Its really worth nothing.

He is gaslighting you about the nature of his affair with her, continuing to contact her behind your back, and refusing to leave a job where he works with her daily.

His agreement to buy a new phone means absolutely nothing. He can easily have a second affair phone to call her on, that you do not have records of. This is pretty standard affair procedure. And he really doesn't need any of that because he works with her and sees her everyday.

You really cannot let fear and emotions run the show here. You do have an opportunity to end this affair and recover your marriage, if you expose correctly (and this includes exposing to their workplace) and give him a list of requirements by which you will stay in the marriage. In other words, if YOU take control here. If you make decisions based on fear and emotion, your chance of recovering your marriage will be LESS and it will also make you look less attractive. It will also cause you greater suffering in the end.

Step 1 here is to kill the affair through exposure.

Thanks unwritten, I appreciate you, MelodyLane, apples123, AnyWife and BrainHurts all taking the time to help me through this traumatic experience more than you know.
Since I failed today I'm regrouping and here is my updated plan:
1. Find and use a text retriever to obtain detailed evidence.
2. Come up with an exposure plan and list.
3. Expose the affair Thursday while my husband is traveling and out of the office.

Thats a great plan Montgomery!

Please keep coming here for advice if you have questions.

I just want to point out that traveling jobs are very destructive to marriages, and also create affair friendly situations. This is another reason your WH will need to leave this job. You cannot build or maintain a great marriage, or recover from an affair, under these circumstances.

Thanks unwritten, he usually doesn't have to travel overnight and this is a day trip where he will supposedly be going somewhere a couple hours drive away but coming back the same day. I do wonder if he is really planning to spend the day with the OW though. When he was out of town for several nights in October and November (which is unusual) he was having multiple hour long conversations with her.

I've already started making my exposure list.

Honestly I'm too the point where the stress is so great that I just want to get this over with even if he leaves me!!!

I'm not sure if it matters or changes anything but I work for the same company but a different location as both of them so hopefully I won't be jeopardizing my own job in any way. I honestly don't care but it's just a weird situation.

I can't imagine you would jeopardize your own job. But you may want to leave anyway as the job itself will likely be a trigger to you. Especially if the OW stays working there too.

Can you hire a PI to follow him for this day?

Also, I guess I haven't heard of it as a 'text retriever' in the past, so I am concerned that will only pull up text information and you had said the records show them texting less (because he knows you are on to him). Can you put a keylogger on his tablet, computer, etc. or a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car to capture phone calls? Can you hire a PI to follow him tomorrow or even Thursday when he leaves to go out of town, in case he does pick up the OW or rendezvous with her for the day instead?

The quicker you get the evidence the sooner you can get the exposure done.

BrainHurts and unwritten, I can check into a PI. I have absolutely no experience with this but I'll definitely research it. Thanks for the suggestion.

Here, this might help.
Private Investigators

Thanks so much BrainHurts. I sent an email to have someone contact me from the link you posted. I talked with my husband further and he claims it was 'only' an emotional affair. Part of me feels guilty for what I'm about to do but I know it must be done and it's better to have hard evidence. I will definitely let you all know what comes of the PI Investigation. I talked to him about transparency with the phone etc and he says he doesn't want to live that way so that is yet another red flag that he isn't being completely honest.

Good let us know how it goes. You're correct that his reluctance to be transparent, is a huge red flag.

Also, stop talking to him about the affair so you can get the evidence without tipping him off. The more suspicious you are the more careful he will be.

You're so right BrainHurts-red flags are everywhere!

I started thinking that myself last night unwritten. Today I haven't talked about her or the affair at all.

A brief update, I spoke with two private investigators today so now I just need to pick one and get the ball rolling which means I need to find a way to pay the down payment without my husband knowing. It shouldn't be too hard because I have excellent credit but I think I might need to get a post office box temporarily too.

I figured out the OW's work schedule and I believe from checking old phone records I've pinpointed the days and time window that they are getting together.

I also learned today that my husband closed out our joint savings account unbeknownst to me so technically at this point I have no savings. He tried to act like it was a bank error. We are supposed to go in the morning when the bank opens to get my name back on the account. I'm trying to act unphased throughout all of this!

You are doing great! When do you plan to have the PI follow him? Where are you at with spyware on his phone or a VAR in his car? These are things you could do today.

By 'closed out' do you mean he withdrew the money?

I was very concerned about that as well. There is more to this story than calls and texts.

Did you hire the PI?

Unwritten and apples123, I found out he closed our joint savings account over a year ago and put all the money into a new account in his name only.

BrainHurts, I hired a PI and after my husband became mentally/emotionally/psychologically abusive about the bank account and I started questioning if it was even worth it to spend the money on obtaining solid evidence if that's the way he is going to treat me. The money is now back in both of our names and there is $2,000 dollars more than when he closed the original account and opened a new one. He said it happened because we lost the account register and he didn't want someone finding it and having access to our account. I'm not sure if I believe that story.

The PI has his retainer and is just waiting for the green light from me.

If I decide to continue to try to save my marriage (in light of his recent abuse) I thought about talking to the OW's husband about the situation and seeing if he would be willing to help me by installing a hidden fake smoke detector camera in the hall outside her bedroom.

He was extremely hurtful the day of the bank incident and he continues to gaslight and engage in other narcissistic type abuse. I've put up with that and his alcoholism for close to two decades but now that there is infinitely thrown in the mix his other behaviors have escalated and I'm just not sure *if I want to try to save this marriage anymore*.

Thanks to all who have helped me. I'm praying for guidance, wisdom and clarity.

I will update this when I decide what I want to do.