I recommended the book "Why Does He Do That?" to your wife, and you might consider reading it as well. One line in there that really struck me went something like this:

He needs to stop focussing on her behavior and his feelings and start focussing on her feelings and his behavior.

Think about how she feels. She's already been betrayed and now she's caught you lying. You lied to avoid consequences to your actions.

My husband is a charming man. There is much to admire about him. And yet, our marriage has been a nightmare for me. Why? He hasn't wanted to consider my feelings when he made his choices.

We are following the POJA. If I ever caught him in a lie, it would be over. I'd turn the page. I'd never want to see him again.

One lie, and it would be over.

If your wife is willing to talk with the Harleys to try to straighten this out, consider yourself very, very lucky. You may not appreciate the seriousness of what you have done. My recommendation to you is to focus on following the POJA, promising her that every choice you make will be with her interests in mind. That means you never lie, even if you think there is nothing "wrong" with what you are doing. The point isn't whether something is wrong or not. The point is something is negative for her, and for that reason you don't do it.

I can imagine you might be quite confused now about why this big fuss about something you didn't think was wrong. My heart goes out to you, too. I know that my husband thinks that, if he has to always consider my feelings, then his feelings are never considered. You said you felt like a prisoner. He has said he feels trapped. What we are trying to do is to find what works for both of us. It's not exactly what he wants to do, and it's not exactly what I want to do, but it's what works for both. Good luck to you.

Cherishing

PS. Jayne241 asked how you can tell if a WS is a FWS. In my opinion, it is that the FWS starts to focus on the BS's feelings and the WS's behavior.

Last edited by Cherishing; 02/03/08 07:32 PM.