Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 23 of 44 1 2 21 22 23 24 25 43 44
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
WARNING: VERY LONG <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

There are a couple of things that have been on my heart to discuss, though it may take me a bit to get through them. First will be some stories and Bible promises I found helpful in getting through the nightmare, and then some of the things I have learned about prayer, specifically how to lift up your wayward loved ones to God. The Bible tells us many things we can ask for, both for ourselves and for others, and be assured God hears us.

The story of Sennacherib is found in 2 Kings 18, 2 Chronicles 31 & 32, and also in Isaiah 36 & 37. (All the following quotes are paraphrases.)

The nation of Israel had become divided, with the kingdom of Israel in the north, and the kingdom of Judah in the south. All the kings of Israel were wicked, but once in a while Judah had a good king. Hezekiah was one of those few.

At the age of only 25, Hezekiah became king of Judah, and went right to work overturning the wickedness of the people. He destroyed the altars, high places, and groves of the idol Baal, and called the people to worship again in the house of the Lord.

As an interesting side note, he was the one who destroyed the brass serpent Moses had made. After receiving the Ten Commandments, while the children of Israel were in the wilderness, their rebellion removed God's protection from them and they were attacked by venomous snakes.

To stem the outbreak, and as an object lesson, God instructed Moses to make a serpent from brass, and raise it on a pole where all the people could see it. All who looked on it would live. It was a beautiful picture of the salvation Jesus would offer. A snake in the Bible, represents Satan/evil, so we have the paradox of evil offering salvation to God's people.

Jesus said, "And I, if I be lifted up from the earth, will draw all men unto Me." (John 12:32) And 2 Corinthians 5:21 says, "For He has made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might be made the righteousness of God in Him." Essentially, Jesus, who was perfect and blameless, was nailed to the cross and destroyed AS SIN, all so we could have the righteousness of God, through His death and resurrection.

Well, that serpent on a stick had become just one more idol to the children of Israel, and they worshipped it as if it had magical powers within itself. They called it Nehushtan. Because something that should have been a reminder of God’s healing power and His promise of deliverance from sin, had become a stumbling block, Hezekiah destroyed it, too, for the sake of the people.

The Assyrians had taken over the land of Israel, and for years the Israelites had paid tribute. To meet the outrageous demands, Hezekiah even gave the Assyrian king all the silver from the Temple treasury and his own, and broke the gold off the Temple doors, and peeled it off the overlaid pillars.

The prophets had brought messages from the Lord that the Assyrian power was about to be broken, and at last Hezekiah rebelled and refused to pay any more tribute. The Assyrians went after the northern kingdom first, and laid siege to Samaria, the capital. After the 10 northern tribes had been subdued and taken captive, a vast army marched toward Jerusalem. Humanly, there was no hope. Even with the siege preparations that had been made, food gathered, water sources ensured (the people also blocked up the water sources outside the city so the Assyrians would not have easy access to water), the walls repaired, weapons made, Hezekiah could only last so many years. And the Assyrians had nothing better to do than wait.

He encouraged his men, telling them, “Don’t be afraid of the king of Assyria. He may have a giant army, but there are still more of us than there are of them, because we have God on our side.”

When the enemy army surrounded the city, Rab-shakeh stood close to the wall and shouted to the men who guarded Jerusalem, reading them a letter from Sennacherib, king of Assyria. It was very long, but basically he said, “Tell Hezekiah that the great king of Assyria has sent him a message. Whom does he trust, that he dares to rebel against me? Is it Egypt? Egypt is only a weak reed, and will not save you. Is it the Lord?

“You know, if you would swear loyalty to the great king, he would give you two thousand horses, IF you even have enough riders to put on them. You aren’t even strong enough to turn away the captain of one of the least of my master’s servants, much less the whole army!

“Am I here without your god? He’s the one who told me to destroy you!”

At this point, two of the men on the wall interrupted him. “We speak the Syrian language. Please say what you have to say in that language so the men on the walls do not understand.”

Rab-shakeh sneered at them. “Why shouldn’t they understand? They are the ones who are going to be consuming their own bodily wastes before this is over with.” He raised his voice even louder. “Do not let Hezekiah deceive you. Do not trust in him, and do not trust in your god. If you make an agreement with us now, we will spare your lives, and you will get to keep your houses and lands, at least until we take you with us back to our country, which by the way, is just as beautiful as yours.

