Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail Denali at MBDenali@gmail.com
Active Threads | Active Posts | Unanswered Today | Since Yesterday | This Week
Other Topics Jump to new posts
Re: What's for Dinner? mikusinmihail Yesterday at 07:27 PM
You know, every time, the portal helps me out https://how-to-boil.com/how-to-boil-shrimp/ It is, with the help of it, I know how to cook shrimp. I am sure that such knowledge will be useful to you.
1,269 495,404 Read More
Surviving an Affair Jump to new posts
Re: I refuse to stepparent my wife's OC SugarCane 09/22/21 11:39 AM
Originally Posted by Bogan
my wife had an affair at her sister's bachelorette party and got pregnant with OM's child... My ultimatum to her was to give the child up for an open adoption (where she sees the kid sometimes), one of her relatives (grandparents), or give full custody to the OM (she outed him and he's willing).
Tell us more about the affair.

It isn't credible that after a 20-minute fumble under some coats in a bedroom during a party, OM easily accepted that the child was his. Think of Boris Becker's reaction when he was similarly accused after a fumble in a broom cupboard - he stole a nappy to do a DNA test. Was a DNA test done on this child? Why did OM even agree to go through with a test? Did a judge force him to go through with it?

And having accepted that the child is his, he has agreed to bring it up alone. This again is highly unusual. Very few men would want to bring up alone a child of a woman that he knew only for a few minutes. What are his circumstances - is he single, married or with a girlfriend? Why was he at a bachelorette party? Generally these are women-only, except for the strippers, aren't they?

Does he have any contact with the child? Does he pay any money towards her? Did you accept paternity on the birth certificate (as the husband you are automatically legally the father), or, following the DNA test, is OM legally recognised as the father? Does the child have your surname, or his?

You see, it doesn't sound like a one-off event to me. If she only met him on the night of the party, how would she even know his full identity in order to get a court-ordered DNA test? And again - what was he doing at the party?

It sounds as if it could have been a longer affair than just 20 minutes. That would explain why he is willing to take the child, and why she would have even asked him to do that; she knows that he is in a position to take care of the child. If a woman had only ever had 20-minute sex with the stripper at her sister's party, or with Joe the Plumber who happened to be in the bar that night, she is hardly likely to ask him to take her one of her most precious things - her child.

If they had a longer affair and you haven't been told the truth, or even if you have been told the truth but they continue to have contact, your marriage will never recover from your resentment. Even if your wife somehow gives the child away, if OM is a factor in her life in any way, your marriage will never be happy.

So that takes me back to an earlier question: having given away the child, if your wife is unhappy (and she'd be deeply unhappy), and the twins are being asked to lie, which is a terrible thing to ask of them, and you continue to hate the child when she visits, what would the whole point have been? How would giving away the child save your marriage? Are you telling me that you'd be genuinely happy having made your wife give up her child? And do you believe that she would ever get to the stage of being genuinely happy, and in love with you again, after you made her do that?
28 359 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: Should my daughter visit her mom in jail? I3700 09/19/21 01:32 AM
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by I3700
What about seeing other inmates and them in jumpsuits? Not to mention she will likely ask her mom what’s it’s like in jail. Don’t know if a 15 year old should know what it’s like to be in a cell and take a shower with other inmates
How will seeing other inmates in jumpsuits be a bad thing?

What is wrong with her asking her other what it's like to be in jail? And why shouldn't a 15 year-old know what it's like to be in a cell? She would learn that it isn't fun, and that being deprived of liberty is something to be avoided. She would learn that committing crimes against society is terrible, and that there is punishment which is severe.

It's not as if she would see the showers or the cells. She would visit her mother in a visiting area.

I'm really not sure what you're getting at here.
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by I3700
What about seeing other inmates and them in jumpsuits? Not to mention she will likely ask her mom what’s it’s like in jail. Don’t know if a 15 year old should know what it’s like to be in a cell and take a shower with other inmates
How will seeing other inmates in jumpsuits be a bad thing?

What is wrong with her asking her other what it's like to be in jail? And why shouldn't a 15 year-old know what it's like to be in a cell? She would learn that it isn't fun, and that being deprived of liberty is something to be avoided. She would learn that committing crimes against society is terrible, and that there is punishment which is severe.

It's not as if she would see the showers or the cells. She would visit her mother in a visiting area.

I'm really not sure what you're getting at here.
Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by I3700
What about seeing other inmates and them in jumpsuits? Not to mention she will likely ask her mom what’s it’s like in jail. Don’t know if a 15 year old should know what it’s like to be in a cell and take a shower with other inmates
How will seeing other inmates in jumpsuits be a bad thing?

What is wrong with her asking her other what it's like to be in jail? And why shouldn't a 15 year-old know what it's like to be in a cell? She would learn that it isn't fun, and that being deprived of liberty is something to be avoided. She would learn that committing crimes against society is terrible, and that there is punishment which is severe.

It's not as if she would see the showers or the cells. She would visit her mother in a visiting area.

I'm really not sure what you're getting at here.



