She tried though.

I'm sure you'll be glad to know that when I saw him in the nude last week, that wasn't what I thought about. Any, or a lot! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

No dates on any of the letters, which sort of lends credence to the idea that they were written after-the-fact, not at the time, and composed just for The Box and its annoyance factor to you. If that's the case, she probably couldn't remember the date either. Rein in your free-floating anxiety, get an approximate date in your mind, and just watch.

t&l

P.S. Next time he starts whining about your "not getting over it" fast enough, ask him to do the following mental exercise: Reverse roles. You had the affair. You slept with another man repeatedly. You lied to him over and over about what you were doing. You called him the "lowest (copulating) piece of (fecal material) on the planet." You told him it was his fault you hated everyone in the world. You sent messages to your lover while he was in the room, talked about your plans with your lover when you thought AJ was asleep at your feet, etc. You made plans to abandon your children and leave with your lover. You said you were finished with him and would return to your family, and then went back to him again. You borrowed thousands and thousands of dollars from this man, and left your family hopelessly in debt. I could go on, but you'd be able to fill in the details better than I. It is now 6 WHOLE months since you finally ceased contact with this man. Is AJ "over" it yet, or is he still struggling?



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
Make a wild guess. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Any time we reverse roles, he is unable to get past the immediate bloodbath as he homicidally attacks everyone involved. The 'massacree' is kind of where it ends, for him. Beyond that he can't imagine.

I forgot you saw him nekkid. ROFL! At least all the important bits were tucked away out of sight.

Hi MoFo, I just now saw you posted between my other two posts. It never ceases to amaze me how the names and faces change, but the stories are all the same.

Based on my own experience, I would say your FWH is probably completely correct that he doesn't think of her unless you bring her up. AJ hardly ever thinks of her on his own. (Though I'd bet he was even edgier than I was during our Neaksis retrieval.) I have no idea how he does it, but it's like he shook her off and that was it.

Once in a while, when he is upset, he does say that it is still hard for him to look at himself in the mirror, and that he will have to live with what he did the rest of his life. For the most part though, all he thinks about is sex, me, sex, work, sex, church work, sex, and more sex. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> There seems to be a theme.

I think of her enough for both of us, too. I'm down to, oh, maybe 8-10 times and hour. But since that was reduced from about 70 times a minute, you do the math.

But progress is progress.

Well, I haven't! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


What Mama can't see, Mama can't amputate! Lucky, lucky AJ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

t&l

You are so right- only the names have changed.

He has to go to her town last week. I prayed the whole time he would not run into her. Normally, I go but couldn't last week. He didn't run into her.

On NYE he said he had never done anything to intentionally hurt me. I know it was not intentional, but man did it hurt!

And your math is similar to mine. I am so thankful I didn't have to deal with her like you did. I am not sure I would have been as sane and civil as you have been.

I wish I could turn off my brain like he does.

Here's to progress.

t&l you crack me up.

I never told my mama about this. I think if I did it would somehow be my fault.

It is the 3rd generation (that I know of) of women in my family that this has happened to. Hereditary?

Either my mama is a better guesser, or your family is better actors. Maybe some of each.

It's too much to be coincidence. Somehow, some way, those three generations of husbands were related.

How nice it is to know that I'm not alone in this. Not that I didn't know about all the shared experiences, but it's good also to know that there are others right now in almost exactly my place in recovery, and even a few who share important dates with me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Very helpful, especially as the Awful Anniversaries start almost immediately.

Coming up this month: January 4, the first day of work with Gargamel. January 8, two months since Dillon was born. Then January 19 or thereabouts, the start of the whole nightmarish process.

Coming up next month: February 8, three months since Dillon was born (hey, at least I have stopped counting the days), February 12, D-day, and somewhere in the last couple days of February, the first sexual encounter of the A.

Speaking of which, I don't remember if I mentioned, but before they had sex, Gargamel went in for a fresh round of STD testing and showed the results to AJ so he would feel safe having sex with her. Of course it's horrible, but also a twisted part of me has to wonder how that played out. It seems a bit awkward to include in foreplay. "Oh yeah, yeah, yeah baby. It feels so good when your STD tests are negative!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Just one more of the many totally cold-blooded things they did, that leaves any sane person thinking, "?????"

