How do you know her original affair is over?

Did you do any kind of exposure of her affair?

Yes, I exposed the affair and her family went biserk. He has now moved on to someone else and she has continued on to the bar life. Which she hated and always said she never wantes until now. I asked her to consider coming back today and she refused. She says were too different and we argue all the time. That's her only real excuses. I feel like she's going through a midlife crisis or something. She someone Idk anymore.

Dr Harley calls "mid life crisis" a form of denial practiced by betrayed spouses. It very much sounds to me like the crisis is an affair that she never recovered from. She became wayward minded from an affair and when that affair ended, she went onto another one. All betrayed spouses say their WS acts very much out of character so that is very typical.

I would agree with that. It seems as she has moved on and doesnt want to listen to anything I have to say about our marriage, God, or anything. She told me to stop trying to buy her back with the gifts and flowers I bought her. She said she hasnt had the same feelings for me for six months. Which is when the original emotional affair took place.

Just keep it up! she may come around. You have nothing to lose.

How old is your DD? What do the kids know about why you�re separated?

Except my sanity. I guess I cant keep myself from getting my hopes up each time.

She is 24, we got married when she was 20. My daughter is too young to understand. I told my son that we just couldn't get along anymore.

Is she at least 4? Dr. Harley says children as young as 4 should be told.
Read this and listen to the radio clips in here Exposing to Children

No, she just turned 3 in October.

Well she just called me for no particular reason and we had a nice 30 minute conversation. It was kinda odd.

Now she is becoming angry because her family is all on her to return to,the marriage. Anything I do for her or give her is looked at with distain. I'm starting to think Plan B is the only option left.

Hi Klayton,

So this is what I understand, both from what you have written here and the updates separately:

-you have given gifts, flowers, mailed written letters in your Plan A efforts.
-she is angry with her family for taking your side and not hers
-she still works at bars and goes out with others after work but isn't seeing a particular .

-After you have reached out to her a few times, she starts responding to texts or initiating texts but then keeps reverting back to not wanting the marriage ever again.

- She recently sent you a text about not being able to handle you talking to a particular woman. You don't have anything going on with this woman at all, but it's a woman from work that she's always been suspicious of and has complained about before.

- Her recent communication was that she is "done" with the marriage.

-You are feeling very discouraged about continuing on.

*********************************

So, with that information, whether to fight for the marriage or go to Plan B is always a decision that can only be made by the betrayed spouse. However, you don't want a foot in both decisions - it's either/or. A foot in both decisions is always a strategy for failure.

That said, you have something here to fight for if you want to. A wayward wife who is still foggy will be acting like your wife. Continuing your Plan A efforts could very well eventually break through to your wife.

It's really hard to continue the Plan A slog at this stage, but Dr. Harley has seen many successful resolutions when the husband persists for some time - as far as even two years in some cases. If she hasn't come around in 2 years, Dr. Harley generally advises betrayed husbands to file for divorce and go into Plan B.

What are your thoughts on continuing to pursue your wife? It's really hard at this point but you haven't given it very much time yet.

Some betrayed husbands around here have taken an antidepressent while they are in your phase just to keep their emotions out of their way, and freeing their intellect to continue the pursuit.

There are better infidelity experts than I am on this board, so perhaps some of them will weigh in to add to anything I've said that could be useful.

You are in the hardest phase of recovering the marriage. Persisting through this has paid off for many marriages.

Would your wife respond to an invitation to a fun family outing?

One thing I've noticed you struggling with is trying to figure out where she is based on what she says.

Wayward wives only speak garbage while they are still in the fog. Don't spend 2 seconds trying to figure out where her thoughts are at - just assume the are foggy garbage and keep on keeping on.

Have you corrected this wrong information with your son?

Children who know about the affair are often GREAT agents for the marriage. I've heard from some people that the pressure the kids put on the wayward spouse was a key factor in breaking through her wayward, foggy thinking.

I invited her to a family outing Saturday and she completely,rejected me saying she had to work and that she wished In would stop trying. That we are over and will,never get back together. But it never fails she will,text me sometime during the day lookojg for something or,some trivial,thing. Which brings me to my,having her cake and eating it too,analogy. She gets a husband but gets what she wants to do too. Also, with having a child exchange etc. Plan B would be difficult.

It's hard right now, but the only way to break through is to just keep inviting, keep reaching out, keep responding to the positive motions she makes, keep ignoring the bad stuff.

It is terribly unjust that YOU, the betrayed person, have to do all of this hard work and suffer this way, but Dr Harley's research and experience has shown that sustained, persistent and consistent Plan A'ing by husbands does often result in success.

How are you holding up through this? Are you taking time to work out and nourish yourself, both body and soul?

It's a long slog, and a hard one.

This shows quite a bit of ambivalence to her decision. She's saying no but indicating a maybe yes. There's definitely hope to keep up the course.


Try to not focus on this. It is injustice to you, but it has also been proven as the best situation to win back a wife.

Women respond to pursuit; she has a love bank account for you so you just need to keep making deposits by meeting emotional needs. Dr. Harley has found that making enough deposits with these needs lead to a person falling in love with you. You can use this information to lead her back to falling in love with you by consistently making deposits by meeting her needs - similar to how you pursued her when you were dating.

Have you read about the emotional needs so you have some items to focus on?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

Yeah, I have read that article and I have read the love bank. But I swear its like she closed her account to me.

If she is still in her affair her love bank is closed to you. And if you are sure the affair has ended she will be going through withdrawal.