“Look around you. Have the gods of the other nations delivered them? Where are the gods of Hamath? What about Arpad? Sepharvaim, Hena, and Ivah…the list goes on. Which god has saved his people from my hand? Well guess what, your god is not going to save you from me, either.”

The people obeyed the king’s order, and kept a dignified silence. Somehow or other they got the letter to King Hezekiah. If I were writing a book about it, they would have lowered a small basket over the wall, since that seems most likely. I know they wouldn’t have opened the gates, and Rab-shakeh probably didn’t throw it, either. Well, however he got it, Hezekiah took it and did something amazing. He tore his clothing and put on sackcloth to show his great sorrow and humility, then took the letter and spread it out in the house of the Lord.

Kneeling before the altar, he prayed long and earnestly, believing that if the repentance of the children of Israel was complete, that God would step in and strike down the Assyrians for their blasphemous and boastful words. He believed the message he had received from Isaiah, that he was not to fear, for God was going to send a blast upon King Sennacherib, that he would hear a rumor and return to his own land, and he would die there.

“Oh Lord of hosts, God of Israel, You only are the God over all the kingdoms of the earth. Bend down your ear, Lord and hear, open Your eyes and see, and listen to all the words Sennacherib has used to bring scorn upon You.

“You know what they did to all the other countries, and burned their idols. You also know that this happened because they weren’t really gods – only chunks of wood and stone. Save us Lord, save us, so that everyone will know that You are the one true God.”

Isaiah sent Hezekiah another message. God was obviously not happy with the Assyrians. Basically, He told them, “You don’t know Who you’re messing with here. Don’t you know I made everything?” But my favorite part was where God tells what will be the outcome of the siege. (Exact quote, Isaiah 37:33-35) ”Therefore thus saith the Lord concerning the king of Assyria, He shall not come into this city, nor shoot an arrow there, nor come before it with shields, nor cast a bank against it. By the way the he came, by the same shall he return, and shall not come into this city, saith the Lord. For I will defend this city to save it for mine own sake, and for my servant David’s sake.”

(Note: Upon first reading this, I took it as a promise that God would send the OW packing before my H screwed her. Well, I can guarantee He wanted to, but as we will discuss in future segments, there is a difference between God’s will and man’s will. In this story, God would not have been able to work the might deliverance that He did, if the people had opened the gate to the enemy. If they opened the gate and later repented, He would have helped them drive the enemy out again, but the cost would be greater in lives lost and in pain suffered. It was not that I should not have prayed that promise, or applied it to my life, but I did not yet understand the nature of affairs, and it never occurred to me that AJ would be not only opening the gate, but inviting the Assyrians in for tea.)

God kept His promise. Sennacherib heard that another king was coming to attack him, and that night the angel of the Lord went through the Assyrian camp and killed 185,000 of them. Being somewhat petrified, the rest of them packed up and went home in a tearing hurry, prepared to go home and fight the other king. After his return, Sennacherib was worshipping his god in the temple of Nisroch when two of his sons killed him by the sword.

One of my favorite promises through this was from Isaiah 59:19. “So shall they fear the name of the Lord from the west, and his glory from the rising of the sun. When the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord shall lift up a standard against him.” (Or her.)

Though we always have a part to play, a work to do (in this case i.e. Plan A, exposure, etc.), ultimately it is God who fights our battles for us, whether in affairs or in life. Hezekiah did not just sit back and wait for the Assyrians, saying that God would protect him no matter what. He gathered food. He ensured the water. He blocked up the water sources the enemy might be able to access. He prepared his men of war. He repaired the city wall. He built towers. He built ANOTHER wall around the first one. And then, when he had done absolutely everything in the world it was humanly possible for him to do, and knowing it would still not be enough against the Assyrian horde, THEN he trusted to God to make up the difference for what it was impossible for him to do.