We'll all muddle through this together. I'm sure the first time around is the hardest.

I still am going to talk some about the very worst part of recovery so far, right before the baby died. I wanted to get there today, but I am getting so sleepy! I worked on cleaning up the garage, and other worthy projects, fixed AJ's lunch and found his other wool socks to wash, but now it's only 3 hours till his alarm goes off and my eyelids are heavy.

I wonder how late Grandpa is going to up trying to comb his hair?

What there is of it.

Hope he doesn't shred that bright pink scalp of his to ribbons, trying to arrange strands of hair that belong to him now only in memory. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Tell him I said to go to bed.

t&l

Good Mornimg Neak and friends,

My mama lives a couple of hours away and was all wrapped up with buying a house. I didn't want her to know. She would have said it was because I am not a great housekeepe or something else she has harped on for 40 years.

I talked to my fws last night while we were snuggling before bed. He had been wrapped up in the football games all day and with both kids home it is hard to talk. Told him the next little bit is tough for me because of the anniversary things. He said he hadn't even thought about it.

I told him I had and if I seemed a little exra sad, he might want to be a little more loving. He said he would try.

I don't have specific dates, for when they first made contact, I just know it was January.

I told him this morning I really do trust him to not make contact, but I do not trust her. He told me if she does, he'll delete and call me. Hopefullly, she is so wrapped up in her swinging she'll leave him alone.

We will muddle through.

be blessed

One other thing I thought of was when I was asking AJ what I had done that made a difference. After he told me (what I already discussed on here), he said something very interesting. "I didn't want to love you, but you made me love you again."

All of us, I'm sure, have gotten enough education on this site to know it wasn't that simple, that there were lots of other factors involved, even biochemistry, and no one can make anybody do something they don't want to do.

And yet, by following God's leading and with what I learned here, it has been turned around.

I think what he meant was, "I didn't feel any more loving feelings toward you, and I didn't want to. When you continued to show love to me, I felt myself drawn back to you, against my every inclination. And no matter how hard I tried to make them go away, loving feelings toward you began to surface again."

And that's where the tremendous guilt comes in. It's easy to betray someone when you have no care for them. But once Plan A begins its work, and those feelings begin to come back, the affair becomes a very painful place to be. Unfortunately, it usually takes Plan B to make it painful enough to where they want to end it, but they find out that cake-eating isn't as much fun as they'd hoped.

Oh, they enjoy wallowing in it, sure enough, but pay a very high price for every morsel.

Which is where the lighthouse comes in. One moment they're shoveling cake down their throats as fast as they can, from anywhere they can get it. It tastes good, so even though it upsets their stomachs they keep gorging themselves. Then suddenly they wake up and find themselves in the dark, on their hands and knees in the pigsty, and only turnip rinds to munch on. High above their heads, they see a beacon, untouchable, unreachable. They are about to give up in despair, when they remember that they have the map.

By the light flaming above them, they read, "GET OUT OF THE PIGPEN! DO NOT GO BACK TO THE PIGPEN EVER AGAIN!"

Then, if they're smart, they follow the light home.

Just keep muddling, just keep muddling, just keep muddling, muddling, muddling, muddling.

I'll quit singing now.

Very good analogy, Neak.

So did you buy him a lighthouse to symbolize this?

Here is how we differ, mine says he never stopped loving me. He even told her he loved me. Of course he told her he loved her, too.

That is so confusing to me. He said it was play acting with her and real with me.

The one time they met and had sex, they were only meeting to talk. Of course I am not sure why they chose hotel room to talk. He swears it was not planned - it just happened.

I hope that is the truth, but if it is, will it just 'happen' with someome else some other time?

He swears it won't, that he will not put himself in a situation like that again. I pray that is the truth.

My daughter needs the computer for school, so I am signing out for a bit. Have a good day.

