I'll copy this over to Mom's thread, too.

My first stop this morning was the OB/GYN's office. In some ways it was hard to be surrounded by hordes of pregnant women, but I tried not to look too much. We didn't have to wait a terribly long time, because they were almost ready to close up for lunch.

I will have to take a picture of the Dervish with his hat. AJ got it for him the other day, and he has not taken it off even to sleep. It is like a multicolored jester hat, but made out of felt. He loves it, but those three prongs coming out the back are one of the most ridiculous things I have seen. So in each place I mention his name, picture this little kid with three brightly colored horns sticking up at least eight inches out of his head.

Dr. B needed to do a bimanual exam, and sent the kids out into the hallway while she poked and prodded me. While I was half nekkid and spread out, the Dervish opened the door from the hallway. "Hi Mama! I want to see!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

The Dr. thought it was either an infection starting up, or that I had maybe retained something after the delivery. She prescribed antibiotics for over the weekend, and set up a sonogram at the hospital only a 1/2 hour from then.

The sonogram lady was clever enough to put me into a gown. We had the only printer for the whole radiology department, apparently, because there she was trying to concentrate on the procedure while the Dervish scampered around waving OTHER PEOPLE'S pictures! "Look at dis one! And dis one!"

The worst was during the vaginal ultrasound. We chased the kids to the other side of the curtain, under protest. The first clue we had that any of them were back was when a little Dervish voice said, "Look, Mama, I see da blood on yer butt!!!" Ack! Go away, little kid! Didn't your mama teach you any manners?!?

While waiting in line at Wal Mart to drop off my prescription, he started chatting with the girl behind us, Heather. He showed her my hospital bracelet. "Look, my mama hafta see da docker..."

You may believe I changed that subject as quickly as I could.

So we'll see by how I am on Monday if I have to have the D&C or not. I'm hoping not, though a little nap sounds kinda nice after my adventure.

St. Louis was really nice. I can see why Dr. Harley and others recommend starting recovery with a nice vacation if possible. It was the first time since the A started that I moved out from under the great dark cloud for a little.

It was a real honeymoon experience, with lots of happy, lovey things, and very little to remind us of the other stuff. On our anniversary we drove up to Chicago, stopping by Lincoln's home in Brookfield, IL. We prayed, we talked, we spent lots of quality time together. While I signed books, or more accurately, sat there looking cute and eager while other authors signed books, he went and pigged out on veggie burgers and veggie corn dogs, chatting with all the vendors in his spare time. We walked around the city, napped in the park, admired the arch, sweltered in the muggy heat, and had a wonderful time.

As all things must, it came to an end, and we had to return and face real life.

AJ is almost home, so I'm going to go spend some quality time. Hope all of you have a great weekend.

From the feminine hygiene products list...


Neak says to say she's OK and will try to be online later...if she's allowed out of bed! Which, being interpreted, is: she's pasty white, subject to dizzy spells, and having what feel to her like heart palpitations even though she can't feel her carotid pulse speed up. In other words, she's just fine! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

I don't know if I'll be allowed up to delve too much into the past, but just had to share my big moment from church today. I am such an idiot! Truly, I don't do things like this all the time, but when I do them, I do them well.

It was the first week the new pastor came, not even to preach, but just to meet everybody. I had heard really good things about him from Neaksis, who had heard good things about him from the other members of the board, and lots of other people.

His wife is a beautiful woman. Her first husband was Muslim, and she even went with him to Saudi Arabia (I think Mom said that's where it was). She has written a book about her experiences, I believe the title is "Out From Behind the Veil", and I'm pretty sure her name is Esmie Brannan. Or close to it. Hey, I was rattled by the time I got done, ok?

We chatted a bit, Esmie and I, but they had a previous appointment that afternoon and had to leave, so she excused herself. I shook her hand firmly, saying, "It's SO nice to meet you. I've heard nothing but good things about you..........so far."

Sadly, the floor did not open to swallow me, and I was left stammering something about, "Heh heh, not that that implies that I expect to hear something bad about you later!"

Then I walked away with as much dignity as I could muster. It wasn't much.

After we got home from St. Louis, it took me a couple of days to get the NC Box ready. Not that there was so much stuff, but anyone with a Dervish has to work in fits and starts.

