Its strange and uncomfortable. We really wanted to get in a lot of family time leading up to the birth of this baby and afterward. It has been important to us to spend as much time with family over the next several months since we will be moving away in the summer.
This whole situation has left us feeling disappointed about our relationship with them and wondering how to repair it. Have we made a tremendous error in dealing with all this? How can we be blamed for not going when we didn't know about it until it was too late?
Make room for the family time anyway. Others' actions do not change your priorities if they were really your priorities to begin with.
Human relationships are dynamic...they change moment to moment. Don't fall into judgment where you pat them down and say they are just that way. That says you are just this way...pats you down, too.
You know you've experienced big change in the last couple of years...when you owned your half, your stuff...everything changed. Continue that with your FOO and his FOO. Hold yourself to your own code and act...helps your marriage. Reinforces your changed beliefs.
Disappointment arrives in us from our own expectations. You expected something from them and didn't receive it. Okay. Check your expectations. See if you vocalized them. As humans, we hide so much from others and from ourselves...did you say, "We are afraid you will cut us out of your lives because of our decision. It was really difficult for us to make the decision because of our fear."
That is repairing...simply stating what is yours, honestly, in respect. You know you're not doing the wrong thing...you are holding yourself to your commitments...you've put in the effort to see from many other angles...and you decided. Don't focus on blame or you'll put it back in your marriage...it's a slippery slope.
Focus on your responsibility...and seems to me, you're hearing the call of the Circe, which is blame, coming from the shore...strap yourselves to the mast and know you are reaching for being responsible for others' feelings, being the cause. You are not. Nor are they causing you this strife. This is real life, happening now...and old patterns are going to strongly reassert...know what is and what is not.
Keep your plans for inclusion...continue them. When we act out our feelings, our actions change with them...comes and goes...and I see your extended family as doing just this...and now it's really rattling because neither you nor MrTFC do this with each other anymore...it's going to stick out like a sore thumb.
Keep acting from respect and love...engage, participate, stay aware...I think you're going to deepen your marital intimacy even more. Oddest thing about experiencing rejection--we can either experienced increased acceptance, which lessens our experience of rejection, or we can begin to also reject.
Accept they are doing/saying what they are...make sure you're holding yourself to sharing honestly, respecting they can deal with their own stuff even as you respect yourselves for dealing with your own stuff, 'k? Because they can. This will pass. All things come to pass.
Stay a part of it.