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Active Threads | Active Posts | Unanswered Today | Since Yesterday | This Week
Surviving an Affair Jump to new posts
Re: God Wants Me to Stay, but I Want to Leave BrainHurts 06/24/22 01:59 PM
Did you ever write Dr. Harley as SugarCane suggested?
24 1,329 Read More
Surviving an Affair Jump to new posts
Re: How to repair my marriage BrainHurts 06/12/22 02:53 PM
When is she leaving for school?

Are you going to be cutting off all contact between your son and her?

When are you filing for divorce?
68 3,308 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: emotional need question James Hanson 06/07/22 07:28 AM
Originally Posted by Sad in the South
My wife and I are both professionals in the south. I make in the low to mid 6 figure range. My wife homeschools our kids. She stopped working 8 years ago to homeschool. The problem is financial infidelity. We were doing ok with maxing out our retirement accounts and we had about 100K in the bank and paying off our school loans and the house- we have 7 years left on this. I got a raise and didn't tell my wife in 2017 and wanted to invest in Tesla. I got a $100K loan and invested $70,000 in Tesla - I also had a screenplay that I worked on and I got a lot of help from a lawyer to work on the screenplay. I sold all the Tesla stock to work on the screenplay project. I got more raises without mentioning this and got a $100,000 loan a year ago- this was to turn the screenplay into a graphic novel and then sell the graphic novel to great acclaim. - My wife found out about the loans and I told her what was going on. She is very hurt. I was wrong in not telling my wife about wanting to do the graphic novel. I would still like to get the graphic novel done. My wife would like to take the money to pay off her school loans which I recommended we do. What do you think?

I think you need to stop hiding the truth from your wife. This can destroy your family and the trust between you.
6 1,058 Read More
Surviving an Affair Jump to new posts
Re: He filed. SugarCane 06/06/22 11:52 PM
Originally Posted by SRL
Anyone have a spouse file after turning to plan B?
Welcome to MB. I'm sorry to hear about the events in your marriage. As BrainHurts says, a WS has been known to file as your husband has done.

For how long have you been seeing a family therapist? What prompted this? Does our husband participate in the sessions? What are they designed to achieve - are they dealing with anything other than the affair?

Please urgently read what Dr Harley says about exposing to children, and then tell them about their father's affair. Your therapist is wrong; it is already traumatic for them to have their father file for divorce and not to be given any reason for that. They are more than old enough to understand what he is doing, and how this hurts the whole family. How do you think they feel to be constantly not given a reason when they ask for one?

As I understand it, it was the other woman's husband who told you about the rekindled affair - is that correct? So there is no need to expose to him? So after he exposed to you, have you had any information from him about further meetings between them? What is his attitude towards working on his own marriage? Does he know yet that your husband has filed for divorce?

Please explain about the Plan B letter. You have said nothing about your husband having moved out; had he done so before you gave it to him? If not, why did you give him the letter on the day that you did? Did you ask him to move out when you gave it to him?
6 265 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: Dating with young children in the home BrainHurts 06/06/22 05:43 PM
Here’s a good thread UA time with young kids

Have you read this one?
1 107 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: Bored to the point of divorce? axslinger85 06/05/22 11:17 PM
Hi builderjane,

It's been a while but in case you jump back on, this may be helpful:

It sounds like you are both relatively task oriented, but he doesn't have the same interests as you, and may not agree with you about things around the house and such. You mentioned he's more "in the moment", but also described him as concrete, logical and task oriented. I gathered here that he may be a surgeon or physician of some type as well, which would entail a high level of organizational skill.

It sounds like you guys are in a rut, and I would encourage you to shake things up with some of the ideas in this system (MB). There's probably many more options to you than the ones that come to mind immediately (divorce and boredom).


For boredom, have both of you fill this out and review:

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/recreational-enjoyment-inventory.htm

Find the areas you both rate highly, you will probably discover some new things. The stuff I really love from this survey are the things my wife and I both have interest in but haven't done yet, because it's more of an adventure. I've got a list of them I keep on my phone so I can work them into our date and vacation planning.