Just wonder if the environment and the details are app for for a young girl to see. Also wouldn’t she already know all the basic stuff from tv and school anyway?
7 215 Read More
Other Topics Jump to new posts
Famous Quotes tomabell52 09/17/21 10:09 PM
My favourite quotes (frasi amicizia belle) is:
What men have called friendship is nothing more than a social relationship, a care for mutual interests and an exchange of services: in short, a relationship in which self-love always aims for some usefulness.
(La Rochefoucauld)
0 26 Read More
Pregnancy/Child Jump to new posts
I hate my wife's OC from OM Bogan 09/17/21 12:44 AM
First time here and I'm on mobile so forgive a few of my grammer mistakes.

Long story short my wife had an affair at her sister's bachelorette party and got pregnant with OM's child. Found out a year ago when she gave birth to a child that's clearly not mine (I'm black, she's white) since OC was fully Caucasian with blonde hair. Of course I got mad, told my family who shunned her, and told her family who did similar. Right now the OC is 1 year old but I can't STAND having them in the house. We already moved to another area to avoid the fallout but she simply keeps begging me to not divorce her. We have twins (5 years old) together and she's insist on raising the OC. My ultimatum to her was to give the child up for an open adoption (where she sees the kid sometimes), one of her relatives (grandparents), or give full custody to the OM (she outed him and he's willing). I keep telling my wife I will not raise OC and she's accepted that she will have to do everything (financially and care wise) for OC but I feel like its driving a wedge between her and me and the twins. I understand that Dr. Farley's advice is to raise OC's but really why should I?! How do I explain away a stepchild that looks NOTHING like me and is younger than the twins I had with my wife? Please help smh, it seems like every alternative will end up making her resent me.
0 52 Read More
Surviving an Affair Jump to new posts
Re: Need Help to know if My is attracted to my friend living_well 09/14/21 08:02 PM
Originally Posted by Mnyk
@Sugarcane, Yes i know the advise for ending an affair, but she is not yet ready to admit it, that this is inappropriate relationship. and she is not talking to me since last 4-5 days.

She is never going to admit this. That is why the spyware is so important. You need to find out what is going on. Don't bring up the subject with her, she will just go underground. Be Sherlock Holmes.
7 300 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: What is wrong with me? living_well 09/14/21 07:58 PM
Originally Posted by smilingwife
Honestly he gives me plenty of admiration. He tells me how proud he is of me doing in school. We go on mission trips together. He is retired and does projects on the farm.

That is the problem. Covid is too high right now. We cannot do things with other people. Plus I cannot expose myself since I am taking care of my parent.

We went walking for an hour and a half together yesterday, will do so Wednesday and Friday. Normally we would go somewhere for a day trip, we tend to do that every week. But my time is getting eaten up more and more by caring for my terminally ill relative. Just devastating.

Emotional needs are very important, they make us who we are. You fell in love with your spouse because he did a great job of meeting your needs and vice versa. It sounds as if the two of you have drifted over the years into a situation where others have been meeting those needs. Don't feel bad about that, it is easy to slip into that situation especially if you are both working hard but it is dangerous because that is how people have affairs.

Can you look at the Covid interregnum as an opportunity rather than as a sadness? Maybe reflect on what in your relationship with one another needs work. Be honest with him, tell him about your sadness. Tell him you need those hugs from him. Ask him what you can do better. Talk to him about how you feel about your dying relative. Let him help!
10 267 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: POJA Help Wanted SugarCane 09/13/21 03:56 PM
Improve,

I notice that you have been posting here for a long time, but that you tend not to keep your thread active. You get some advice, and you might not reply for a couple of years, by which time there is a new problem and the general situation is even worse. Also, you've been trying to get your husband on board with working on a much better marriage, but he does not seem to have given you much response. Is it possible that the marriage is quite satisfying for him, and that he is not too bothered by the many things have made you miserable?

I don't think you should go on trying to carry your extremely heavy husband. Dr Harley does not believe a wife should be doing this. I urge you to contact Joyce Harley so she can put you in direct contact with Dr Harley. They could discuss your last post with you in complete privacy.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the broadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

Joyce can also be reached in the mornings on 651-429-6729.


Please call or write to Joyce today. I can't tell you how much your post has disturbed me.
15 623 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: emotional need question SugarCane 09/12/21 07:13 PM
Originally Posted by Sad in the South
My wife and I are both professionals in the south. I make in the low to mid 6 figure range. My wife homeschools our kids. She stopped working 8 years ago to homeschool. The problem is financial infidelity. We were doing ok with maxing out our retirement accounts and we had about 100K in the bank and paying off our school loans and the house- we have 7 years left on this. I got a raise and didn't tell my wife in 2017 and wanted to invest in Tesla. I got a $100K loan and invested $70,000 in Tesla - I also had a screenplay that I worked on and I got a lot of help from a lawyer to work on the screenplay. I sold all the Tesla stock to work on the screenplay project. I got more raises without mentioning this and got a $100,000 loan a year ago- this was to turn the screenplay into a graphic novel and then sell the graphic novel to great acclaim. - My wife found out about the loans and I told her what was going on. She is very hurt. I was wrong in not telling my wife about wanting to do the graphic novel. I would still like to get the graphic novel done. My wife would like to take the money to pay off her school loans which I recommended we do. What do you think?
Suppose you tell this story all over again, putting in the shocking details that you minimised or left out?

