Sorry for the long post in advance! Myself 30M and Wife 30F have been together since we were 18; married for 3 years. About a month ago she said she has been miserable since we've been married. As soon as we got married I started a new job and we had to move away from our families, and our support systems. I got pretty consumed with work as it is a high stress job. We don't go out ever, we never have date nights, we just focus on saving as much money as we can...and we have become a great team at this. Well of course I have seen that I may not have put my marriage first so I vowed to make that happen at all costs. I have set up a counselor starting next week, and asked her to go to counseling with me. She refused and says she's not sure she wants to work on it anymore as she feels like she has tried to work on it all this time. I obviously feel heartbroken. Well, along this same timeframe I find out she has a new male friend at work that she is texting ALL DAY. This obviously doesn't seem right to me, but I just tried to keep trusting her. Well, I decided to do a little more investigating. I added the guys contact info to my phone so i could see his status in the messaging app. So every time he and her were online at the same time, I would walk near her...She would immediately switch out of the app into another app or to the home screen and make some awkward casual statement (What's the weather app you use or What was the name of that thing). Also, she asked the guy to get the app, so I assume she is the only one he talks to on there and his profile picture is a selfie of him posing shirtless in the gym. I'm even more heartbroken now at this point. She admits to deleting messages from him. She texts him all day and a lot at night. Last night, I saw she was texting him, so I said to her "You talking to your buddy?"; to which she replied "no, talking to my sister"(she was talking to her sister as well). So she straight up lied to me, and showed no signs of remorse. She has been so distant and secretive. Now I know a lot of people are going to say she is having sex with him, and right now I don't think that is true because she hasn't had the time. I do think that it is heading that way though. Now this brings me back to the "being miserable for 3 years thing": I decided to go find all of our cards to each other for the last 3 years worth of Anniversaries/valentines/bithdays. Every single card is riddled with positives about the relationship and how well it is going and how proud she is of us. I showed her the cards and poured my heart out to her, and it seemed that she was at least understanding. 2 weeks ago she tells me she has been thinking about getting an apartment, and that maybe some separation will help. I of course tell her that we need counseling and that separation will not help our marriage...to no avail. Now I am stuck wondering how the hell to keep moving forward, or what to do. I am just lost. I can't continue to let her walk all over me and lie and be deceptive. But I also don't want to tell her to leave because that just gives her more opportunity to pursue this other guy. She says that when/if we separate it would be a temporary/healing separation and we would still see each other often and date. I just don't know how I feel about this. Obviously the hopeful side of me says "yeh, that would show her what she is missing"; but the other side of me thinks that its just a ploy to go [censored] this other guy and get out of our marriage. Am I looking at a case of Grass is Greener Syndrome? I desperately want my wife back committed to our relationship!

Hello lost, welcome to Marriage Builders. It is obvious your wife is having an affair and has fallen in love with this man. She shows all the classic signs of an affair, such as rewriting history. She says she has been unhappy for "years" despite obvious evidence to the contrary. She believes this because she has a new point of comparison. It is like someone who becomes addicted to heroin, suddenly they view life through a new prism and history without heroin pales in comparison to the new high.

The solution is to get solid evidence of the affair, expose the affair and run the OM off. Put spyware on her phone and get the evidence. Stop accusing her and gather evidence. Find out who the OM from facebook, etc and prepare to expose the affair to his family and friends. Go read my exposure 101 thread and start strategizing.

You need to avoid "counseling" at all cost because it will ruin your chances of saving your marriage. Marriage counselors have no earthly idea how to save a marriage and wil only validate your wife's marriage wrecking ideas. You are more likely to find yourself divorced if you take that path. There is no reason your marriage cannot be saved and we can show you a plan that will give you the best shot.

The only reason she wants to separate is so she can pursue her affair. That will not help your marriage so don't go along with it.

lostaf, Welcome to Marriage Builders. So sorry for the things that have brought you here.

