Hello MB,
Here is some info of my situation: Married 12 years, together 17 with 2 children 8 & 6. My wife and I seemed to have the perfect marriage until a few months back. About 6 years ago, she started to become unhappy. I did what I thought would make her happy, but my actions only pushed her further away while at the same time losing my identity. She started to detach further and our connection faded, but I was in denial... I just kept trying to make her happy, which continued to make things worse. Everything came out, about 4 months ago and she was ready to leave. To me, everything became clear - thanks to therapy, I learned what I was doing wrong, why I was doing it and why it was not working. We were in limbo for a few months, but we both wanted to make things work. We decided to move past the issues together.

Since then, I have been going through a major internal rediscovery of myself. It has been a huge struggle, which I have been mostly keeping from my wife - but sharing with my therapist, support groups, close friends and family. I have guilt over the past, fear about the future, and I'm very sensitive about the present. I'm finding that living this way is exhausting and I'm trying to find a balance.

Over the past two years, my wife has become very independent. She took an intense job, and I've been covering more of the family work. We still have lots of fun together, going on trips, date-nights, common interests. The sex has been OK. We seem to have a great partnership, but the connection is very weak. I feel I am putting forth a great deal of effort to get things back on track, she is just going along but seems to have a positive attitude.

Currently, my plan is to work on myself and give it some time... but try not to seem withdrawn.

There is so much more... but maybe I'll stop here and see if anyone has some insight so far?

Welcome to MB.

Your wife is having an affair, and that is why she was ready to leave 4 months ago. Her affair partner would not leave his wife, and that is why she backed down from leaving you, but this man is still on the scene, and that is why your marriage is not recovering.

Has your therapist told you this? If not, you need to stop seeing him.

You do not need a "major internal rediscovery" of yourself; you need to find out who she is having the with. Do not ask her. Go through her electronic communications and find out who it is.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Have you read over the Basic Concepts?

What are her complaints about you? Why did she say that she was unhappy?

Yep, I had been suspecting this for some time. When she was ready to leave, I checked her phone records and found activity that was very suspect of her affair partner, however I could not see context. I saw the times and dates of calls/texts, but not the actual text messages. I worked with my therapist to try and get her to confess, and I finally was able to - without her knowing I snooped. The guy was across the country, and I believe the affair was emotional only... perhaps more when they first met last summer, but she denied a sexual affair. I told her she has to end it if we are to move forward, and she agreed. I checked her phone records to verify, and it appeared she did just that.

We've gone to couples therapy for a little while and she suddenly turned a corner with her decision on to stay or go.

Things seem okay now, but not like they were before.

Hit Notify and ask the MODS to move this to Surving an Affair.

Who is the other man? How did she meet him?

Have you read the exposure thread?

Hi Raptor, welcome to Marriage Builders. It is obvious that your wife had an affair, and it was sexual. I am sorry to tell you this, but it is true. Just because he lives across the country does not mean they didn't hook up. Your wife and the OM had ample opportunity to meet up on trips. Still do.

The biggest impediment to your marital recovery now is you are distracting yourself with lots of needless and futile gestures like counseling and "introspection." Introspection is cute, but not at a time when your marriage is in a freefall. The things you have been doing are a complete distraction from marital recovery. You have no plan whatsoever to repair the damage to your marriage. Not having a plan is a plan to fail.

Most marriages do not ever recover from infidelity and end up in a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage, more vulnerable to affairs then before. The betrayed spouse just grows more and more resentful as the years pass as a result until another affair occurs and divorce is usually the outcome. You don't have to end up like that if you follow this plan.

The plan that Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and author of Surviving an Affair, recommends not only works but it creates romantic, passionate love in the marriage. When you are happy in the present, your mind will not wander to the tragedy of the past. Nor will your wife likely have another affair. The plan is 2-fold: 1. affair proof the marriage and 2. create a passionate, romantic marriage.

Most counselors have no earthly idea how to fix marriages, especially when there has been an affair. However, this is Dr Harley's speciality. Most of us who are posting to you experienced affairs in our own marriages and have happy, romantic, affair proofed marriages today. We can help you do this too if you are able to follow a plan.

She probably got a secret cell phone and has just gone further underground. Have you been able to identify the OM? Can you access the phone and look at her texts?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.