The NC letter was very simple. It didn't have more than 3 or 4 sentences, and was pretty textbook: don't contact me ever again, and I will not contact you.

Then there was a letter on corporate stationery, letting her know her services would no longer be needed, as of whatever date, less than a week from then. (It was kind of funny, but while I was getting this together, she emailed me to complain about having to work in Vacaville. It was a very long drive, but also the only place left that she was both qualified for, and would have her back. I very sweetly told her that she wouldn't be there longer than just a few more days. And you know, she wasn't!) The letter also tried to deal with money issues, at least what I knew about right then.

And, as I think I mentioned before, I returned those items she had given him, except for the bodywash, and we all know what happened to it!

I had trouble making it to the post office, delaying the delivery another day, and when I missed mail pickup the next day too, I just had Neaksis take it up and drop it off in person that afternoon when she was picking up her kids from school (their school is just a couple miles down the road from the A house, so it was hardly even out of her way).

She must have gotten The Box right away, because a few hours later I had an email smoldering and steaming in my inbox, aptly entitled, "The Box".


Even a man would be able to detect the bitter tone of this. And you know, one of the most beautiful things was that 2 or 3 days later, the place in Vacaville also refused to have her back, and never explained why. (I, for one, would like to have known.) So she was out of a job and applying for unemployment even sooner than I had hoped.

What happened next was not unexpected. Since she was convinced I wrote the letters, and actually I did, (AJ is not known for spelling & grammar, though he has been learning quickly), she assumed incorrectly that AJ did not approve of them. She had no way of knowing that he had dictated them to me, and that I had read them back to him (over the phone, as he was gone right then), and he thought every bit of it was good.

So........she began trying frantically to contact him. You would think that getting her super-secret Evil Phone back with the other stuff would be enough to convince her, but no. She left a dire message on his cell phone, which I had taken over for myself, and bombarded his other business email with short, increasingly agitated letters from her male alter ego, Ross Kirkland. One of the last ones was entitled "Lawyers, Guns, and Money", and contained not-so-veiled references to lawsuits, signed Sincerely, Ross. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

'Ross' must have begun to realize by that time that AJ meant business, when all her attempts were met with a deafening silence.

Which reminds me; Believer, I promise promise promise to be good and stick to the point in my NC letter (as soon as she gets the letter from the attorney), but could I at least make it attention to 'Ross'? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

And what I would not know for some time is that two days after the delivery of The Box, I became pregnant with Dillon.

Compared to the A, recovery has been mostly a blur. The A was an unending series of distinct wounds seared into me, and R has been more like lapsing in and out of consciousness. Not as painful, but still a struggle.

I read the other day, I think in Jean's thread, about waiting for the other shoe to drop, and that sums it up best for me. Especially since he betrayed me again after his tears and promises, I had little faith - almost none - that it wouldn't just happen again.

So even though I have still been very loving, and putting in my share of effort, a large part of me stayed aloof and separate, just waiting for him to go back to her. It has only been in the last month that I have started to relax a teeny bit, and think that maybe he is really done with her.

When we return, we will find out what went on during the last month of contact, and how Gargamel tried to secure AJ for herself. Well, she was anyway, obviously, but even more during that time.

But for now, duty calls. I'm going to clean for a bit, then the kids are going to the annual ornament exchange party at Neaksis' house. They are still dressed in summer clothes, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />, and need to change into something more appropriate for November.

I didn't know you had another forum going on here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> until your mom mentioned it to me. I'm posting so I can add it to my favorites to get here easier! And also, I just glanced over the last few pages really quick, and I just want to thank you for being so brave and sticking with it. Sometimes it puts me to the quick, but then I realize that I am a different person, and Flard still doesn't want to work it out with me--he never had a huge cry session, apologizing, asking to change, to work on our M, just a blank gulf between us that grew further and further until I told him these games had to stop, and that I was moving to Washington, and when he "figured it out" he should contact me then <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. The more time elapses, the more I see how screwed up it was! Anyway, I am just so proud of you. I am proud that you have written two books now, that you have three beautiful children, that you have such a deep love that drives you ever onward. I have to say, out of all the people I know, I admire you the most because you are winning. You may be lost at times in pain, but you are still winning. Your red cape is still on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ps awaiting pictures of Dervish and his jester hat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Neak - I'm always reading, but sometimes not commenting.

