Looking back ... I can see I worked myself through a very awkward "plan A" .... although I never heard of plan A until years into recovery and I started poking around this site. Looking back ... I can see my efforts to become differentiated ... although I did not read Schnarch's "Passionate Marriage " until years into recovery.<p>Plan A is very much complementary to Schnarch's ideas of differentiation. Developing a positive identity within
the context of a marriage struggling to overcome infidelity. Developing a strong sense of self-worth that is valid both within and outside
the boundaries of
the marriage.<p>I can NOW see plan A as a path to greater self worth and NOT necessarily as a plan to "win back"
the heart and mind of
the infidel ... although that might happen. It is a plan to differentiate myself and identify myself as a worthy person apart from
the circumstances of
the marriage relationship. Plan A'ers
are not like doormats to wipe your feet upon and to mis-use .... more like a *welcome home* sign... if both persons choose to re-inter
the marriage! Plan A says : "I can hold onto my better self under
the worst of circumstances".<p>Schnarch says:
"We develop a contingent identity based on a 'self-in-relationship'. Because our identity depends on the relationship, we may demand that our partner doesn't change so that our identity won't either." <p>Then ... comes
the grenade of infidelity tossed into
the marriage and
the entire fusion of identities is blown apart!
The aftermath of
the grenade then boils down to this question ....<p>
WHO THE HELL AM I ... AND ... WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?<p>And, asking this question to
the *fogged-in* infidel is pointless. They got INTO
the affair because they were lost to themselves, and went searching for a new self .... and, INSTEAD of differentiating themselves ... they fused identity to
yet another relationship ... actually moving away from a healthy differentiated view of their self-worth ---->
I am wonderful because my affair partner thinks so.<p>Plan A says and demonstrates to OURSELVES:
I am not some weak pathetic person deserving to be abandoned or cheated. I am demonstrating decent and loving behaviour. I am worthy of love and devotion. ... If
the infidel notices .... double bonus points. If not, I become better differentiated along
the way ... and I can see my strengths despite terrible and hurtful circumstances. <p>Once I become more fully differentiated and have stable and accurate self-worth (after
the grenade) ... I am then in
the position to identify
healthy choices. I can honestly say that I will be a sensational woman within this marriage... or after this marriage terminates.<p>I think I finally understand what I went through. I understand that I am
the better woman for it. I understand my spouse is
the better man for it.<p>That is a powerful message to myself.
The anxiety that floods
the betrayed spouse is
the perceived loss of identity . Self worth and a differentiated identity is
the harvest of plan A .<p>I think I get it now.<p>Best to all of you travelers on this journey!<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>[ April 06, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]<p>[ May 04, 2002: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</p>
