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Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: 20 appointments and $1000’s later… IrishGreen 10/31/24 12:20 AM
Originally Posted by bestintentions
Originally Posted by IrishGreen
Originally Posted by bestintentions
I have asked the moderators to delete this thread and nothing has happened yet.
Sorry, the rule is we don’t delete posts.

Here Delete my threads
Hi, thanks. Can i please edit my post then to correct the incorrect information i posted?
Please email me with what you would like to correct and I will add it.
mbirishgreen@gmail.com
5 587 Read More
Surviving an Affair Jump to new posts
Re: Happening again jah 10/29/24 04:00 PM
I know I haven’t updated my story for quite awhile. It’s because of two reasons: I’ve been phone counseling with Steve Harley, and because I went through marriage builders with my wife before and she knows this forum and I was afraid she might be reading it. But it doesn’t matter much now.

A quick update in the past 5 months. At the end of June she finally moved out. She was hesitant because she was used to cake eating, but I pushed on anyways. She moved only two blocks away, far enough that I don’t see her, but it makes it easier to drop off the kids back and forth. As a pediatrician, it also helps since when I’m on call I can drop off the kids emergently if I’m called in. There is no intermediary this time, because there is nobody impartial we know who could do it, and also because we have to frequently update each other regarding the kids, and school, and sports, etc.

I still have to see her (at a distance) at school and sports events, but that’s about it. She is now severely depressed. I think she realized this guy isn’t everything she thought he would be, she struggles now since I don’t provide childcare or help around the house. She sees how great a father I am with the kids. She realizes how the community looks down on her.

In the past month about four times she had asked to work on the marriage and come back. She knows the drill because we went through all this before; I haven’t even given her a list of requirements but on her own she said she will write a non-committal letter, quit her job where she works with the OM, stop seeing the OM, be completely transparent, update me where she is at all times, etc. She will do whatever it takes, but she also wants to move back to the main house. I haven’t agreed yet because honestly, I’m leaning towards divorce at this point. I told her as a start, stop seeing this OM because no matter what, he is no good for our kids, and she agrees. But after only 2-7 days she is back with him. He cries and she gives in. This has happened 4 times now.

The most recent one, she begged me that she will stop seeing him. She said that he also told her not to see him unless she is finally divorced. But again it didn’t last, they were back together again. It hurts a bit each cycle, and I’m pretty much done with it, I don’t believe anything she says. But I do know she is depressed, severely depressed. She even once told me she was suicidal, but I wouldn’t break the separation. I told her to see her talk therapist, gave her a hotline for choosing a psychiatrist, told her to talk to close friend, and I gave her the suicide hotline number. I wouldn’t console her - I feel it would lead to cake eating.

I am at the point where I want to move on. I hold no resentment, I can find that I can forgive her and even forgive the OM. Why is this? Because being angry and vengeful will only hurt me in the end. Forgiveness doesn’t make what is happening right, and it doesn’t mean I accept it. I means I have come to a realization that my wife is an extrovert, she is not strong, she loves me but not enough to be faithful, and she doesn’t know how to set boundaries so that she doesn’t fall in love with another. My wife is a wonderful mother, and we both take care of our children very well. They have adjusted to the separation and are excelling at school and in sports these past few months.

Do I still care about my wife? I care very much for her, she is the mother of my children after all. Do I love her? I little, but not like before. Do I think I can ever love her the same as before, trust her like I did before, be close to her like before? I do. I know that following the marriagebuilders guidelines, spending enough time together, meeting each others needs, avoiding love busters, I know we can be in love again. And that is the whole problem.

I am afraid to love her again because I know it’s going to happen again. Those of you that know my story know that this is the fifth time she is cheating. After the fourth affair, we came upon marriage builders, and so we learned together about emotional needs, love busters, spending time together, etc. We learned about the love bank, how affairs happen, how to protect against it. In 12 years after that we were happily married and had two kids. And when life started putting a strain on our marriage, she went and cheated again. At this point, I find no reason, no reason at all, to believe she will be faithful if I went back.

And yet I find reasons to go back. Sometimes I think I’m just rationalizing for the sake of my heart what my mind already knows won’t work. But here are the top three reasons I’d consider going back:
3) I could protect my assets and the kids. If we went back, I could make it a requirement to have a postnuptial and also an irrevocable trust. The trust would put money set aside, protected for the kids only. The postnuptial would make sure I keep my substantial retirement (she makes 5x less than me, but also has her own retirement).
2) I cringe at the thought of my kids being around this OM. My wife so far has agreed with me to keep him out of their lives. Divorced, he could see them half the time. It would eat away at me to know that my kids, who have nothing to do with the situation, would be around this OM. I have no reason to think he does drugs or is abusive. But my opinion of his values is very low, and I don't want my kids influenced by him. I also worry that my kids will blame me for the divorce, and that the OM/my wife might plant this idea in their heads
1) The main reason to go back is because I miss my two boys. I want to be able to see them 100% of the time. I want to be able to make major life decisions for them (which would be harder once divorced).