I love you, Gell. And I love Flard. And I'm so sorry. As I type this, I'm listening to the song He Loved Me with a Cross, and with tears streaming down my face I want to tell you...it's not over yet. Jesus isn't done, and when He is, everything will be put right again forever. Keep close to Him, Keep on being the brave, beautiful girl you are. And pray for our lost Flard, as we pray for you both.

t&l

I sent this to AJ the day he decided to "abandon" Gargy and return to his marriage...

I'd like the chance to sit down and talk with you sometime, but take a deep breath and relax. This isn't it!! I just want to take a couple of minutes before I go to sleep to encourage you as sincerely and as strongly as I can to take, very seriously indeed, this chance to rebuild your marriage. Your wife loves you a lot, but she is also at a place in her head and in her life where she is not only ready to move on without you if she has to, but she knows that she's capable of it, as well. Very few women would've done what she's done for you over the past 6 months. She has shown true Christianity in action in a way I don't really ever remember seeing done before. (Not that it's never happened, but it's at least never happened where I was watching.) In that whole time, I never, EVER heard her say an angry unkind word about you, not even after the time you called her (in a rage) "the lowest (copulating) piece of (bowel excretions) on the planet." She has upheld you in front of your children, who still think their daddy's just as wonderful in June as they did in January before all the feces hit her rotating blades. Not just because she's my daughter, but because she's a kind and wonderful human being, I am so desperately hoping that you mean it this time when you say you won't hurt her again; that you will put a proper value on who and what she is; and that you will also cherish this opportunity to salvage your home and family, and your wife.

You are an extremely fortunate man. I hope you know that, and remember it always. It would be too bad if the only way you could discover it was if it were gone. I will be praying for you both, and although I'm not going to force myself or my advice on you, you can know that I am not only willing, but even anxious, to help you out if you will let me.

God bless you, my dear.

Love,

s

Thank you for your kind words. I'd love to hear "I'm so sorry" from Flard instead of you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> but seeing as he rarely says sorry, and when he does, he says, "I'm sorry YOU FEEL THAT WAY" instead of owning up to his own mistakes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. He called tonight, penitent, but never saying sorry. When he asked, "Are you still mad at me?" I said, "Yes" and he laughed, but he was at least polite which was a change from last week. The little punk. He can make me so angry sometimes. He wanted to talk about the papers--supposedly he's doing it tomorrow! And I'll be relieved. I know you probably don't want to hear that, but I will be. By the time the papers go through, it will be almost 2 years since we split. But we will still pass our 5 year mark still married. But I will be moving into my beautiful new house in Olympia, getting ready to work for a Senator <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> so I'll keep my chin up jolly fine, I hope. Flard is a sweet boy. Just utterly not with it in the relationship department. You know, I would have thought he would have learned SOMETHING in the past two years on his own, but nope. I don't think he has, besides that he's an antagonistic atheist. I hate dealing with him anymore--he's just so difficult now. I guess I better go. Talking about him is depressing! All the stories on this forum are depressing, but in stark contrast to the stories are the people, who are quite amazing and resiliant. Lemonman's story just shocks me every time I think about it, and Neak's recovery story makes me want to cry, and especially getting to see inside her brain as she fights to stay afloat, and all the Dervish's escapades, and of course the hilarious dry humor of Neaksis where she interjects with a one-liner now and then, and the verbose "lessons learned in life" by you, which I have tried to turn into my own 12-step program to live a happy life where I accept all those stomach punches. Drat it, I wish my paper could write itself. I'm too highly distracted tonight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Love you guys. A big hug to everyone on this forum.

I don't blame you for feeling relieved. Who wouldn't, after all that time? Lemonman's a great surgeon, but if it took him 2 years to complete a surgery (without anesthesia, no less), his patient would be glad that have that over, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I accept what is now because I have no choice, but if I've learned anything in my long, verbose life it's this: The only constant is change. Even if you have to wait for it because nothing's changing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm glad you're relieved it's almost over. I'm not such a rabid blood-family partisan that I can't see how far Flard has his head up his never mind. If there are sides to be on, I'm on yours, but with actually being against him, mind you. He makes me want to bang my head against a wall. You are so sweet anyway!

