Re: Happening again
happyheart
03/08/25 07:58 AM
Hi Jah,
a fellow MD here. I have read your entire thread and hope you are doing well. I agree with you, that divorce is a viable option.
What I gather from all of your posts, is that you are a kindhearted person, who is seeing the good in other people, even if this is not warranted.
Regardless of what women say, it is hard to be in love with a man who is always loving and who has martyrlike qualities in doing the laundry while his wife is having an affair. I cannot see that doing chores around the house would be such an important love bank inventory that it is something you want to do yourself (maybe unless you do it in shorts and without a t-shirt flexing muscles?). As an MD you can hire people to do those pesky things. Women gravitate to men who know what they want and have a spine, of course without lovebusting all the time. I see that you are a pediatrician. Well, maybe you could put yourself in the mindset of a colleague who is a surgeon. Caring, but being able to make tough decisions and cutting away the bad parts without flinching.
You have said that your wife is a good mother. You are cutting her too much slack. A good mother would avoid hurting her children and she clearly does not care about their feelings when conducting an affair. You are a caring, well-paid and desirable human being and I think lots of women would jump through hoops to be married to someone like you, who is faithful as well.
The difference between Dr. Harley and Steve Harley's approach is the marketing perspective in my opinion. If you want to sell something you do 3 things: you make a very attractive offer (plan A; love letter at the beginning of plan B), you give a reason to buy now "only few slots available / for a short time / beware what happens if you do not buy" ( I don't think there is a 1-1 equivalent in MB except maybe exposure), and a call to action (stop your affair and then we can talk).
In plan A, you strive to be a fun person to be around, not someone who feels sorry for themselves and just be playful and careless. You show yourself on your best behavior, work out (now women has ever minded a few extra muscles), brush teeth and are a good-looking ideal "bachelor".
In plan B, you actually look great for 2 reasons: memories from plan A and if she happens to see you around, you are doing great and desirable without her, not looking depressed.
You tell how you have been supporting her during plan B. That is no plan B. She should have no means of talking to you and should be missing your wise counsel. Get yourself a nice and intelligent au pair (maybe not pretty if you are adamant on saving your marriage, but if you don't want to save it everything is fair game) to do the drop-offs and soon your children will be big enough to drop themselves off.
Please let us know how you are doing and if you ever took back your wife for the kids sake. You are still young enough to start over. For your sake, I hope you divorced her and are dating a beautiful woman without any cheating tendencies, but I can understand that being married to the mother of your kids could be a very good outcome if it works out in the long run.
Please keep us posted,
Happyheart