By attacking our families, the OP is just as much bringing scorn upon God as Sennacherib did. And, sadly, our dear spouses help them in this. But it is appropriate for us to lift the situation to God in prayer, and ask Him to help us to withstand the blasphemous attack against us. Many days I would sit there in front of the laptop sobbing at a new graphic message (for any newer folk, AJ had Nextel, so I could view all his sent and received text messages from the internet), and would lay that letter before God just as Hezekiah did. I would plead with Him to keep His promise of deliverance, and send her back to her own land. (I wouldn’t have complained if an angel had slain her in the night, but resisted asking for that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

I would say to God, “Do you she what she says here? This wickedness cannot go unstopped. Please put an end to it as soon as possible. I know you do not force us to do anything, and will not force AJ to make right choices even if I asked, but you also promised to fight our battles for us, and defend us, and save us. Please do whatever you need to do to get this wicked woman out of our lives forever, and to help us have the kind of family that You want us to have.”

Of course I didn’t have to show God the letters; He knew all about each one before I did. But by presenting them to Him, and asking Him to do something about it, it demonstrated my faith. And even with only a little bit of wobbly, misguided, misinterpreted faith, it was enough for Him to use, to bring His honor and glory out of tragedy.

One last note (for the moment), is that deliverance never happens on our timetable. It always takes too long! I’m sure Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego would have preferred to be delivered before they were thrown into the fiery furnace, but they were not. They were saved through it. Same thing with us. We are delivered on God’s schedule, and with His timing, and not by our impatient wishes. It seems so long when you’re going through an A, (and recovery too, I might add), and yet God waits until the right moment to act. Usually this is long after we think He should have acted. Maybe it won’t be the timing we thought we wanted, or in the way we think it should have been, but God will always send help in the time and way that will best work out the plan He has for us: the plan which, if we could see it all as He sees it, would be the very one we would choose.

Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am. Isaiah 58:9a


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Quote
One last note (for the moment), is that deliverance never happens on our timetable.


ain't that the truth

and sometimes

our job

is to step out of the way

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Thank you Pep. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> That is so true in all aspects of life.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
I am trying not to obsess about Gargamel. Not, not, not! But in addition to all the usual reminders, tomorrow DS9 goes to STAR testing 1 1/2 miles down the hill, on the same road as her house. Maybe you city folk think that's a long way, but any of you that live in the country understand that I might as well stand at the bottom of her driveway and blow a trumpet, especially when I'm on the path leading to....everywhere from her house. It's not like in the city, where you can go this way or the other way around the block. You follow one road for quite a way before getting to an intersection that offers options. And the test site is right along that one way.

So I am trying to psych myself up for the rest of the week of that. But have AJ take him? Not on your life!!!!!!

And then I had to go pick up my poor little car from the windshield shop. AJ had dropped it off, and described the location to me. "Well, it's pretty close to Douglas Tire, across the street from the Ford dealership, and right next to the Economy Inn."

A much more accurate description would be, "It is directly between the Economy Inn, and the Holiday Inn Express where I rutted with my mistress." But that's ok, I figured it out quickly enough once I got there.

I try to avoid that area whenever possible, but good grief, I had to get my car. Grrrrr. How dare they put a decent establishment there?

So now that I have complained, I mean vented, I will go try to think of something else for the rest of the evening. But don't think of Gargamel is a lot like don't think of pink elephants.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Here we are, 10 months into recovery, and MoFo too.

Amazing. A year ago I would never have thought it possible that things would be this good again, though I wasn't q-u-i-t-e out of hope. Was hot and heavy into my preparations for Plan B, and wishing it would work quickly.

I'm not over this, not even close, but have gotten fairly skillful at redirecting my thoughts into positive channels and dwelling more in the present.

I think AJ hardly thinks of it at all unless something forcibly reminds him.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 235
Z
zuj Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 235
(((Neak)))

You seem so positive on posts to me, and here I find you in torment too.

Recovery - such a word I wish and pray for.

I am really glad that things are good, and I hope that you are able to get better and better very quickly.

To know that IF all things go well with WH and I, that I will feel like this for months, if not years, is a very scary thought.

Hugs today

Justine


Me 34,WH 37, Children 7,4,21mths D'Day 30/3 but awareness of 'depression' 19/3 Moved in with ROOT on 26/3 Plan B 9th May 06 WH nervous breakdown & suicide attempt 14th May 06 Chocolate Root Melted 26th May Recovering now with baby steps.....
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Oh, I guess I never updated on the STAR testing. He finished yesterday after only an hour of work (good boy! for a change...). There was only one likely sighting. The first day she was gone when I dropped him off, and on my way down the hill I saw a vehicle that was either hers or identical to it going the other way. Then, when I picked him up a couple hours later she was home. The second day she was there when I dropped him off and gone an hour later.

