel good when I don't prioritize marriage, and focus on my research, on my babies, on the house, and stay away from my husband. I just don't know if that is okay.

Is it wrong to stay married but each of us be on our own world and we don't interact much?

Is it wrong if I plan to divorce my husband 16 years from now and I am not telling my husband about this plan? or do I have an obligation to tell him.

But it is not possible to stay married to someone you are not in love with and not come to loathe them. Either you have a great marriage where both of you work on making each other happy each and every day, or you will have an awful marriage. Your children will learn by example.

In your case, your husband will have to do a large part of the work. He is a strong person and he can pull it off. You will become more involved once your love bank starts filling up.

The important question is: "Is your husband hitting the mark?".
If he isn't, you have another problem entirely.
Are the two of you following the program, or just limping along?

You can do whatever you want. No one can stop you.

But, what you're planning is not wise. When and if you'd like to follow the program that works, we can help.