For boring conversation, I would encourage reading this and applying the concepts:

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/conversation-is-boring.htm

I think many (most?) spouses deal with this sort of thing. I run my own technology company....my wife works in K-12 education. "How was your day?" for each of us yields very different answers. Hers most about children and parents (relationships and people), mine most about software and projects (ideas and technology). I am highly interested in politics/economics/history.....she is not. I could spend all day in the garage wrenching on a car...she's a movie lover. When it comes to reading...I like non-fiction, she likes fiction.

The secret has been for both of us to study each other's interests and learn enough to find out what we are curious about in each other's areas. I'm not very interested in the latest events at school, but I'm very interested in discussions about incentives and systems because I deal with that in business, so I ask her about what types of incentives or classroom management she is using for these situations and she loves to tell me about that. She's not very interested in computer protocols or programming languages, but she does like talking about relationships I have in business and our how different events fit into our overall strategy. If you both dig, I'd bet you can find some common threads to tug at.

AND....if you fill you the Rec Activities questionnaire, you'll find a whole bunch of stuff that you might not know your spouse was interested in doing, and that can be a great source of conversation. E.g. "oh, I never knew you were interested in skiing! tell me about that."


For the house work, check this out:

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-policy-of-joint-agreement.htm

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-policy-of-radical-honesty.htm

Some of the issues you mention (e.g. flooding) are the sort of thing that is an emergency and has to be dealt with. But some of the things you mentioned (like remodeling) are discretionary, and reluctance on his part to participate might just be that he doesn't agree that the project is necessary and is not willing to say that to you. It sounds like he may be more the quiet type and you are more the assertive type. You need to make sure these types of projects are things you both enthusiastically agree to do or he naturally won't feel like participating, and he needs to make sure he is being completely honest with you about how he feels about these things. Once you get dug into a project that both spouses didn't enthusiastically want, resentment about the project is going to build easily.

If he wants to do something less frugally because it won't take as much of his time to do it, that is his prerogative even if it seems foolish to you. And time is money so it even has some merit. I am a gearhead, and will often repair a vehicle myself to save money. But...my wife is not from that background and has zero interest in helping with that. So...when car trouble strikes, we do whatever we both agree to do, and that means sometimes we take something to the shop even if it costs more out of pocket.

Last thought: My father in law is in his mid 70s and is the quiet type. Both my wife and my mother in law have said he's not much of a talker. You wouldn't believe how many hours he and I have spent talking, he's told me all kinds of stuff about his early life my wife says she never knew about him. The secret? I figured out he loves cars, farming and consumer technology. We spend a lot of time together when we visit her family and I don't like dead air, so I've just made it a point to listen and ask, listen and ask.
15 953 Read More
Other Topics Jump to new posts
Re: Thank you Dr. Harley! BrainHurts 06/03/22 02:13 PM
Thank you so much for coming back and giving an update. It is so nice to see what a wonderful MB life you're enjoying. Congratulations on the little ones!
6 1,242 Read More
Divorcing/Divorced Jump to new posts
Re: Do I have any hope? What can I do? axslinger85 06/03/22 05:03 AM
It's been a while so I'm not sure if you'll see this or not, but here are some things to consider:

Quote
I felt secure about or marriage though she had three affairs in the past and "broke up with me" she never filed divorce and after i discovered the affairs she came back to me and we worked it out. I never thought she would leave me again after the last affair about 2 years ago. We were still sort of recovering from that and I was dumb thinking once we moved and started over things would be good so i was chillin'.

She's got a track record here so it's going to take some radical changes if you want to save this, and chillin' is probably off the table. Are you down for living a different life where you both are radically honest with each other and take steps to make keeping secrets from each other impossible? That's what you need.

Quote
I got into playing an online game and kind of upset her by being really into it a lot of my time. She complained about it but never gave me an ultimatum or anything, seemed to tolerate it. Then she started going out at night to play board games at her sisters house with her friends. More and more she was over there.

