I seriously can't believe your BH has to put up with this childish rubbish from you.

If you cared at all, and were even 1 teeny weeny bit serious about realising what you have put him through, you would NEVER i repeat NEVER NEVER NEVER put him through that.

You just really wanna see the OM don't you???

Yuck....you're so fogged out I can't even see the board!

Send a gift and a card to your friends, they will be fine with the idea that you were not feeling well that day.

It really is that simple.

Stop being such a drama queen, OK!

Fullmoon, it is NOT that we don't hear you, we do. We just also know one major thing WAYWARDS LIE. And I am sorry to tell you this sweetie, but you are still a WAYWARD. You do not get the label FWW until you have done a lot of things RIGHT. The first of which is going completely NC with your OM.

Now, look at what you are saying to us, true believers in MB. You are arguing with us that DrH is WRONG. That it is OKAY for you to go off to the wedding because your BH really doesn't seem to think anything of your EA. Hunny, what I am thinking is exactly what was said to you. THIS should scare the CRAP outta you. Either your BH doesn't think too highly about marriage, he has had some affair(s) himself, or he just doesn't WANT to look at this to closely.

What MB is is a CLEAR and CONCISE guide to how to have a spectacular marriage that is fulfilling to BOTH parties when followed. You should learn about MB to benefit YOU and YOUR marriage. You need to clear up your side of the fence.

Do you feel badly about what you did? Do YOU believe that you have an EA? Then listen to the people on this board and on this thread and follow what they are telling you to do.

The worst thing to happen would be that you don't listen, vets stop posting to you(because they will only help people who are willing to help themselves), and then one day, either your BH tell you that he could never get over your EA, and you divorce, or you come on here as a newly BS.

Please, listen to what they are saying and take a leap of faith. Nothing they are telling you to do is to hurt you or harm you. They are telling you the things that have been shown to HELP people recover from an affair. Are you willing to take that leap of faith?

Don't go to that wedding. MAKE sure you NEVER have contact with OM again. Let your BH know that you will NEVER see OM again because you CAN NOT. It is the best thing for your marriage and your marriage means more to you than any friendship.

Years ago, a couple of my H's so-called friends propositioned me. I was never attracted to either of them, and I was offended by their assumption that I would take them up on their offers.

One of them actually came to my house one night, purportedly looking for my H (and I later found out that he already KNEW my H was at his hunting camp that night). He wanted me to invite him in...asked me for a glass of water. I took him a glass of water out to the front porch, and told him in no uncertain terms that I did not invite men into our home when my H was not there.

I told my H. He, like your husband, didn't think it was a big deal...because, after all, he trusted ME! And, he kept right on being friendly with these guys.

Well, you know what? My H's attitude deeply hurt me...made me feel like he didn't care.

Now, of course, I'm very sure that my H was already cheating on me! So...I'm thinking that these guys likely knew that my H was cheating...and thought I would be vulnerable to them.

Fulmoon, you said that you got to talking to OM when you and your H had been "bickering". I submit to you that the OM saw your bickering as you being vulnerable to his advances.

Do NOT go to the wedding! Yes, it would be disrespectful to your H, but the biggest danger is that YOU will be set back to square one in how you feel about the OM.

Your H should NOT be going to lunch with female co-workers, either!

I see that one concern of your is what to tell your friends why you didn't go to the wedding. Do what Sapph would do tell them the truth. Tell your friends "I was falling in love with someone who is not my husband, and he also attended the wedding. I thought it would be a bad idea to go, and it would be disrespectful to my husband if I had any type of contact with him. Even eye contact."

Sapph is often confronted about why she no longer has a FB account, and she straight up tells the truth, "I had an affair, FB was one way we contacted each other and I don't want to repeat it."

FM,
A couple of pages back I asked you:Same post as my pointing you to my reply on the memories thread...

Any ideas for answers on these?

Mark

This is admirable, but TMI for the couple that is marrying. A simple, "I'm sorry we can't make it. I would love to be there and wish you the best!" would do.

As a man who recently went through a wedding, I can tell you that would be enough. My day wasn't about who was attending, but about the woman I was marrying.