My other recent trigger is the house AJ applied to rent a few doors down has a For Rent sign out front again. It is a reminder to me every time I drive past, so I have to grit my teeth and think happy thoughts for a while, going and coming.

It is weird how stuff will bother me only small to medium when I am alone, and send me into a stupor when AJ is there with me. Like last month when AJ watched Jarhead and the adultery part came on without warning. Once I could move, I went into the bathroom and cried for a long time. I came back and sat with him, (just staring into space and not really watching the movie), but ready to jump up and run away if anything else like that happened. Had I watched it by myself (me watch a war movie voluntarily....bwaaahaaaahaaaa) it would have bothered me quite a bit but I wouldn't have lost any marbles over it - I would have just turned it off and done something else.

Or the new version of the Ten Commandments, which that just reminded me of. We started out watching it together. It tried to show each of the commandments being broken, though I didn't catch onto that until later or I would have been forewarned. When the adulterous pair sat up with a gasp, "I have betrayed my wife!" "I have betrayed my husband!", I shut down again. It was very late and I was too groggy to get up, so I hid my head and don't remember anything else.

But a couple of nights later, when he went to sleep early and I was wide awake, I went back and watched that part again. I will be honest to my discredit. Mostly I was hoping they got stoned. When the wicked pair kissed each other it made me squirm, but I remained conscious. And yes, they did end up getting stoned, after they killed the BH when he found them together. I was actually glad I saw it, and only a little maliciously so. It is kind of weird, because although I would not want AJ to be stoned, and would even grant Gargamel her life if I held ultimate power, it seemed to be a good reminder to me that God sees all, knows all, and He will judge and administer both justice and mercy. Justice if sin is cherished, and mercy if it is forgiven and forsaken.

But I digress. I don't know if I'm the only one or not, but it is just strange to me how differently I react to the same stimulus, depending on whether AJ is there or not. Weird, just weird.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Thanks, Juzzie. Hugs to you, too.

It takes a long while to recover from this, no doubt. Adultery is the gift that keeps on giving. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

What keeps recovery from being worse is one of the very things that makes it so disconcerting. It's like having multiple personality disorder: there is the part of you that is stuck in this horrible experience that is slow to fade and slow to heal, and there is the part of you that is happy and content in a wonderful, fulfilling marriage.

So it is not all bad, and not all good, and frequently both at the same time.

Plus I also had other serious stresses early into recovery that I'm sure made it more difficult than it would have been otherwise, along the lines of multiplication rather than simple addition. So I can at least offer the hope that it is a little easier for most of you.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 296
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 296
Thought I would pipe in real quick. I too experience a difference of emotions from when WW is with me to when she's not. I can't explain it, but I know it's there. My first thought was that deep down we want this person to see how much we hurt and we can't do that if they aren't there, but I don't know.

Anywho, vaya con Dios. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


~~One day at a time is all we're given. Just deal with today and let God have tomorrow.~~ Me = 32 FWH in 1996. Current BH Her = 33 FWW DS 15 DD 11 DS 7 Discovery March 29, 2006 Recovery and proud of it!
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
I wonder if, in the face of those harsh reminders, his presence actually becomes an additional pain, an addiitional trigger, enough extra pain to push me over the edge into protective mode?

For me, anyway, it's not about wanting him to see how much I hurt. My tendencies are stiff upper lip and stifle, and it requires a huge effort to let him know, even in the blandest possible way, that I am hurting. I have no trouble talking to him about problem stuff, or discussing just about anything under the sun, except for my pain.

Go with God, also.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 296
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 296
Quote
it requires a huge effort to let him know, even in the blandest possible way, that I am hurting. I have no trouble talking to him about problem stuff, or discussing just about anything under the sun, except for my pain.

WW and I can talk and do talk about any myriad of things. I'm certain that I've built an emotional wall around around the pain associated with the affair(s) though. And not even the As so much as the deception, but it's all in the same load of wash, if you know what I mean.