My wife wants to move to Germany with her mom for two months to be separated from the OM since she cannot do it alone here in Hawaii, and because I refuse to let her back home. I still don’t know what I want to do, but I'm leaning towards divorce. I know the decision is ultimately mine alone, but any insights/advice you all have would be appreciated.
52 5,335 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: I grounded my wife - am I proceeding correctly? Mature 10/27/24 08:05 PM
You are not proceeding correctly. In fact even asking that question here feels like a troll. Go read the Basic Concepts of this site.

Your actions are a demonstration of coercive control. Coercive control is almost always an underpinning dynamic of family and domestic violence. Coercive control involves perpetrators using patterns of abusive behaviours over time in a way that creates fear and denies liberty and autonomy.

Coercive control needs to be called out for what it is and I fear for your wife.
1 188 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: How Do I Tell Him I Don’t Love the engagement ring BrainHurts 10/22/24 03:30 PM
Welcome to MB. I would write Dr. Harley to his radio show.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the broadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will receive a call to explain the procedure.
1 212 Read More
Pregnancy/Child Jump to new posts
Re: Children BrainHurts 10/19/24 09:02 PM
Originally Posted by Douglasbubbletro
Will that discuss parenting techniques?
I haven’t personally read it, but from what others have told me it does discuss it.

Have you also thought about emailing Dr. Harley your concerns or questions?
3 277 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: Can I become attracted to anyone? phinnino1 10/11/24 01:57 PM
That’s tough, and I get where you’re coming from. Attraction is tricky—sometimes it grows over time, but other times it just isn’t there, no matter how much you want it to be. You deserve to feel a genuine connection, and so does your spouse. It might be worth exploring if there’s any way to rekindle things, but don’t force yourself to feel something that isn’t natural. Maybe talking with someone on this {edit by MODwho gets these challenges could help—relationships are complicated, and you’re not alone in this.
15 1,545 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: MBRadio show discussing electric fence pers. phinnino1 10/11/24 01:55 PM
interesting
10 866 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: Lack of sex - anyway to fix it? phinnino1 10/11/24 01:51 PM
Sounds really difficult
11 2,225 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: Radio Program Still Active? phinnino1 10/11/24 01:50 PM
Yeaah
6 601 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: Child activities phinnino1 10/11/24 01:50 PM
ohh, amazing!
4 438 Read More
Divorcing/Divorced Jump to new posts
Re: Am I crazy to get a divorce? BrainHurts 10/08/24 05:44 PM
Welcome to MB.

If you both are seeing other people then why stay married? It seems you both are done with this relationship. You should divorce before you move on with someone else.
1 300 Read More
Divorcing/Divorced Jump to new posts
Re: Deep hurt still seeking 10/06/24 07:43 PM
I am glad you are going back through materials that can help the two of you improve your marriage.

My wife and I learned that both have to be on board, and that we had to actually had to do the work, not just read stuff.
Note that I understand that you already know this, I wrote it for a review, in preparation to ask this:
Are both of you on board, and doing something at least weekly to make marriage improvements?

What is your take on the state of your marriage since that first conversation?
SS
4 776 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: Was it given to me or us? still seeking 10/06/24 07:20 PM
I am sorry I did not get back to you in a timely manner.

You were asking for help for a specific thing that was bothering you in the moment.
My opinion is that if you (both of you) applied the things taught on this website, you would have the skills to handle these kinds of disagreements going forward.

Where are you at now with the car thing, and do you want to improve your marriage problem solving skills?

Most of the time we are not going to say "you should do this", or " you should do that."
We want you and your wife to know how to work through these things and still be in love.

Is that something you want also?
2 403 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: On the same page...in a bad way still seeking 10/06/24 07:01 PM
ColsDawg,
There is a lot of good information on this website to help marriages improve, but you have to do the work. If both of you are willing, you can fall in love again and have a close relationship.

You haven't been back since BrainHurts posted to you. Have you read what she suggested?
Are you still wanting help?
2 252 Read More
In Recovery Jump to new posts
Re: My wife’s Affair and how it broke me BrainHurts 10/05/24 05:22 PM
Please read How to Survive an Affair

How much undivided attention are you getting a week?
5 512 Read More
Operation Investigate Jump to new posts
Re: Spying on Wife's phone without getting caught? Torres1986 10/05/24 09:01 AM
Use any utility that does not need to be downloaded or installed. As per my suggestion, you should not physically handle her device to install any spy software. I would not recommend using spy apps at all. These apps are unknown and has many flaws within them. Instead, you can use online utilities like egspy to get the access. Online utilities do not demand any installation so it's safe to use.
7 10,117 Read More
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20 appointments and $1000’s later…
by IrishGreen - 10/30/24 06:20 PM
Happening again
by jah - 10/29/24 10:00 AM
I grounded my wife - am I proceeding correctly?
by Mature - 10/27/24 02:05 PM
How Do I Tell Him I Don’t Love the engagement ring
by BrainHurts - 10/22/24 09:30 AM
Children
by BrainHurts - 10/19/24 03:02 PM
Can I become attracted to anyone?
by phinnino1 - 10/11/24 07:57 AM
MBRadio show discussing electric fence pers.
by phinnino1 - 10/11/24 07:55 AM
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