I'm sorry to say your W is having an affair. If you wish to save your M then you need to follow a very rigid plan. Fortunately you've come to the exact place you need in order to save it.

Please ask the moderators to move your thread to the Surviving an Affair section of this forum. [Edited: I see it was moved already]. Meanwhile the fabulous veterans, that know how to best save marriages where infidelity is present, will be along here shortly. They will give you step by step instructions of what you need to do to save this. Please, PLEASE do exactly as they instruct.

Read up everything on this website. Do nothing until you have the plan that will be laid out for you by these great people.

Right now your W is having an emotional affair. However it is very likely it has turned physical. Regardless emotional or physical they are both just as damaging and the course of action is the same.

Oh and there you go. Melody has responded already. There is no greater resource on this site than Melody for helping you fix this.

You're in good hands. Listen closely to what she has to say.

Thanks so much for your quick response. I have no way to put spyware on her phone. She has it with her at all times. Also, she would probably be able to tell. Our of curiosity, what software would you recommend if I were able to?

Another way to get intel is to put a voice activated recorder in a place where she speaks to the OM. But you might be able to get into her phone with some of the programs mentioned in this thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2832187#Post2832187

Another good spyware program is webwatcher. Can you get her phone while she is sleeping?

No, she sleeps with it on or under her pillow. Takes it with her to the bathroom. Carries it around the house. I don't have access to it ever! Plus if I installed something, it will show up in the applications manager (Android) and she is more than intelligent enough to be checking there. I have circumstantial evidence in that i can see when her and the guy are online at the same times on WhatsApp, and I have kept a log for a few days.

Spyware does not show up in the app manager, though. Circumstantial evidence is not evidence of an affair. You need actual evidence so you have to figure out a way to get her phone.

Who is this guy? What do you know about him?

I installed Dr. Fone on my phone to test it out, and I was easily able to see it in the application manager. That is where you would go if you wanted to uninstall it.

It is actually her boss. I know he is single, in good physical shape, intelligent, makes decent money, has obviously won my wife's affection, and is absolutely destroying me.

In some ways I wonder if it wouldn't be a good idea to just let her move out and see how hard life is without me. But i know this just presents more time for her to nurture her affair. This is where I am really torn. If I could just know the truth I think I would feel so much better. I am starting to understand the reality that I may be moving on without her in the not so distant future, and it is truly a scary thing. She has been my support, backbone, and world my entire life....oh and she is smoking hot and the sex is awesome...even though it's been a while.

In EVERY WAY that is a bad idea that just makes it harder to save your marriage.


Do you want to try and save your marriage? If so, you need to get to work and get solid evidence. We will help you with next steps. Does she work for a corporation?

I absolutely want to save my marriage. She does work for a small division of a large corporation.

You have the OM by the balls. All it will take to wreck this little affair is evidence. So I would focus 1000% of your efforts on being like James Bond and getting the evidence. We will then help you expose the affair in a very strategic manner. You do understand that your wife can't continue to work there and save your marriage, right? The goal will be to get them fired or have her quit.

Hide a VAR in WW's car and one in the house where WW takes most of her phone calls.

Well, I haven't forgotten about you guys, but I have been unable to obtain any proof so far. I just can not get to her phone for anything more than MAYBE 5 seconds. So I am really just screwed on this. I am really at a point that I don't think I am willing to live with this much longer. I think it's almost time to drop the bomb on her now and ask her to start discussing division of assets.

Don't let your emotions get the best of you even though it's tough.

You should never discuss the divorce...an attorney handles that.

What about the VAR? If you don't have the basic facts then how can you make a solid plan?

lostaf, you need to work harder to get the truth. Don't make any decisions until you have the full truth.

Well...I found mom's address and she is there right now..what do I do? Help quick!

Om's

Well, I confronted. It was very casual. Just knocked, OM came to door. Told him I would like to speak to my wife. He asked her to come out. I said "I'll see you at MY house." I turned around, got in my truck and drove off!