Re: Happening again
jah
10/29/24 04:00 PM
I know I haven’t updated my story for quite awhile. It’s because of two reasons: I’ve been phone counseling with Steve Harley, and because I went through marriage builders with my wife before and she knows this forum and I was afraid she might be reading it. But it doesn’t matter much now.
A quick update in the past 5 months. At the end of June she finally moved out. She was hesitant because she was used to cake eating, but I pushed on anyways. She moved only two blocks away, far enough that I don’t see her, but it makes it easier to drop off the kids back and forth. As a pediatrician, it also helps since when I’m on call I can drop off the kids emergently if I’m called in. There is no intermediary this time, because there is nobody impartial we know who could do it, and also because we have to frequently update each other regarding the kids, and school, and sports, etc.
I still have to see her (at a distance) at school and sports events, but that’s about it. She is now severely depressed. I think she realized this guy isn’t everything she thought he would be, she struggles now since I don’t provide childcare or help around the house. She sees how great a father I am with the kids. She realizes how the community looks down on her.
In the past month about four times she had asked to work on the marriage and come back. She knows the drill because we went through all this before; I haven’t even given her a list of requirements but on her own she said she will write a non-committal letter, quit her job where she works with the OM, stop seeing the OM, be completely transparent, update me where she is at all times, etc. She will do whatever it takes, but she also wants to move back to the main house. I haven’t agreed yet because honestly, I’m leaning towards divorce at this point. I told her as a start, stop seeing this OM because no matter what, he is no good for our kids, and she agrees. But after only 2-7 days she is back with him. He cries and she gives in. This has happened 4 times now.
The most recent one, she begged me that she will stop seeing him. She said that he also told her not to see him unless she is finally divorced. But again it didn’t last, they were back together again. It hurts a bit each cycle, and I’m pretty much done with it, I don’t believe anything she says. But I do know she is depressed, severely depressed. She even once told me she was suicidal, but I wouldn’t break the separation. I told her to see her talk therapist, gave her a hotline for choosing a psychiatrist, told her to talk to close friend, and I gave her the suicide hotline number. I wouldn’t console her - I feel it would lead to cake eating.
I am at the point where I want to move on. I hold no resentment, I can find that I can forgive her and even forgive the OM. Why is this? Because being angry and vengeful will only hurt me in the end. Forgiveness doesn’t make what is happening right, and it doesn’t mean I accept it. I means I have come to a realization that my wife is an extrovert, she is not strong, she loves me but not enough to be faithful, and she doesn’t know how to set boundaries so that she doesn’t fall in love with another. My wife is a wonderful mother, and we both take care of our children very well. They have adjusted to the separation and are excelling at school and in sports these past few months.
Do I still care about my wife? I care very much for her, she is the mother of my children after all. Do I love her? I little, but not like before. Do I think I can ever love her the same as before, trust her like I did before, be close to her like before? I do. I know that following the marriagebuilders guidelines, spending enough time together, meeting each others needs, avoiding love busters, I know we can be in love again. And that is the whole problem.
I am afraid to love her again because I know it’s going to happen again. Those of you that know my story know that this is the fifth time she is cheating. After the fourth affair, we came upon marriage builders, and so we learned together about emotional needs, love busters, spending time together, etc. We learned about the love bank, how affairs happen, how to protect against it. In 12 years after that we were happily married and had two kids. And when life started putting a strain on our marriage, she went and cheated again. At this point, I find no reason, no reason at all, to believe she will be faithful if I went back.
And yet I find reasons to go back. Sometimes I think I’m just rationalizing for the sake of my heart what my mind already knows won’t work. But here are the top three reasons I’d consider going back:
3) I could protect my assets and the kids. If we went back, I could make it a requirement to have a postnuptial and also an irrevocable trust. The trust would put money set aside, protected for the kids only. The postnuptial would make sure I keep my substantial retirement (she makes 5x less than me, but also has her own retirement).
2) I cringe at the thought of my kids being around this OM. My wife so far has agreed with me to keep him out of their lives. Divorced, he could see them half the time. It would eat away at me to know that my kids, who have nothing to do with the situation, would be around this OM. I have no reason to think he does drugs or is abusive. But my opinion of his values is very low, and I don't want my kids influenced by him. I also worry that my kids will blame me for the divorce, and that the OM/my wife might plant this idea in their heads
1) The main reason to go back is because I miss my two boys. I want to be able to see them 100% of the time. I want to be able to make major life decisions for them (which would be harder once divorced).
My wife wants to move to Germany with her mom for two months to be separated from the OM since she cannot do it alone here in Hawaii, and because I refuse to let her back home. I still don’t know what I want to do, but I'm leaning towards divorce. I know the decision is ultimately mine alone, but any insights/advice you all have would be appreciated.
