Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 44 1 2 3 4 5 43 44
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Neak -

I realized last night that the A was sleazy, but YIKES!!!!!!!!!!

Please don't contact that person anymore.

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
May 3 found me reviewing Bible promises and praying for the patience to wait just a few more days, until it was time to act. I decided that Friday the 6th would be the last day of grace for my poor WH. With the help of worthatry and others, my PBL was ready. I only needed to give the house a good cleaning and make sure all his clothes were clean and folded, so they would be easier for him to pack.

I wondered how long he would be gone. Would he stay in a motel? Probably not. Surely he would go straight to her, and rejoice in his freedom...at least for a little while. I really thought he would ultimately come back, but how many months would it take?

Selfishly a tiny part of me hoped this would be over by July 1, our anniversary. Surely he would not still be spending all his time with his skankylosaur by that nine-year milestone. Would he?

These kind of questions were with me every moment, but I did not doubt the necessity of Plan B. I just could not allow myself to be treated that way any longer, and was ticking off the seconds until it would end.

I had lots of ideas what my Plan B would be like, too. I would have a rest, free of my obligations to my pesky WH. There would be lots of time for my children, and I would be able to start studying up on recovery. After all, I might eventually need it.

At 6:30 on May 4, I was still mulling the details of how to handle the whole thing. How should I deliver the letter? Which day would I pick for sure? Maybe Thursday would be better. What to do with the children? Should I make him leave and then give him the letter right afterwards? What to do?

With no warning, I came on here at 8:53 pm, right after intercepting another vile TM that was just simply the last straw. It was either accelerate my Plan B or wait for him just inside the door, holding a baseball bat. I was flat out of nice.

Neaksis and I cleaned like crazy. She bolstered me when my energy started to waver. I was terrified he would call her to come and help him pack. YUCK! At about 10:30 he called to chat for a few minutes, letting me know he would be home a little later after he took care of a few business matters. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Right about 11, Neaksis and I loaded the kids and Grandpa into the van. I took a last look around the house. The porch light was on, and a single light in the living room. All looked so tranquil, so clean. In the center of the floor, I took the letter and gently propped it on the coffee table. He would see it the moment he walked in.

Numb and tearless, I walked out and quietly shut the door.

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Yes, ma'am Believer. I am not going to contact her again except to tell her I am not going to contact her again. I still want to totally blast her out of the water and let her have it with all barrels blazing, but you're right. I must not. I must not even blast her out of the water nicely.

She is beyond words, and the grandest statement I can make is to walk quietly away as if she's not worth it. I know she's not, but I have to keep telling myself that. Over and over.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
You know what is really sick? She knew he still slept with me, having mentioned in one of her first emails how hard it was for her, knowing that. GAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She said she really believed him when he said he was going to leave me. OK, SO WHY DID SHE STILL BELIEVE HIM THE SECOND DAY? AND THE THIRD????? Oh well, Orchid's psycho OW still sounds worse than her, but not by much. (I may have mentioned before that she tried to get AJ to talk to me about threesomes.)

Sorry to leave at such a bad moment, walking out on the PBL and all, but that will probably be my last long post of the day. AJ is on his way home now, and usually arrives verra verra hungrrry. Don't shoot me though; you all know how it ends! I'll just sneak back on here for a moment every now and again, when I'm not performing my wifely duties. Of the housework variety.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 846
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 846
Boy Neak, this is a real page turner. You just can't make this stuff up! I'm in another time zone and have to head off to bed now. I'll check in on Plan B in the morning. MB sure does offer a distraction while WS's are out doing their thing! Thanks again for posting. It really helps.

Also, hello Julieco. Pull up a chair. Neak & Co. will keep you entertained for hours. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
Quote
(I may have mentioned before that she tried to get AJ to talk to me about threesomes.)

And then again, you may NOT have mentioned... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Holy cow, Neak! The mind boggles. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Great. Now I'm not only blind but my mental gears have been stripped, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> For Christmas, I WAS sewing AJ a shirt. However, since all he needs to be wearing for the next century is sackcloth and ashes, I'm reconsidering the project! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 846
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 846
Quote
Quote
(I may have mentioned before that she tried to get AJ to talk to me about threesomes.)
And then again, you may NOT have mentioned... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Holy cow, Neak! The mind boggles. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Great. Now I'm not only blind but my mental gears have been stripped, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> For Christmas, I WAS sewing AJ a shirt. However, since all he needs to be wearing for the next century is sackcloth and ashes, I'm reconsidering the project! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

T&L,
Are you still breathing? Those are some graphic images! : <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Call me stupid but can you explain the sackcloth and ashes reference?


Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
TO WEAR SACKCLOTH AND ASHES - "To be contrite, penitent or chagrined over something one has done. It was an ancient Hebrew custom to wear sackcloth dusted with or accompanied by ashes as a sign of humbleness in religious ceremonies."

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 846
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 846
Thanks Beleiver. I never heard that before. That would be most fitting for a FWS wouldn't it?


Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
Quote
[T&L,
Are you still breathing? Those are some graphic images! : <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WHE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-EGH?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Nope, not breathing. I'm trying but nothing comes in. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

And how pathetic is that, anyway, offering to share your boyfriend with his wife?!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> And no offense to AJ, particularly. This is merely an observation., but we're not talking Tom Selleck, here! Or Rock Hudson, or Tom Selleck, or Tom Selleck, or Tom Selleck (this would be in his Magnum, P.I. days, you understand, not the more recent Dwight B. Eisenhower incarnation!) I'm not trying to justify the idea for anybody, but I can perceive that there are men in this world of sufficient physical charm that some women might be tempted to fight over them...or do dumb, even sleazy (if necessary) things to try and keep them. But for ol' Gargamel to suggest a menage a' trois with AJ's wife, for AJ? Or for that matter, any other male I know personally. The mind boggles all over again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Neaksis says writers should not be allowed to experience tragedies, since they seem to have a compulsion to - what else? - write about them. This is much better than therapy for me anyway, and I am so glad for those of you that are finding it helpful also. AJ was pleased last night when I told him about it, but I doubt he will want to read this. As is typical, he is dealing with it best by wading in deep right at the beginning, getting it all out in the open, and then putting it behind him as fast as possible, taking only the lessons learned. As is also typical, I have not been able to do that, and I am finding out that bringing this whole thing into the open is causing many things to dminish in their sting.

Let's see...I was just walking out the door. We had to get gas, so we drove up to the gas station not far from Gargamel's house, before dropping Neaksis & her gang off at Mom's for the night. As long as we were there anyway, we drove past to see if AJ's car was there, but it wasn't.

After I dropped off Neaksis & Co., including Grandpa, I began driving around trying to figure out where I should stay. I didn't want him able to track me down and come demanding the children while he was still so angry. As long as I wasn't sleepy anyway, I also drove past the infamous hotel where he switched us out every other day. (Just a side note, he still says he did not have sex with her at any time that week. Perhaps even as a WS it was too much for him to take both of his women in the same bed? Oh, gross. Another side note: I did not put it past him at the time, once I was able to bring myself to realize he had begun lying to me, which happened during the week after the hotel episode. I just assumed he was really that disgusting.)

Anyway, his car was not there and I didn't yet know what her car looked like, so I had no idea if they had gone there or not. After wandering around a while longer, I finally came back to a little town about 20 minutes from home. I checked in about 4:30 am and carried the sleeping munchkins in. I wish there had been something else to do with them, but couldn't think of anywhere he wouldn't know to look, and figured they were best off with someone who had legal custody, just in case the police became involved.

Those of you who know the Dervish will not be surprised that I slept on the floor, blocking the doorway. Before I nodded off, I left a message for Mom, letting her know we were safe, but not telling her just where.

Three hours is not a long time to sleep. I got a few more minutes of dozing by telling the children I had gotten donuts for breakfast, and they could have as many as they wanted. (Sometimes they still talk fondly about the Day of the Donut. They think the whole experience was just a huge treat.)

I called Mom, and got my first inkling that my ideas of how this would all go, were somewhat less than correct. She said she hadn't talked to AJ yet, but he had left her a number of messages on her cell (it was busy that night, and she hadn't gotten any of our messages till morning), and he was weeping and begging her to help him.

Then the TM's started to show up on my phone. The tone of them was "I'm so sorry, I'll do anything, just come back." I didn't respond, just stayed dark. That's not what was supposed to happen, and I had no clue what to do next.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
I can understand someone wanting to have a threesome with me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Woops, there goes my ego again.

When I think of threesomes, I try to picture what it would be like, after doing something like that, to try and get up in front of church and sing or talk just like always. The mind boggles. "Good morning, brothers and sisters. I would like to invite you to turn with me in your hymnals to number....."


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
Neak, your sister has my MB password in her possession, in case you want to go and revise my post. I don't care. I really wasn't trying to be insulting. I just can't imagine it. I wouldn't expect anybody to do it to keep ME, either. Or anybody. It just seems such a demeaning thing to do, or even contemplate. I wouldn't have done it for MS when he was at his physical peak of attractiveness (Mr. Everest, we called him--as in "Mount" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />). Of course, I don't understand why Biomom once offered your brother a BJ if he'd fix her dresser, either. Obviously, not everyone's perspective about sex is the same, is it?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
Quote
When I think of threesomes, I try to picture what it would be like, after doing something like that, to try and get up in front of church and sing or talk just like always."

Betcha it'd be hard to sing in a trio, or discuss the Trinity, either. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> There seems to be a whole lot of mind bogglin' goin' on! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
Quote
I can understand someone wanting to have a threesome with me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Woops, there goes my ego again."

Hate to crush all that burgeoning self-esteem, darling, but I don't think getting a chance with you was the motivation behind her offer! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Not everyone can be Tom Selleck. I don't think AJ would be horribly offended by your surprise that someone, anyone, you know would be the object of such lust. For lack of a better word. He was probably surprised, himself.

Isn't it a good thing he didn't ask me?


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Meanwhile.........

AJ arrived home much earlier than expected. In fact, he would have been pulling up to the gate just about the time we reached the gas station, at 11:20 pm. As he walked up the steps, nothing seemed out-of-place or abnormal. He opened the door, immediately focusing in on the letter.