In addition to getting ready for the appraisal, I now have a teacher's meeting tomorrow, since we missed last month's meeting, and the new one is actually during the same time the appraisal is scheduled, (thank you Neaksis), and the doctor actually does want to see me again today, even though I am getting better. I am probably not going to be around here much today.

So I will just say that, unlike the first part of the A, where they talked about me a lot, but found plenty of their own boring stuff to chat about, during the second part they seemed to have talked about almost nothing but me, lol. It's enough to swell my ego, it is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

As soon as the appraisal is over, or your surgery is finished, whichever comes first, you have my permission to continue your story. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Why, thank you. I believe I will.

No need to thank me. It was nothing. Really. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> But then, somehow I suspect you already know that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

One of the interesting things about recovery, is that I remember many things word for word, sometimes even dates, while the whole thing is a big, icky blur to AJ.

He remembers the big stuff. He knows he betrayed me, he knows he screwed around with someone who was not his wife, and he kinda remembers being a bit mean to me once in a while. Actually, I think he remembers more now than right afterward, but still it isn't that much.

If I ask a specific question, sometimes he can answer it right then, and sometimes he has to think for a day or two. There are a few things he hasn't even remembered after thinking about it, but small stuff that I don't stress about. For example, "On this date and time when you went this place and told me this, did you actually go alone like you said?" And because he has been honest about the big stuff, and done his best to answer questions about the little stuff, it makes it easier to trust him on the other little stuff.

And sometimes something will come up in a conversation that reminds him of a snippet he had forgotten about until that moment, which is what happened this morning.

For anyone who didn't already see over on Mom's thread, I saw Gargamel in town yesterday. I have not wanted to underestimate her and assume she doesn't know what my car looks like, though I really didn't think she had paid too much attention. After the little talk AJ & I had this morning, it is obvious that I was mistaken, so I am glad I have been trying to be more aware of the cars around me.

This morning I told AJ I had seen her.

***Note: this is another big difference between Failed Recovery #1 and So-Far-So-Good Recovery #2. The first time, I did everything I could to prevent him from knowing the times she tried to email him, or when she contacted me, though I expected him to tell me everything. I wanted to protect him from being tempted back. The second time, I received some good advice that I have never regretted taking, and I have told him every time there has been contact. He doesn't want to see for himself when she emails me, but just takes my word for it if she does something spiteful. It keeps things so much more open between us when I am not hiding anything from him for any reason, no matter how noble a reason it might be.***

So anyway, I told him. Usually he does not want to know any more than I tell him, but this time he asked where I saw her. (He was very nervously working up in that end of the county yesterday, thankful that he was with his boss and in his boss' truck. Another digression, but the wages of sin are hard to pay, especially when you have repented and the consequences still invade every aspect of your daily life, and the lives of your loved ones, as well. It's so much better to do the right thing in the first place!) I told him where, and not much other detail than that part of the time she was ahead of me, and part of the time I was ahead of her, and then she turned off.

I told him I didn't think she paid too much attention to my car, and that even if she did, that since I barely know what she looks like, that she probably wouldn't recognize me, either.

"She knows what you look like, though."

That made me just a little nervous. I asked how that could be, since I had only seen her twice. It has been almost a year since my one and only glimpse of her face, and at the motel she kept her head turned and I never got a good look. Even that was a long time ago, late March.

He had to think about it, but said that there were quite a few times where she told him that she had seen me in town, and where I had been. (If she was hoping to catch me meeting with another man, she was sadly mistaken.)

As he thought about it, it didn't take long for the implications to sink in, that she must have followed me around any number of times. (He would probably have realized it when she first told him - he's not stupid - but oh wait, he wasn't thinking of me at all then.) It gives me major shudders to think of her stalking me around town, skulking in the aisles, perhaps even standing next to me in line, memorizing all of my features, and all while I innocently went about my business, unaware. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

But still, we learn three very important lessons from all this. One I elaborated on above, that full honesty goes both ways.

Two, you might have picked up on from reading about honesty, that your WS genuinely may not remember some things about the A. At first, I flat-out believed AJ was lying to me when he said he didn't remember, and it took lots of time, and verifying everything I could, before I even mentally gave him the benefit of the doubt. It would have harmed our R greatly if I had just insisted I thought he was a liar, so I kept silent and just checked and checked and checked, without him knowing everything I was checking. As I saw a pattern of truthfulness emerging, it helped with the few things I wasn't able to tell for sure.