From personal experience and talking to dozens of guys in this situation over the years...you might not have been paying enough attention to catch the ultimatum. Or...she might have figured there was no point in giving one. This is a big deal here, no relationship you get into will work until you fix this. She shouldn't have to give you an ultimatum. If she complains about something and you keep doing it, you are non-verbally telling her that you don't care if it bothers her and her suffering doesn't mean anything to you. The point of a complaint is to say "hey, this is hurting me". The good news might be that you can really show her you are a new man if you do something like quit video games. It sounds like you are addicted....many guys our age are. Take that time, and find a way to spend it with her, regularly. When you are 80 you won't regret missing a game from the 2020s but you will never get these prime years back with your wife. You take that time and invest it in her and your marriage and it becomes worth something, time you didn't waste. That's all OM did to win her over, more than likely. Put time you spent on video games into spending time with your wife. Easy fix for you if you can earn the opportunity with her again. And if you don't, a valuable lesson for you if you find someone else. Look up POJA here. Stuff like playing games when your wife is complaining about you playing games is going to doom any relationship.

Quote
up until today ive kept quiet mainly about what went on to anyone besides my friends, I dont put anything on Facebook or talk to her family about how hurt, sad etc I am. I have messaged her back and forth about things im going through, shes told me a few times she wasn't sure about her choice anymore and gave me little false hopes. About two weeks ago I got tired of the "im not sure" and issued an ultimatum, she didnt come back, she said she cant hurt him because he is super nice to her, has never hurt her and is taking care of everything and she doesn't want to mess his kids up either. Ive told her that she is killing our kids, they are confused about why she lives with a friend and why we are separated now. I have been messaging her almost daily about things for the kids, kind of in a nice way trying to show her that its killing them, that she is doing the wrong thing, that she deserves better and that she is being manipulated and used to be this guy's new house wife.

Expose to everyone recommended in the exposure threads on here. If you don't, OM and your wife will tell everyone that your marriage just fell apart on its own and not as a result of any affair, and your kids will learn the lesson that if someone cheats on them, they should just take it like a doormat. If your daughter was cheated on, would you want her to stay with a man that insisted she kept it a secret? Of course not. Expose the affair.

Quote
all for this man she initially had no sexual attraction to who isn't her type and is maybe a 5 on the scale of good looking she is a 10

Like you said....this doesn't matter. Modern guys spend all this time worrying about stuff like this that doesn't matter. What does matter is he probably doesn't play video games late into the night when she's already told him she doesn't like it.

It's been 6 months and so maybe this has progressed in the legal proceedings and maybe it hasn't.....but you need 2 things.

1. Exposure - You HAVE to put a cost on them continuing this that makes it a painful commitment for them to keep up. They need to know that they will pull the wool over nobody's eyes that is close to them, everyone will know they sacrificed two families and all of these children for their own selfish impulses. You have to make that stick to this, nobody else will do it for you.

2. Plan A - You need to run a HARD Plan A. Get in the gym, work on your career, make a "spoil her rotten" list, and ditch the gaming. Every time she sees a gaming console or whatever you use, she is going to think about how you picked it over her. If the divorce isn't finalized, then nothing is settled and there's no rules saying he belongs to her. Don't avoid him, he's a piece of trash and he needs to know he stepped into your lane and you are here to push him out. If he wants to show up at family events or whatever you need to be there looking well dressed and making passes at your wife right in front of him like he doesn't exist. Who cares how it makes other people feel, he's the person out of place and it will probably give your family/friends some backbone to tell him off anyways. Your kids want you to fight for her like it's the only thing in the world. You know that, right?

PS - Talk to your lawyer to make sure custody and property schedule aren't settled if possible. Don't make this easy on them, there's no bonus points for being a nice guy when someone is destroying your family.
4 1,180 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: my wife past haunts me Parm 05/30/22 09:27 PM
no I am focussing on right person, I asked her to stop talking to him and no contact with him but she said stop talking to your friends first than I will stop...she don't like my friends..
21 1,413 Read More
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