Time has drawn a merciful curtain over much of what happened next.

Sobbing, he searched frantically through the house for the children and me, but all the rooms were quiet and empty. He ran to the other side of the house, calling for Grandpa, counting on the great man of faith to give him some guidance as his world dropped away.

He called my cell phone again and again, pleading with me to come back. (My phone was off so he couldn't call up and yell at me.) He tried Mom over and over. No one would answer anywhere, and he was all alone.

More than once during the night he put the muzzle of his pistol in his mouth, tears running down his face, wanting only an end to the dazzling pain.

He began to pray, asking God for forgiveness for the harm he had done to his family, and asking for help to put things right. The rest of the night, he alternated between praying and calling trying to find me, crying all the while. He didn't sleep, determined to stay awake until I came home.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 243
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 243
Hi there, I have seen your name around but never heard your full story. (the feminine hygene post is incredibly long <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> did'nt have a few days to read it all) I am amazed at how you have managed thru all this. How long have you been in recovery? BTW this is a fascinating read, would be a bit humorous if it wasn't so true. Can't wait to hear more.

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Hi, losttiger. Mom's thread only has bits and pieces of my story anyway, and mostly from recovery. (Going on 6 months now.)

If you find it funny, don't be afraid to laugh. Everything can be funny if you look from the right angle.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
In the morning, he was able to get in touch with one of his best friends, in fact, it was the VP who was planning to come and confront him anyway about the filthy TM's on the corporate phone web page. (Boy was AJ surprised when he found out about that handy little feature.)

The VP told him very bluntly, "She clearly wants to be married to you - look at the letter. But you have to stop what you're doing if you want to keep her."

Mom got the messages when she got off work, and sent an email when she got home letting him know the children were fine, and would be available for a visit later in the day. That was probably not what he wanted to hear, since he knew already that if they were with me, they were fine, but he had to settle for that anyway.

I checked out of the motel and went over to Mom's house, dying for internet access so I could plug back into MB again. I posted the happy news, and could just feel the warm fuzzies spreading over the globe. It was so nice to be able to show up with good news for a change.

We saw to it that AJ got an email telling him that the kids would go to their afternoon class as scheduled, but would be available for pickup at Neaksis' house after 3. I made good use of my internet access, first sending Gargamel a copy of the PBL so she would know she had a fight on her hands, then checking my email, where I found out that there wasn't going to be much of a fight. (Well, I thought at the time.)

My box was crammed with emails. Repentant, beautiful emails, saying how sorry he was for hurting me, how he knew he needed God, and needed my help to find his way back, and that he could see I was right about needing to end contact with Garg. There was even a copy of the NC letter he had gotten too impatient to wait for me to help him with, and had just gone ahead and sent it to both of us.

Just to round this out with a behind-the-scenes look, here is a direct quote from Gargamel describing the incident from her POV.

Quote
I am going to due my very best to fight the depression that I am feeling, but loosing your best friend and lover all at once is very difficult. You see, when I needed a friend Jack was there for me, with words of encouragement and advise. I no longer have that. After my job interview, I sent Jack a text message telling him I was done and asking if he was up yet. The only response I got was "check your e-mail"

As I'm sure you have figured out, I was devastated to read that e-mail. Even though Jack made it very clear he wanted no contact with me, I wanted to be there to comfort him, you leaving with the children crushed him. But I respected his wishes and have not spoke to him since then except through the e-mails which you also read.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Once again, there are no words.

This brings us to a flaw in his NC letter, a flaw that would certainly not have existed had I been there to offer my guidance. He told her not to contact him in any way, except by email, which we both would read. From talking to him, and in the context of the NCL, it was clear that what he meant was the tiny bit of necessary communication to end her employment and return company property.

Naturally she chose to interpret it as free communication via email, and after only a day or two it became necessary to clarify that with her.

But I digress. I was still shocked to the point of immobility. I got what I wanted, but now what would I do with it? So much for a couple of months to study up on recovery! I got some good pointers that covered our first discussion, but had a lot of fast work to do over the next few days.

I took the kids to class, and finally called home while I was waiting. I agreed that later that afternoon I would talk to him, but didn't say whether it would be by phone or in person. He sounded awful, as he was still awake just like he said he would be.

It reminds me of the Bible story about Paul, where some of the Jews swore they wouldn't eat or drink till they had killed him. Someone warned him, and he escaped over the city wall in a basket. I always wondered at what point those men decided they might as well eat and drink again, or if some of the more stubborn ones dehydrated to death.

AJ should be really glad I'm not mean.

I had the kids to Neaksis by about 2:30, but didn't talk and type quickly enough, since he was over-eager and came early. I stayed in the back room and Neaksis shuffled the kids out the door.

It turns out that even though my car wasn't there, he knew somehow I was inside, wanting so badly to look for me, but didn't want to push me.

I stayed for a while, just trying to gather myself together, and some time after 4 finally went home.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Page 3 of 44 1 2 3 4 5 43 44

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 787 guests, and 58 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Bibbyryan860, Ian T, SadNewYorker, Jay Handlooms, GrenHeil
71,838 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5