I'll have to start looking for lighthouses. That's a good idea.

AJ never exactly said he stopped loving me, but kind of danced around the ILYBINILWY issue. "We practically grew up together. I'll always love you..." and his voice would trail away thoughtfully, as if to suggest, just not in that way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Yep, AJ didn't mean for any of this to happen, either.

The part of me that is logical can recognize that since he has a good idea of what led up to this, and the warning ***DANGER*** signs he ignored, he is more likely to avoid them early, and not wait until he's in some whr's bedroom with her unfastening her clothing to decide, well maybe I shouldn't be here - what to do, what to do? Think, think, think, oh well.

I would predict that both of our husbands would do much better now at just avoiding the problem in the first place. So we just need to keep holding to that hope unless we see something to contradict it.

Where in the dickens are you anyway? I've got an appointment for you at the Dr's office tomorrow @ 11:15 AM, so plan to get your hemorrhaging self down there for it. Your physician says it's time to take care of this and get it over with. You'll LIKE anesthesia! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l

She was thrift store shopping with me and ruining the entire experience, let me tell you!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I admit it, I did.

First, she hates driving with me because of my G-jumpiness. "Aaaaagh! There she is....no, wait, it just looks like hers. Eeeeeeeek! There's another one....no, that's not her, either." Her patience for that sort of thing is rather short of sisterly. *pout*

We went the back way and dropped the poor little white lawnmower off at the shop, then went together in the Suburban to the thrift shop.

Now, when I stepped out of the car at the muffler place, I froze with horror when there was such a rush, um, down under, that it felt like I had urinated in my underthingies, when I was pretty sure I hadn't. So I had to run in and freshen up really quick. And since Neaksis was standing right there watching me when I gooshed, she was already grossed out by the time we got to the thrift store.

Under the circumstances, I was not real keen on a wheeee-let's-change-our-clothes-a-bunch-of-times spree, so she was a bit disappointed with that, and then I kept walking funny around the store and making little grunts or whimpers whenever I felt my life forces draining away again. It was sooooooo funny, and well worth the inconvenience to watch the disgust shivers racing across her face. She is so delicate. Cute little Neaksis!

On our way past the last place I had seen Gargamel, I glanced over, AND SHE WAS THERE AGAIN!!!! Neaksis got the best look at her full-length, but we both saw her profile quite well. Let's just say she appears to have been using comfort food to console herself for the loss of her married boyfriend.

"My, she's fat," I say.
"My, she has a big nose," Neaksis says.

If any of you, after reading any quantity of what I've written, still think I'm nice, it's a good thing you can't see the smug, self-satisfied smirk on my face just now. She's fat, and I'm not, ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

(Brief moment as Rational Self tries to reassert itself. It is not enough for me to be more attractive on the outside than she is. Character, honor, loyalty, these are written on the soul, and are the only things that truly matter. A fine character trumps a beautiful exterior any day of the week.)

Moment over. I'm skinnier! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

When I told AJ about this near C, he was relieved that she did not even turn her head at the Suburban. It is nice to have something we can drive and be anonymous.

So from there we drove up to the school to pick up my niece & nephews, but they misunderstood (?) and rode home with one of Neaksis' neighbors, whose kids also go to the same school.

Another great moment at the school. I had to tidy up in their facility, of course, and whoever had used that stall right before me had plugged up the toilet, but it still looked fine when I used it. Had there been a plunger I would have been delighted to plunge it myself, but there was not. So I had to confess to the teacher that the Red Sea needed to be parted.

It just hasn't been my day.

But I'm skinnier!

Before I nod off to sleep, I just want to say I am grateful for the nice people who have come in here to chat with me.

I haven't followed much on the board in the last couple of months, partly because my attention span doesn't span anything, partly from being busy, and partly just being so wrapped up in dealing with my own pain. I don't have any objection to stepping outside that every now and again, and reminding myself that just about everyone here is hurting over something, but it's so safe and warm in here, (and at Mom's place and in Idiotville), that mostly it's easier to sit by the fire and muse.

Thanks for dropping by.