I suppose you are right, I should just ask. The only reason we have hesitated is b/c of his mom. MIL has a tendency to have a funny (not ha-ha-funny) way of handling being confronted ... the backlash is tremendous! The frustration we are facing obviously comes from us realizing that we cannot control how others react. Which would be nice wouldn't it? But that isn't how things are. And we are fearful of doing/saying anything to cause ostracism in H's family. But, H and I realize that our family comes first and we must accept whatever backlash comes our way. Its just hard to deal with b/c it tends to effect DD - she is currently the only grandchild.
Thank goodness there are no children from the previous marriage. All she has ever wanted is a family, so in a way we are glad she is getting what she's dreamed of. And I agree that standing against the M would be perceived as standing against the child. The baby is innocent in this and had no choice. The baby talk brings up so many other issues with my MIL and the babies - I guess I shouldn't bring up on this particular thread.
I am due the end of this year and she is due 2 months later, so it is inevitable that the kids will at least somewhat grow up together. I just don't want my kids to be effected by the crazy backlash of these 2 women and their apparent displeasure in our family when we don't "play along".
Luckily, we feel confident in the lessons we have taught DD through this whole process. First, we got the opportunity to speak to her about D and how we have had problems in the past, but we worked through them (no matter how difficult) and got a better M from it. We got to have open dialog with DD about M, D, and our values. Turns out, we somehow taught all this before without just saying it - she already had in her mind the same values we hold. It made us feel good to know we had actually set a good example!
I suppose that all we can do is raise our kids the way we believe they should be, realize that we cannot control what other think or do, and stick together as a team. Seems like our best option.