I know that when that particular subject comes up with WW, I hurt like I have never hurt before in my life. Keep in mind that I grew up in an abusive house... all kind of childhood trauma which, fortunately, I did not carry over to my kids or my wife.

While I CAN get emotional when talking about this with MC or MIL or neighbor, it's almost like I don't have a choice with WW. Not by design, but she can get through my emotional wall. It's like there's a door in the wall and she's got the spare key.

BUT we don't talk R or A unless we're both emotionally prepared to do it. No suprise attacks. War or not, this battlefield has rules. I guess what I'm getting at is over 12 years I learned to lower defenses to my spouse and it's a habit. I've never been more intimate, open or honest with anyone in my life.

Amor en Christo.


~~One day at a time is all we're given. Just deal with today and let God have tomorrow.~~ Me = 32 FWH in 1996. Current BH Her = 33 FWW DS 15 DD 11 DS 7 Discovery March 29, 2006 Recovery and proud of it!
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
I see what you're saying.

I didn't used to be like this, but I guess with so much pain in such a short period of time, I ended up building bulwarks that no one close to me gets through, except on very rare occasions. It is far easier to share those kinds of things here, in a more impersonal environment, than to talk about them. I just choke and can't say a word. I even had to write it out when I let AJ know that my due date was bothering me. Try as I might, I couldn't say it to him out loud.

It's probably a good thing that I am doing enough better that there's not as much right this moment to keep walled off. With a smaller amount of active pain, there is not as much to try and defend.

Once in a while I have a day where I don't feel like I've gotten anywhere, but I really am getting better.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Hi Neak:

Sorry that I haven't had chance to post to you sooner.

I want to let you know that I've been reading your posts here and nodding my head, remembering when I was at your same place in this drama.

I even had a thread here about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, talking about my flashbacks,etc.

It takes time but it does get better.

Days go by and I realize that I have not thought about the FOW at all that day...used to think about her daily.

Keep this a secret. OK? I'm still trying to come up with some innocent(for want of a better word) form of revenge...not to ugly, resulting in bodily harm but some form of justice...I HAVE MY FANTASIES OF THIS...UGLY...

All I can do is pray and leave it in God's hands..because vengeance is his..against the enemies of the righteous....

Hang in there, my sister in Recovery....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Thanks, Sis. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm sure you know the next best thing to being all-the-way-well is knowing that other people understand what you're experiencing.

I remember your PTSD thread. I still startle very badly, but that's all I can recall offhand except the triggers.

How I laughed when you said...well I won't repeat it since it's a secret. Itching powder has crossed my mind. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think of her less and less all the time, once in a while even going a couple of hours, if I am busy. I can't wait till it is only every few days. But the mean part of me hopes she is bothered more by this than I am.

One of my favorite Christian writers says that when a person causes others to suffer, that God brings them over the same ground they have made others walk, in an effort to help them repent, and understand just how terrible their actions have been.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Jaw dropping, and will come back later with more detail, but just found out AJ came that close [ ] to running into her about 3 weeks ago. (He says he told me at the time, but either I was asleep, or in the trauma following the narrow escape he thought he did but forgot.}

I was pretty calm when he told me, exept for eyes widening in shock and my voice rising an octave or three. I am going to go break a few things and then I'll feel better.

We are having a BBQ today, soy of course.

ACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feel a smidge better after acking. Very shocking, but he handled it well.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 4,458
If he was that close to running into her, was it with his car? And if so, why did he swerve?

t&l

Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 8
P
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
P
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 8
Hi Neak,
I've never wrote to you before. I have been lurking
for some time however and have followed most, if not all
of your posts.
I hope that someday you can get to the point of forgiving your OW, as it seems you are working on forgiving your H.
It seems sad and frankly a bit pointless to be still devoting so much of your heart and head to her. I know that you want for her to move on and out of your lives. But do you see that inside you haven't been able to let her go
- your still so focused on her. I fear that until you are
able to truly let her go- it will become that unspoken
pink elephant blocking your recovery.
Your H failed you and you are desperately working to forgive
and move forward and lets face it- he not she was the one that truly hurt you. If she had an affair with any other man other than your H would you have been so devistated?
I'm not saying that she is blamesless at all- but I think
you are trying to make her the one you blame and hate 100%
for this and I don't think it is honest or condusive to
your own recovery.

