Exposure is your best chance of waking him up. When do you plan to do a proper exposure on his and her side?

The best way to wake him up is with exposure. Exposure ruins affairs. So if it isn't killed right away, it will certainly hasten its death. Your mother CAN'T work on the marriage now anyway because he is in an affair. There is nothing she can do other than a wide spread exposure followed by a pitch dark separation.

Thank you, MelodyLane! I got it now! Indeed, it is exposed, but all these people don't know how much pain this is causing us, what our family actually is, and how everything started - by a real affair. I see the point, and I see now what "exposure" really means. It will be hard - because my father and the woman will continue defending their story... They might not even care, as long as there are people who support them. But at one point maybe they will feel uncomportable.

I would suggest you continue writing letters to OW. Or emails, Facebook, texts, whatever. Continue to tell her how she is helping your father destroy his life. Do not tell her she is a nice person, because right now she is not acting like it. Tell her she is causing a lot of innocent people harm and is behaving very cruel. Tell her you will never allow such a cruel selfish person in your life or that of your family. Tell her she will be loathed by your family for the rest of your life as the person who selfishly destroyed it.

Seems like your first letter struck a nerve with her, yea? So write a few more. Tell your brother and grandmother to do the same.

Even if you never hear back from her, what this does is cause trouble in paradise. She will call you dad upset about everyone disliking her. She will feel threatened and get needy and whiney. Not very fun to be around.

Go read the thread linked in my signature. That will give you the best plan for exposure. When you ask people for support, they are more inclined to help you out.

Thank you. My inner voice is telling that I should do this. Because since this happened, every day I feel bad. While she is having good time with my father, I am in pain. And she really NEEDS to know this, and she should be reminded by this. That's why I wrote her.

I want to contact her again. At the same time I feel a bit afraid, because I am sure that my father will be mad at me, and he can even stop having contact with me. After I wrote this woman, he didn't contact me for a month. And it is not that I need him to contact me, I can be in cold terms with him now - my fear is that if we are not in contact, I cannot influence him in some positive way somehow. Some of my friends said that while he is on good terms with us, he will miss us more when he separate from us, and this eventually can turn him back towards us. And actually the fact that he got mad at me, speeded up his decision to get divorce. My action made this other woman unhappy, she became demanding from my father, and in order to calm her down, he was ready on everything, including speeding the divorce decision.

So, this is what I am afraid of. I see that by not being harsh with him it doesn't help much, so my friends might be incorrect, but at the same time when I am harsh and I act, then it seems that I put him faster into her arms.

The best way to influence your father is to bring pressure on the affair. Expose the affair wide and far. Send the OW an email and tell her she will be never be welcome in your family. Contact her friends and family and ask them to tell her to leave your married father alone.

The best thing you can do is cause as much trouble in the affair as possible. If the affairees are not angry at you and your mother for interfering in their affair, then you are not doing an effective job of causing conflict. The more angry, the more effective.


The more upset the OW is, the more your dad has to listen to her scream. The more she screams, the more unpleasant the affair. The more she screams and demands, the sooner your father will sicken of her. <----that is your goal!!

She need to be told in no uncertain terms that she will never be allowed to darken your doorstep and that your father will be forced to choose between his family and his stinky affair.


He is already "in her arms." That is why you are here today.

He is already planning to leave your family for her. So you really have nothing to lose.

Nobody here cares a bit about making your father angry. Because the advice given is to have the best chance possible to kill the affair, not to keep your father happy. Of course it makes him happy when everyone enables him and lets him selfishly behave any way he wants to.

The angrier your father and OW become because of your exposure is a good thing. That means you sent a direct hit to the affair. And the more OW whines and cries to him about his family will cause problems in affair land.

Thanks a lot once again for all comments and suggestions.

