I hope I am posting this in the right spot. My wife and I have known each other since middle school, so about 17 years. We had always been close and able to talk. She went to the marine corps and I went to college but somehow we always stayed in touch or tried to find each other when we came home. She had always had a crush on me. She was, to me, my buddy, so the feelings were not always returned. Then there were times I would have those feelings and she didn't.
At the beginning of 2005 we got reaquainted again and we were both home for good. As before we just sparked up intimate, (not sexual), coversation as we always had. We hit it off strongly. As always we could talk about anything and were honest with each other. By the end of that year we decided to become a couple and move in together. By this time our bond was so strong I just wanted to go straight to marriage. I have always wanted to marry my one special person but never found her until .... her.
We were together 7 months when I proposed. We had been each others support system. At the beginning of 2006 I had a painful surgery and she was by my side the whole time. It's not just that she was there, it's how she was there. At one point the nurse asked which of us was the patient, she had climbed in the bed with me and was sleep. I loved her more for that. Then shortly after, she lost her job and was without work for 4 months. I was her support during that while she dealt with issues of guilt and helplessness and our financial strain.
We ended up getting married in late 2006 shortly after our one year anniversary. A few months before, we started having hard times. Always arguing over little stuff. I still chose to marry her because I believed that if I couldn't make it work with her then I couldn't make it work with anyone.
And so it has been. Since shortly before our marriage until about now we have been at odds. My wife is distant. Sex is rare. I discovered this site and have been trying to apply some of its techniques. I believe I had a very strong part to play in this. Everytime we talked I would have something to say about what I felt she wasn't doing right. Looking back I can say that she patiently listened and tried to and did make some changes. But all I could do was go on about things that weren't fixed...and would repeatedly bring up past things, a well known and bad characteristic of my father.
After reading through this site I have decided that aside from what she has done that hurt my feelings...one of the main reasons we are where we are is because I stopped being that man she fell in love with. I started giving her bad conversation repeatedly and over time she just got more and more distant. We are not verbally or physically abusive and even in our anger I still do for her...cook, wash her clothes, etc. and she does the same. I never treaten to leave her although she has, at times, expressed a feeling that it may be best for us. I have tried to change my ways without trying to get her to change hers. I figure, I need to first show her the man she fell in love with and then maybe we can get back to a point where our communication skills, which have gotten better through all this, can have a chance.
Sense I've been trying she gives me more attention and conversation but I have learned that when in comes to problems in my marriage I have very little patience. This is wierd because I have always been a man of patience. One thing I should note is I believe we both have anger and abandonment issues. The anger is from the hard life we both had growing up and the abandonment from her father and my mother. I can say she still loves me and I can say she wants this to work and what I am doing so far is working...even though slowly faster that the opposite side.
I hate when she is withdrawn. And I find is very difficult to hold on to my optimism. As I said, I have anger issues too so holding them in while trying to make this work, not always getting the response I'd like in the timely fashion I'd like......Let's just say I can't sleep too well. I just need guidance. I have no one to talk to. I just want my best friend back. Am I on the right track? I love my wife dearly and it would hurt me deeply to loose her. Any thoughts are appreciated. Thank you