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
N
Neak Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Thank you for taking the time to post to me, Pegster. I appreciate your input and honesty. I would like to comment on what you said, for clarification rather than justification.

I struggle daily with resentment toward my H. It's something I don't think I have really talked about here, not even really a deliberate choice like "I will not talk about my resentment on MB," but more like "I will talk and think of my resentment as little as possible." I am taking it on faith when Dr. Harley says if you address the A issues and simply work on being together and building a happy marriage, the resentment and anger will eventually fade. I have seen it improve in myself: it was like having a long-standing temperature of 106.5F that gradually lowered to, say, 100.2F. It is still there constantly, still somewhat bothersome, but not at the critical all-consuming stage it was for a while. I believe it will eventually go away if I continue not to dwell on it.

Something else that does not show on here, just because of the nature of MB, is that for the majority of my life, my thoughts of Gargamel are at about the same level as the resentment toward my H. Always there, always palpable, but low enough that I can ignore it and function in life.

Having said that, I acknowledge that you are completely correct that I think too much about her, at times. I think there are two main reasons for that. One, since you are familiar with my story, you will remember that I have been dealing with her on an ongoing basis up until just a few months ago. Believer and others expressed concern that the continued contact due to the financial situation would significantly set back my recovery, and it has. In some areas my recovery is only a few months along, instead of almost a year. The other reason is that, tripping over her all the time the way I do, her presence continues to open half-healed wounds and pour salt in them for good measure.

The incident with AJ, all he did was go into one of the local grocery store to get a few groceries. She was not there when he got there, or of course he would have gone somewhere else. It is just as probable that she saw his car and went in to find him. While he was peaceably pushing his cart up and down the aisles, he saw her turn the corner right ahead of him. A second or two sooner, and they would have been in the same aisle. He left his cart right where it was and slipped out of the store. Incidents like this, and her driving past me at the little intersection a few miles from the house, only serve to emphasize the feeling that nowhere is safe from having her pop up unexpectedly.

You are doubtless aware that we are moving out of state (for nobler reasons than this, although it will serve the secondary purpose of removing us from this painful situation) as soon as the house sells. But even knowing there is a time limit on how long I will have to put up with this, it still rubs me raw when I keep encountering her almost half the time I set foot outside the gate. It stirs up the resentment I feel toward both of them, not just her, and it takes a great effort to decompress each time.

Up until now I have looked on this place as somewhere I can come and safely vent, helping to clear her from my mind and return things to the low-level irritation that is the status quo. I had no idea it would have this kind of impact on others, so thank you for calling my attention to that. I apologize to you, and to anyone else who has been negatively influenced by my venting about this. In the future I will find some other way to deal with the agitations of seeing her, and to calm back down again.

Again, thank you for posting.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 296
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 296
It's not easy to see the OP and not feel things like anger, resentment, spite, hatred etc. Fortunately, in my sitch, I'm not around any of the OM, but if I were, I'm unsure if I would be able to control myself.

An A takes 2 people at least. While the one that hurts you the most is your spouse, that's also the one that you love the most. The OP is suddenly a speed bump in your road of life and if you run OP over with your car, you might not think twice about it. I am NOT suggesting killing anyone. Don't read this and go run anybody over! The feelings are there. We're all entitled to them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


~~One day at a time is all we're given. Just deal with today and let God have tomorrow.~~ Me = 32 FWH in 1996. Current BH Her = 33 FWW DS 15 DD 11 DS 7 Discovery March 29, 2006 Recovery and proud of it!
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 8
P
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
P
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 8
I'm glad to hear that you will be moving- certainly the
distance will help- especially your head but what about
your heart.
I believe that words and thoughts have power- usually over us- to continue to refer to this xOW as Gargamel- well,
it bothers me- because it tells me your holding onto something you need to let go of.
Lastly my post was based on what I have read of your posts-
since your not sharing the same amount of vent towards H-
to me it appeared a bit imbalanced. My apologies.

Page 23 of 44 1 2 21 22 23 24 25 43 44

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 259 guests, and 78 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Rjack, russelltonya, arielwilson, Debby Woman, Comfortable Shoe
71,850 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2024, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5