I see the points and I got to know what exposure really means.
Indeed, many people know, but it is not clear what they really know..
Actually, I know that some of our relatives and close friends know, too, but they do not act in any way towards my father. They support emotionally my mother, but they do not say anything to my father. And I mean really close friends and relatives. Only my brother, my grandmothers (both my mom's and my dad's mothers) and me told him seriously and angrily that this is not right. But noone else is saying anything bad to my father, even if they think so. I know only of one old colleague, a very good person and family friend, who did this.
I think one reason for this is that in my culture (unfortunately), people do not say directly to a non-nuclear family member that something he did is wrong, especially if it is a personal matter. And marriage and affairs are treated exactly as such issues, with which only the nuclear family "has the right" to deal with. It is sad... Yes, they are all shocked by the affair, but they say it is a family business. Or maybe they think that they cannot change anything. People believe that marriage is just between the two spouses and if there are problems, they should be solved just by the two of them. The same is about the affairs. I am amazed by the exposure plan, which you describe. I think noone here will do it! But think it is a great idea. And maybe I will indeed do it. Unfortunately, I am not sure that any of these close friends and relatives (not nuclear ones) will tell anything to my father even after that. But at least he might feel uncomfortable. Many people support the idea that we live in a free world, and that we should not mix in the lives of other people - they are free people to do whatever they want. They would say they don't know the problems of my parents, and they should not mix..
Also, when they hear that I am writing to the other woman, they will say that I lose my dignity, that I should not judge my father, that affairs happen everywhere... It is horrible, even my mom is against me writing to this woman. I did it anyways. I am so sad about how people think. And at the end, what do we gain? Divorce after divorce.. My mom and my closest friends and family (not nuclear) are telling me that nothing can be done, and that I should accept it.. We should not worry, we should look philosophically and let it go! This is the common attitude, and words I have heard, even from my mom. I think it comes from the religion also, which says that noone can judge the other person apart from God. But how can this be true in this case? It is said that affair is a sin, right? But now we live in a "free" world. I am so sick with this attitude, because it does not help. I so much feel that I/we need to fight.

That's why I don't count much on other people... I also do not have access to the contact of that other woman, so it will be a bit difficult to expose her to her friends. But maybe there is a way.

And thank you for making me feel not afraid of my father's anger. Let him be angry, let him stop contact with me. I want him either with us, or not at all like that right now. I don't say I will stop contact forever, who knows, but it is just impossible for me to pretend that it just happened, to smile with a pain, to accept and leave it like this.. We have nothing to lose anymore. If by telling the truth and exposing our pain to everyone will shutter their illusion even a bit and make them feel uncomfortable, it will be an achievement.

Thank you all!!

You said OW is on Facebook, correct? Go and copy all of her contacts to a word document and save it for exposure.

Thank you, BrainHurts. Unfortunately, she has made her contacts private, I cannot see them.

I understand completely. American culture is just the same. But people are more willing to say something if you ask them to use their influence to persuade your father to end his affair. Sure, some will not get involved regardless, but if you and your mother ask them for support, they are much more inclined to help.

And even if they won't say anything, just having them know will put pressure on the affair. Some folks will give moral support in other ways and that is just fine.


Keep in mind that the goal here is to run off the OW and cause as much pressure as possible in the affair. It is not for the purpose of garnering public approval. You can't expect everyone to approve of your plans and that is ok!! That is not your goal. Your goal is cause conflict in the affair.


Don't let this concern you. Keep in mind that none of them know how to save marriages. They do have a lot of advice and that is nice, but they have no experience. God DOES NOT say to sit silent and allow evil to prevail. As Christians we are called to expose evil and judge right from wrong. Our prisons are full of people who cannot judge right from wrong and that is right where they belong.

Ephesians 5:11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.


Does she have a Facebook page? Can you find her parents?

You are a good daughter, Gemm!!

Why don't you send a friend request to her?

Get creative. You are trying to disrupt the affair however you can. You could even be as creative as picketing his workplace or hers.

Waywards love to ACT like a bunch of friends are supportive of them...but, in reality, friends that try to say anything are shunned and others are ignored. Waywards tend to isolate themselves. They run from healthy people and run to other waywards (the world is full of sin loving folk) for any support.

Thank you, I will think how to expose it. For now I think the best and fastest is to call/write to our family friends and some good colleagues I know. But should I also write to those colleagues, who I know support him? I am sure non of them knows the story as it looks from our eyes, and in this respect maybe they can "wake up" as well. At the same time, they might become even more supportive. Do you think I should right them too?