The approach you recommend is a bit much.

hi fullmoon,
I wouldn't go to the wedding, why do that to your husband, I'm a BS and I know how I would feel if my husband wanted to go anywhere the OW was.....I would be filled with doubt and pain the whole time....if the wedding couple asks tell them the truth that attending the wedding and having the OM there would hurt your husband and that you were chosing not to do this.....they are entering a new marriage they will understand and respect that decision......
NO CONTACT with the OM means exactly that, it doesn't mean just in your head, you have to actually put it into place and make sure you avoid him at all costs it has to be a thought out effort on your part......
I think everyone is your affair fog believes the same thing.....keep reading this site and learning about you and your thinking........you don't believe it, we all see it and you will to as the fog lifts and you see the affair for what it really is.......WRONG for your marriage.....you have hurt your husband, why continue, if you dont' really care about him then you need to leave him and stop hurting him with your selfishness...........
maybe if you are not sure about giving up contact with the other man then you should separate and think things through, your husband should have the option as well whether he can live with a woman who still seems to have some need to share time and space with her OM.......how much more do you expect him to endure...........

I agree with htld. Unless you are immediate family, or in the wedding party - they're not going to care if you are there or not. The only excuse you need to give is "for family reasons" or for "personal reasons" and that's it.

People understand that. Sometimes you just can't make it.

Now, it may be that your husband wants to go to this wedding and wants you to 'get over it' and just 'not do anything wrong'. Tell him that not going to the wedding is the only way you can keep from doing anything wrong and is the only way you know to get over it.

DH and I discussed this last night (given all of your posts yesterday) and Vibrissa hit it on the nose. This is precisely how my DH feels.

Jess, my DH is not hurt at all. It is bothering him that I am on this website (making a big deal out of nothing). The EA is inconsequential. To him.

There is SO much here for me to respond to and I will. I have to finish up something I am working on first...

Could that be because you haven't told him the whole story... about OM's behavior towards you? If he knew that not only were YOU attracted to OM but also about OM's behavior towards you when H wasn't around, he may think twice about this whole deal, but so far you've deflected every question about that.

The fact that you are willing to go to this wedding knowing that OM will be there says alot about you and your commitment to protecting your marriage.

Deflect away.

FM, I just read your whole thread. There�s definitely a Mars/Venus thing at play here. Your H is having a problem I had. I saw what I wanted to see versus the reality.

What you need to do, and do it soon, is tell your H very bluntly: �Our marriage is in danger. I�ve told you this and you�ve dismissed it as my imagination. IT�S NOT! I�m trying to tell you that I am attracted to your bf. I�m trying to tell you that if given the chance I was on a road where I would have cheated on you. The right response is to take this seriously and STOP DISMISSING IT! Don�t tell me it�s just in my head. Don�t tell me it�s something that just happens. Don�t sweep it under the rug. We have a serious problem and the answer isn�t, �stop talking to people on the internet�. The problem was there before I talked to people on the internet. �

There is a hole in your relationship with your husband. One of the very things that attracts you the most to him is one of the very things that is a hole in your life and that is a big threat to your marriage. Your H believes that if he explains things logically, then you will see things as he does and that there is nothing further to discuss.

OM obviously filled a need you have that H isn�t meeting. Your H is emotionless, OM on the other hand, is a passionate man. Your H strikes me as a man with little passionate emotions. He does the things he needs to do and doesn�t get too worked up about things. Great qualities in some ways, but a massive danger in terms of getting worked up when he SHOULD be worked up.

I never imagined that my WXW would ever cheat on me. And then she did. We�re all human and we are all susceptible to temptation. Your H may not think it is a big deal since you didn�t act on the EA you had. Men have a much easier time forgiving an EA than women do. The physical betrayal is often more hurtful to a man than the emotional one. Women tend to react opposite. Both are painful to a BS, it�s just the emphasis that is different between the sexes.

The feelings you have and have had for the OM are massively dangerous and are a seed planted in your psyche which could lead to the destruction of your marriage. They shouldn�t be dismissed by your H very easily.

Seriously, we want you guys to succeed and save your marriage and you were very courageous to come here and admit the feelings you were having. Now take the advice we give you as people who have walked down the path either as the one who betrayed or the one who was betrayed or who did both!

Your H�s problem is very much a man thing. We see what we want to see. Women often feel they�re communicating their feelings very clearly to us through hints, actions, little stuff. We men, on the other hand, basically think that if you�re not complaining, then there aren�t any real problems.

This is why we get caught so off guard when our wives cheat. Many of us become complacent and think nothing is wrong when the woman is thinking, �Why can�t he SEE how I feel?�

Well, he can�t see it because you�re dancing around the issue instead of getting right to it. �I�ve had thoughts about F�ing your best friend. He has flirted with me! This isn�t something to take lightly or dismiss!�

Your husband�s biggest problem is denial.

Honestly, I commend you for doing what you need to to communicate with him before acting on your feelings but his absence of reaction and emotions will actually hurt you in the long run and will lead to the thought on your end, �He just doesn�t care enough about me to get worked up.�

There�s a big part of your that is hungering for him to show emotions and a passion for you that he simply isn�t doing right now. Well, he needs to wake up.

I think you should tell your husband point blank

"The other man hits on me and I like it. I have fantasized about him and have developed feelings for him. You want me to get over it and just not do anything. There is no way for me to do that if I still see him, talk to him, or if I know YOU see and talk to him. Because it will keep him in my mind. If he stays in my mind, somewhere down the road I WILL sleep with him because I'm not that strong. You may think I am but I'm not strong enough to avoid someone actively pursuing me who I find attractive and have bonded with emotionally. The only way I can be strong enough to avoid that is to have No Contact with him for the rest of my life.

OM has also been culpable here in that he flirted and perused me. I cannot stand that pressure and it is unfair of you to put me again and again in the reach of a predator. This man has made advances towards me and I don't want to act on them. I would appreciate it if you protected me from this situation by avoiding OM as well."

PERFECTO!!!!

FM,

Have you told your husband that you have fallen in love with OM? That is what this is really all about. It isn't just that you are "attracted" to him or that you find him "cute" or "a hunk" or any of that sort of thing. You have fallen in love with the guy.

If your husband doesn't see that as a problem, I see only a couple of possibilities. Either you haven't told him that, just that way, or he doesn't really think love is a viable goal for a marriage and only logical decisions can effect his life with you.

Falling in love is really a form of insanity when it comes right down to it. People do all sorts of crazy things in the name of being in love. The news almost every day has at least one story about a husband or wife who has murdered a spouse, or someone else's spouse or in some cases their own children in the name of being in love.

An EA is every bit as dangerous to a marriage as a PA in many cases. In some instances it can actually be worse. What happens is that a comparison begins to take place wherein the WS starts to actively and consciously compare the BS to the affair partner. While at the time this seems to be a logical and data processing sort of thing, it really is not.

Our brain processes data and logic primarily on the left side. It is an area that can sort information, apply past lessons very rapidly, make adjustments to our own actions and interactions with others and can modify those actions in response to whatever information our senses are giving us.

Our emotions are from the other side of our brain and really don't process information and data as much as simply respond to stimulus as it is provided. We FEEL based on what is taking place rather than examining what is taking place.

Now if a stimulus is provided to us repeatedly, and that stimulus provides us with an emotional response and whenever we have that emotional response a particular person is also present at the same time, before long, the person becomes sufficient stimulus to cause the emotional response. The response becomes what is called a directed response and the person becomes what is known as a directed stimulus. The mere presence of the person is sufficient to cause the emotional response.

Now if the person, now a directed stimulus is causing a good emotional response, when it becomes a directed response, their simple presence causes us to have that good emotional response. This is some of the science behind the Love Bank model. When that person has reached the point of being a directed stimulus so that they alone trigger a good emotional response in the pleasure center of our brain, we say we have fallen in love with that person.

What is really taking place is a bunch of chemicals including serotonin (the chemical that makes us have a sense of well being), dopamine (the feel good chemical), and the precursor to dopamine called PEA flood the receptors in our brain and give us a feeling that can even be hard to describe. It is often marked by elevated blood pressure and heart rate, feelings of euphoria and a bunch of other stuff we add together to define what we call being in love.

But those same chemicals, working in the same part of the brain are what causes addictions to things like alcohol and crack. Falling in love isn't just LIKE an addiction, it IS an addiction in the purest sense of the word.

An affair is really just a fantasy of sorts. An affair partner doesn't have to supply anything beyond the stimulus to feel good. He or she doesn't have to provide for paying of bills, raising children, maintaining a house, doing laundry, cooking meals...nothing except making each other feel good.

In addition, when we first fall in love with someone, we are only with that person when they are providing that stimulus. They aren't there at all when we have a negative emotional response to something, least of all to something they might or might not have done. So all they do is feed pure feelings and emotions and be around when we are feeling our best.

And here is where the problem takes place when an affair is beginning to do its work in the emotional state of a WS. This comparison starts to happen wherein the BS is compared to the AP. But since the logic part of the brain is not engaged in the feeling associated with the affair partner, what is being compared is the real world relationship with the BS versus the fantasy life that is really only the good feeling being generated by the AP when we are together.

Now on the surface, we see the comparison as one based on sound logic. We put together this list of Pros and Cons similar to the old method you might have been taught in school. You list the Pros or things for something in one column and the Cons or things against on the other side. Once thoughts are exhausted, we compare the columns and whichever is longer is the "right" decision or choice.

But when this AP BS comparison takes place we aren't comparing the benefits and negatives of being faithful and fixing the marriage or the benefits of having an affair (which are entirely selfish things related to our emotions)and the negative consequences of having the affair. Rather what we compare is the negative data of the real relationship with the BS versus the emotional high derived from the stimulus of the AP.

So we are comparing a feeling with day to day life, an emotional response with reality. The logic and data processing part of our brain can identify all the negative things about the BS while the emotional side of our brain can only imagine the feelings the AP causes us to feel.

Seldom do women leave their husbands because they are "attracted to" another man. They don't abandon their children and end a marriage because a guy is a hunk or because he is good at flirting or better at kissing than their husbands. They do however leave their husbands because they have fallen in love with someone else. It happens so often that this very forum exists to help those caught in such a situation whether the betrayed or the betrayer. Almost never does a woman leave her husband for great sex, so it is almost never about sex for most women. It is however about having other ENs met by a guy who makes them fall in love by meeting those ENs and causing her to feel things she thought were long dead.

The PROBLEM with falling in love with someone to whom you are not married when you are married to someone else is that unless something is done to reverse the trend, eventually the process will play out in ways that from the beginning can not even be imagined by those involved.

Once we are married, it is our responsibility to prevent ourselves from falling in love with anyone else. It can only happen if we don't actually do anything to prevent it and once it happens, the logical parts of our brain are subservient to our emotions. We end up following our heart rather than leading it and the result for marriage is always destruction and hurt beyond what you can even begin to explain to someone who has not experienced it first hand. Affairs don't happen because we meet someone special. They happen because we don't prevent ourselves form having them and we don't prevent ourselves from having them because we are making choices with the part of the brain that can't process data and logic and only feels emotions. WE WANT to feel good, so we let someone make us feel good until feeling good is all that matters to us.

The choices that protect a marriage, those that prevent infidelity, need to be made on purpose and by design, based in the left side of our brains where right and wrong, logic and reality are processed rather than in the right side where all we can do is feel what is being provided by whatever stimulus we are experiencing at the moment.


If you want to save your marriage, abandon the notion that you can only get a little high from the addiction of loving another man and still make rational, logical and data based decisions and choices. Tell your husband that you have fallen in love with his best friend and you want to renew your relationship so that you can be in love with each other all over again.

If that is your intent in being here, then MB can help but only if you accept the idea that falling in love is something that can be done on purpose and that you have the ability to choose who you are going to allow to do the things that bring that about.