How much money have you borrowed and spent over the years, including using your retirement accounts, without telling your wife?

And what's all this about lying to her about the business? Promising her one thing and then going to your business partners immediately to reverse the promise?
2 101 Read More
Marriage Builders 101 Jump to new posts
Re: Feels like a pointless marital treadmill... BrainHurts 09/08/21 04:57 AM
Has Steve gave her any advice on how to stop her angry outbursts?

Has she read anything on angry outbursts?
3 147 Read More
Surviving an Affair Jump to new posts
Re: My wife has been cheating for 5 months living_well 09/02/21 09:44 PM
Originally Posted by Johnmark
I am a good husband, perhaps to good. Sorry to sound a little full of myself. Not only am I the bread winner and work to most out of the two of us I also do all the chores. Dishes, dinner, laundry, house cleaning, making the bed, repairs, cut the grass take out the garbage, make her lunch everyday, grocery shopping ect. My wife always gets the nothing but the best. I bought her a new car I drive the pickup with 300K miles on it. She gets the garage spot I get the street. I've always bent over backwards for my wife because that's what my own father does for my mother its how I was raised. I'm the listener of the bad days at work the one who draws her bath when she's down in the dumps.

Johnmark; we can see that you are struggling. It must be a difficult and confusing time for you. Read up on some of the stories here to get an answer to the above. Everyone has emotional needs of which generally three are the top romantic needs necessary to fall in love. Read this Emotional needs. Whilst it is of course lovely that you do the chores and so on, those are not going to make her fall back in love with you. If they did, everyone would fall in love with their cook or cleaner! Did you buy a new car for her or because you wanted to? People who enjoy giving sometimes do not stop and think about whether they are giving the things that really matter. For example; it sounds as if your wife has a need for admiration. That is often the reason why people 'affair down'. She may also have intimate conversation in her top three (women generally do) which scumbag is doing a good job of meeting by chatting and texting her.

Originally Posted by Johnmark
As for exposure everyone at the workplace already knows. Believe it or not alot of her work mates expressed disapproval leading to the guy quiting.

Good that her workmates disapprove and good that they chased him out but the workplace needs to hear from you, otherwise they will assume either that you do not know or that you do not care. Exposure needs to also be done to his family, her family and yours. You can break up the affair if the families support you so ask them to.

Originally Posted by Johnmark
I would think by now after 5 months she would've wised up but I'm still dealing with this situation. As far as I can tell they text on regular basis throughout the day and night. Phone calls are placed while I'm not around. They see eachother about twice during the week for a few hours and then from morning to night on Sunday or Saturday.

Wised up to what? She is enjoying the attention. You are not stopping her. You need to both tell her you are unhappy about what she is doing and find interesting things to do together. Those do not need to cost money but they do need to be the things SHE wants to do. For example, I enjoy repairing things. I love it when my husband helps, he is kind, gentle and more careful than I am. So we save money by replacing broken parts on the oven, dishwasher etc and he deposits love units at the same time - what is not to like!

Originally Posted by Johnmark
I By comparison I should be the better man. He has skipped out on his child support payments quite a few times. Works Part time with little money to show for it. Has an ex wife with whom he cheated on (when she found out she stabbed him, landed her on probation) he is dirty with around 3 full sets of clothes and he has poor hygiene with most of his teeth falling out due to not brushing. I could understand if he made 6 figures and looked like a underware model for Calvin klien. But he's ugly.

When I caught my ex-husband cheating (number 6), it was remarkable to me that they had all been fat and ugly. But I should not have been surprised; desperate women have admiration overload.

Originally Posted by Johnmark
I I don't get it I guess. I'm sure he's been to our home and seen the wonderful things we have including her new car our show car in the garage and the fact that my inlaws very wealthy. It's a peice of life he probably wants.

Ahha, she has rich parents. You definitely need them on your side. He needs a firm message that he will never be accepted into their family.

Originally Posted by Johnmark
I I will do my best to get this proof and re expose it. I've looked into a marriage counselor 3 months ago but no body will see me or us as a couple until the affair is over. They said if they do it while the affair is still going on it gives the impression of taking sides.

A year ago my marriage was solid (as far as I know) never in a million years would I predicted this to happen and it's beyond painful, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Your wife may be suffering from low self esteem/depression as a result of the failed IVF. Very difficult for a woman to struggle with infertility. Be there for her.
6 536 Read More
Surviving an Affair Jump to new posts
Re: Hubby on social media BrainHurts 08/27/21 09:51 PM
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Welcome to MB.

Have you saved what you saw? Has he met with anyone yet? Can you get spyware put on without him knowing?

Do not tell him you have access and are watching.

In addition to these questions.

How long have you been married? Are there any children?
2 175 Read More
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 56 guests, and 133 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
tabitha99, Dyingsoul33, Fallingstar, ringleader, tomabell52
71,542 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,478
Posts2,321,859
Members71,543
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5