So then why are you separated?

We are separated and have been since June. No infidelity or affair.

Thanks Brainhurts. I'm ignoring the midlife stuff now. I didn't feel it was helping me. She seems confused at the moment. Says 'she is at a crossroads'. Is that code for the affair is still on?

Thanks goody2shoes for the reply. I agree on midlife crisis I think the affair brought this on. I just stumbled across midlife crisis articles first and it seemed to fit.

My wife puts on a brave face and gives the impression she is strong and not needy but actually she is rather insecure and I think I can easily give her the admiration she needs. She feels criticism quite strongly and this has been a big love buster.

I've been reading the basic concepts a lot and listened to SAA audio book through once. About to start listening again. I've been away for a week and can't wait to get back to her and the kids.

I dont see much in NMMNG that contradicts marriage building and in fact it has really helped me cope emotionally through all this. I feel much more in touch with my own emotions and more able to love her and the kids.

With her so withdrawn it's difficult to know how hard to push with plan A. I feel being too needy will be seen as pushy and will push her away more. Is this something I should be too concerned about?

Here Unfaithful Husband Dr. Harley explains to a BW that her WH (wayward husband) is not experiencing a mid-life crisis.

No such thing as MLC, probably just an ordinary affair. No more mr nice guy is not good for any marriage. Read the basic concepts and learn.

Welcome to MB. I would write Dr. Harley on his radio show. Let us know when you hear back.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the broadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will receive a call to explain the procedure.

So after reading some more on this site, started listening to SAA audiobook. I feel the midlife crisis stuff has been holding me back. Since I pulled back she hasn't approached very much. Cake eating at the moment I suspect.

MLC sites basically advise doing nothing and waiting and this hasn't been working for me and hence why I'm here. I like the proactive, practical approach here. It sucks that I have to be the one doing the pick me dance but I'll be a long time waiting for her to apologise, reconcile I think.

I'm now about to travel with work for a week (not ideal timing) but when I get back I'll have completed the book twice, read lots of the content on this site and will have a good plan for confirming/denying any remaining affair. I can't snoop her phone anymore, she changed her passkey just before I exposed first time and now she's getting a new one. when I get back I will be straight into plan A. (I will even plan A while I'm away by phone/text).

I've made a few mistakes up to this point but not as many as most I think. I know I'm not a bad husband and now with all the info I have I know I can be a great husband. I'm the prize here and i feel the situation can be salvaged.

I suspect my (M42) wife (W38)is in MLC and has displayed 'replay' behaviours for approx 11 months. Pulled away from me emotionally, avoided me physically. More time away from home. Dressing younger, more partying. BD ("I never loved you") 3 months ago. Discovered EA 6weeks ago and confronted with a letter stating the consequences of her actions. Stated she wants to move out and get her own place but can't afford to.

2 days later she said she claimed NC with OM. He's an ex colleague, no longer works with her.

She was already in IC when I revealed affair and even mentioned MC earlier in that conversation before I handed letter. I was trying to get her out of the affair fog. She now says she doesn't see a future for relationship, has not made any attempt to apologise, reconcile, build trust. Did I go too hard on her and set things back?

I was already doing Plan A even though I hadn't found this site. Working on myself, No More Mister Nice Guy has really helped and I'm getting stronger everyday. I was being friendly, fun planning day's with the kids. At that point I just suspected mlc and not affair.

Now since affair I'm being quite distant and reserved. Still live together, she sleeps on sofa or with D2. We also have S4, S6. She seems depressed, sleeping a lot. We're living like roommates.

I suspect affair isn't over. No proof. She isn't as protective of her phone any more but it could have move to PA. Acting suspicious, won't make eye contact. Is she meeting OM instead of going to IC.

Our marriage was OK but romance suffered a bit with 3 young kids. Sex life was still good until EA. I help a lo with kids. Even at BD she said i was an exceptional father. She was still working and felt stressed. I suspect she's dismissive avoidant. People pleaser, not good at asking for help or dealing with difficult conversations or emotions. She does have childhood issues needing addressed.

Should I just plan A a while longer and keep distance (work on me) and let her make 1st move or should I try to engage more, be more fun, friendly over the holidays? Try pushing for R now?

In laws are pro M and can't believe her behaviour either. She went to them after affair reveal.

Hi bestintentions,

I had long experience coaching with Steve Harley. I have also listened to Dr. Harley on the radio show for many years. What you describe sounds like either Plan B during an affair, or could be instead general advice for separation (without Plan B and without an affair) to encourage behavioral change.

Can you describe your situation?

Welcome to MB and sorry for what you are going through. Do you have a lawyer? Did you leave the home?

I have been married for two years and my husband is a full blown narcissist. I didn’t even really know what a narcissist was until I started therapy. Then I educated myself and was shocked that he had so many characteristics. I have gone above and beyond to make this marriage work but I am depleted. I walked away from our marriage two days ago. Everything is very raw. I know he will never change. I realized I can’t keep living like this. I am not happy and deserve so much better but it still hurts. Grieving the loss of my marriage is heartbreaking.

Hi all, has anyone had any experience in marriage coaching with dr Harley or steve telling them to keep their spouse at a distance or stay separated until the spouse had showed enough of a pattern of change and once proven, then telling them they should reunite or move back?