Love might be a form of insanity, but you and your husband can be insanely in love with each other if you learn what it takes for that to happen and begin doing the things that can bring that to fruition.

Mark

Thank you for your concern and persistence.

DH�s belief that this is �no big deal� is [probably] allowing me some freedom to minimize it (infatuation/EA). When I thought of going to the wedding, there was no question that I must go. It�s our friend�s wedding. It�s just taboo to decline a wedding invitation. But the fact that you ALL were appalled that I even considered going�I was surprised. It�s not like I�m going to have a chance for SF with OM at the wedding. With DH there. Given my exposure. And everyone else there. So there would be a barrier between us. That�s how I was thinking of it.

There may, however, be a chance for eye contact and flirtation�which got all of this stuff started in the first place. I hoped I�d just say �hi� to OM but otherwise keep my mouth shut. I asked DH last night what he thought of his friend flirting with me. Meggy is very insistent that I reveal OM�s side of this. I started out with how he feels about flirting�and his exasperated face promptly appeared.

He said that he �doesn�t think like that� and he doesn�t want to hear this. In any case, due to your reactions, I see NC differently. With �serious� NC, if OM was on his deathbed, I couldn�t even tell him goodbye�because I would have committed to NC FOR LIFE�and there is no exception, no matter how small. Wow. Well�now I see why you�re shocked that I would go to the wedding. It doesn�t matter if there is a barrier between us or not. No means No. Period. Okay.

So I told DH that we shouldn�t go to the wedding for the NC. He said that his friends would be mad at him for life and we�re going.

Meggy, I told him that he should read my posts 3 times in our conversation last night and he declined. He is simply not going to aggravate himself. As long as I am not sleeping around, there is no problem.

DH explained that like there are different types of Christianity, there are different types of M. Perhaps, your Ms need MB principles to survive; ours does not. We have trust that does not require spying or NC. The bottomline is that when it comes right down to it neither of us will cheat (PA).

As you know, I am not a fan of the �harsh� words. *lol* It�s practically impossible for me to say, �DH, that�s where you�re wrong because I am not all that sure that I could resist f* him if he decides to take it to that level�� DH knows of my �fantasies� but does not want to hear details. [FYI: I have been doing fairly well not seeing OM over the last month since I have been exerting all of my emotional energy dealing with you guys *LOL*]

It feels like I am going to ruin my M (trying to tell him stuff he doesn�t want to hear) in order to save my M. That would defeat the whole purpose. How would MB be successful for me if I push DH away? I am not meeting his �peace of mind� EN as I continue to pursue this against his will.

Oh, as for the wedding, I am planning not to go (unless OM will not be there)...though I have no clue how that's going to work out.

I don't exactly need DH going to the wedding by himself, upset with me, with those single coworkers he eats lunch with regularly.

And Gloveoil, I will reread your post several times. You speak of how you were the well-intentioned H, sure that you wouldn't falter, but you didn't control yourself afterall. That could be me-- yes. And I don't want to have to look back to change this...when I can look forward and stop it NOW.

NO EXCEPTIONS.
No exceptions.

Thank you, Gloveoil.

FM, it is up to you to manage your own boundaries, so you can't use your H as an excuse to go to the wedding. It is much worse for your marriage to go than it is not to go. So, you can't blame your H if you do go. You are a big gurl, and as such, are responsible for your choices.


All marriages are susceptible to adultery, as you have discovered. You have already cheated, so it you know it makes no sense to say that neither of you will cheat.

The buck stops with you, FM. Whether your H agrees to your boundaries or not, you are accountable for them, not him. Just becuase he is ignorant to the threat does not absolve you of your responsibility.

This has nothing to do with your husband's "beliefs" but with the truth.

Mark, I haven't read your post yet...just the first paragraph but I think I am going to have to say:

"I am in love with him."

...nothing about f* or fastasies or infatuation or attraction...
But

"I am in love with him."

That is really confusing. I can't be in love with both of them.
Okay, guys, don't jump on me yet. Let me think about this.
I'm not analyzing it...just how am I going to get that out of my mouth to DH who I love? DH might leave me.