And three, don't underestimate the OP. Don't obsess about them either, like I'm trying really hard not to do after finding that out, but don't underestimate them. Don't think they are the nice people they seem to be, or think you can trust them. DEFINITELY don't have anything to do with them, unless there is an overwhelming reason (such as OC) to do so. Don't hate them, and God asks us to pray for our enemies, but recognize that it is deadly poison to allow them any place in your life here on earth.

And if you keep bumping into them until you can't take it any more, MOVE TO MONTANA!!!!!!

As long as I'm NOT OBSESSING about any OP at all in the world, I might as well tell you a few of the things I remember AJ said they talked about. I'll add in more later if I remember.

Disclaimer: Although AJ had a real eye-opener to her character, and began to see the myriad ways in which he was manipulated by Gargamel, he takes full responsibility for all his actions, and does not in any way blame her for what he did, or try to use her manipulations as an excuse for breaking NC, or anything of the sort. He is 100% accountable for him, and he knows it.

One thing she did is try to lure him ever deeper into deception. As soon as I found out about the first phone contact, she went and bought him an affair phone, which he had had for about a week before he gave it to me. She left it at her job site the day before he went in to replace her on her day off.

She tried to convince him to let her have someone call the company and order his protective services for a trip to Hawaii, and she would actually pay him so it would look legit, as if it were a real assignment and not a gigolo job. He told her I would never 'let' (ha!) him go on an assignment like that unless I came, too.

She tried to convince him to take another loan from her, this time for $30,000. Knowing if she did she would have him in her pocket forever. There's no telling for sure, but I think if I hadn't rained on the parade that day at the other job site, that he would have accepted pretty soon.

Every chance she got, she tried to undermine me on every level. She would do it indirectly, by trying to insinuate herself into his life and be indispensible. She tried to do it directly, by smearing my character. She told him that I probably had a bank account that he didn't know about, and had funneled company funds into it. She was VERY willing to check the books for him, and if there were any discrepancies, to find them for him. She told him I probably had something going on with a male friend of ours, with whom I had done several music albums.

The day AJ suggested to me that I put her in charge of the employee schedules, she had told him to ask me. (I pointed out to him how clever it was of her to try and put me in a win-win situation for her. If I said yes, she was that much more involved in the company, and that much closer to him. If I said no, which I did, I looked like a [female dog].)

She predicted that, since we weren't really in love, and only staying together for the sake of the children, that we wouldn't last even six months. AJ foolishly tried to convince her that he really was in love with me, (sneaking around, lying, and talking to his mistress was a funny way to show it, but hey, it's all part of the fog), that he loved being with me, and loved making love to me.

Apparently they had a bit of an argument over that last one, with her trying to tell him he didn't enjoy boinking his wife, and him trying to tell her that he did. He went waaaaay overboard, even describing in rather too much detail the different sexual activities and positions (hopefully not the sink <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />) that he and I enjoy. To which OF COURSE she responded, "Well, I'll do all that for you, too....."

It is so ludicrous when I try to picture them discussing all this. He was so deeply fogged that the irony of the whole thing never occurred to him. I think he would realize it now, if he could stand to think about it.

She was the one who tried to tell him I was probably sleeping around on him, too. Every seed of doubt she sowed found fertile soil in his twisted little WS brain. But by the end, when she started accusing me of stealing from him and embezzling from the company, the fog cleared enough to where he began to question that, at least in his own mind. I'm flattered. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> A lifetime of unimpeachable character and unquestioned honesty, and he manages to at least question whether I have suddenly turned into a criminal.

Once the second NC letter was sent, the only way she had left to directly try and break us up was through me. And she has tried, very hard. Several times she has almost succeeded.

AJ & I both thought separately, even before we shared, that part of her plan is to make me so sick of him, and of the A aftermath, that I will give him the boot. It has been very tempting more than once, but that is a story for another day. Maybe several days.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I'm putting my eyeballs on the spit, and giving the rotisserie handle a good spin! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

P.S. If she knows what you look like, what do you think the odds are that she recognized you checking her out yesterday? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />