"I don't know your case well, but from the clues you've given, he was/is an abusive personality."
Yes, he is. The family counselor said he's sociopathic.
"Unless he has hit rock bottom - nothing left to live for in life, etc. - he will not change one iota for you because, in his mind, anything that went wrong was completely your fault. Abusers are never at fault; they are perpetual victims."
Yup - My concern is that once I do get involved with a new man then, and ONLY then, will he have hit rock bottom and realize/regret enough to change. We were together for a long time and we have children together. So like it or not, logical or not, I DO still feel some sense of concern for him. Plus because he is the father of my daughters I have concerns about how well he can handle it when he finally realizes (too late?) because of the effect his reaction could have on them.
"Therefore, you are still, IMO, acting in your abusee mode. I urge you to read "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft (http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
). Also, look up tally's thread. You will see what sounds to me like similar behavior (hers and yours) and a tendency to be willing to give up any progress just to have the man back."
I appreciate your concern but you are way off-base here. I most certainly am not in any way still a victim of his abuse. I have done tons of research over literally decades in how/why such men behave. And I most certainly have no intention whatsoever of giving up any inch of progress just to have him back!!! In fact that's a major reason why he is not with me now - because I was unwilling to accept his numerous recovery offers on his twisted terms.
"I'm not trying to diss on you, it just scares me that your posts sound so much like you've spent this time just waiting for him to wise up and come and sweep you off your feet once again while, most likely, he hasn't given you ten minutes' thought in that time. Sorry to be so blunt, but your comments scared me, for your sake."
I get what you're saying but it's not like that at all. I am a very busy and mostly happy person. I am so onto his 'sweeping you off your feet' routine that his charm lost it's effect on me a loooong time ago. He's already tried that many times to no avail. He knows I expect real changes and real committment. And as I already stated what I would need to see from him, and the length of time I would need to see him exhibiting those changes, makes recovery practically impossible.
I also realize he probably hasn't given me much thought since the divorce. BUT I am willing to bet, not based on any false hope or desire on my part, but on how well I know him, that once he realizes that I am with another man he will finally regret and want another chance. I assure you I am in no danger of being conned back into a false recovery with him LOL. It's more likely that even if he really does want to do a real recovery someday I won't be willing to - whether or nto I'm involved with a new man.
Also, my reasons for not getting involved with another man are not all about my WXH. Before the divorce was final and even for a while afterwards I was still open to reconciliation (BUT only a REAL recovery - NOT another false one). So of course I was not interested in getting involved with another man yet. I wanted to know that I had done all I could to restore my marriage before moving on. That had more to do with my morals and responsibilities to our children than it did to wanting to give my WH another chance, or to wanting him back.
"Have you done any work on yourself in that time?"
Oodles! I started back to work, took a class to update my skills in the career I used to have, updated my resume, and have lots of friends, hobbies, and volunteer activities.
"You sound a little bit like a codependent personality, in that you've remained separate from men but you're still waiting for the romance - whoever it comes from - to come in and take over for you."
Actually I never was the man-hunting, or had to have a man in my life, type. I am pretty content to be alone. I have several reasons for not dating that have nothing to do with my WXH. I am SO not waiting for ANY man to come in and take over anything in my life LOL! I sort of like not having to POJA with a man before making decisions. If/when I remarry it will have to be with somebody who already agrees with a lot of the things that are important to me.
I don't know what that means.
"Studied your patterns to make sure you don't pick the same type of person?"