There are several things about which, I guess, I will be "attacked" after doing this - definitely by my father (because he told me these things before), and also by other people, even my mom. In this situation I don't care what people would think, because deep down I believe that I have right to do this. But I also need to be strong enough with my arguments to answer back. I need this for myself because sometimes (maybe because of the way I have been brought up) I am also questioning if what I do is right. Here are the things, which I have already been opposed, and which make me question:

1.) People tell me that my father's life is his own, and I can express what I feel, but don't fight, don't be demanding and aggressive towards him by wanting to leave this other woman. Both my parents support this idea in general, and my aunt too. They say if something is to be changed, it should be done in a good peaceful way. They say we are just people and we cannot judge other people. They don't approve his actions, but they they think they have no right to fight against his own wishes. I know I am human, and I can do mistakes, too. And the bigger part of me sees my father's affair as not right and wants to fight it, the other part is weakened by these comments whether I have indeed, as a human, the right to judge other people and tell them what is right (including my father). I am pretty sure, it is all clear for you, but maybe my self-confidence about this issue is not yet so high, and I am really interesting what you think about this.

2.) Similar to 1.) people tell me (also my mom, aunt, father) to not put too much energy anymore, because only my mother and father can solve this, and that I did more than enough. They say I am crossing the borders by continue being insisting on him to end the affair. They don't approve why after having said everything I think to my father, I just don't accept this and calm down. There have been 5 months already.

3.) My father told me that love is something very special and I don't have right to destroy his new love. He says his love with my mom is gone, and he believes it cannot be back. And since he found new love, he wants to keep it. He thinks that what he does is very rare, because in general he is a good and moral person, and affairs usually happen to other people. I have read the books, I know how confused he is about these things. My question is: should I continue telling him these things, or there is no sense anymore?

Thank you!

This is a good idea. And it is not just seeing the situation "from your eyes" it is a matter of seeing the truth. Your goal is to give them facts they likely do not have. The truth is not based on a specific perspective, but on reality. You are telling them the reality.


Just explain that you are simply spreading the good news. Is there something wrong with spreading the good news? Are they saying there is something wrong with adultery?

You can also explain that just, good people don't enable others in destructive behavior. If your father was addicted to heroin and living on the street you would not sit by idly and do nothing. What if he was a falling down drunk who wanted to drive a car? Would you also make excuses to do nothing? Of course not. Decent people do not enable their family and friends when they are engaging in destructive behavior. Your fathers affair is the biggest mistake of his life. It will wreck his marriage and his relationship with his children, for a sleazy affair that will not last.


Just tell him that his love with the OW won't last and that he can have the same feelings for your mother again if he goes through a marriage recovery program. Wouldn't the ideal situation for him to be in love with his wife?

One of the most critical exposures will be to the OW's family. They need to know she is a home wrecker who won't be accepted into your family. After you are done, I would tell the OW that there is no future in her affair with your father because she will be eternally hated by your family for her part in wrecking your family.

You can send a friend request to the OW, make a copy of her friends list and expose using that. She will surely unfriend you when you start exposing, but you will have achieved your goal.

I know you were worried that this would push them together closer, but what it will do is cause major conflict in their affair. The OW will be squealing like a stuck pig and she will be squealing about HIS DAUGHTER. Once his anger blows over about exposure - and it will - she will still be griping about you and he will get very defensive! Fights about kids in such relationships are LEGENDARY!! They have broken up many relationships.

OK, I will not be much afraid of this anymore.

Because every situation is different - one questions still comes to my mind: do you think that after I contribute to the fall of the relationship, my father can be extremely hostile towards me (mainly) and our family (as a whole)? Being so angry that I/we have caused his new love disappear, that he will not want to come back to us.

I am writing this because after I wrote to this other woman, he was so angry and he told me that he will never allow me to spoil his new relationship in this way, and he wanted me to know that even if this new relationship fails, he will not come back to my mother. He said he does not want to, he hates everything, and he will be alone anyways, and he will find later someone else.

He said this in a very angry mood - I told you that in general, when he is not happy about something, he has huge angry outburts (verbal). So, I don't know whether to give his statements some truth. Are there such cases, when the man who really wants to leave the family (or shows all these indications) actually leaves the family even if the affair breaks? My father's situation is such that, as I wrote you, he justifies his actions, he doesn't feel much guilt, and he will feel that it is totally not right for me to mess up with his new life --> he might become hostile.

I will be prepared for everything. I guess, you will not know for sure either, but what is your opinion about it?

Thanks you.