Originally Posted By: LovingAnyway
MN,


You're not weird, wrong or alone. It's really common, to different degrees.


What's your goal? To have love be a mystically dispensed, no choice kind of thing; whimsical and sporadically given to some couples and not others?

Or do you choose to believe God IS love...that we are made from love...equal to everyone...by the hand of the same creator, loved as much, looked out for and provided for...from love? Emulate this in your marriage...KNOW you love and act from your choice...your feelings will follow.

You didn't choose badly, MN. God rejoiced and still does.

Welcome to where there are friends of your marriage.

LA


Thanks you-

I sort of want to change the title of my reply now \:\/ and i feel a bit sheepish.

honestly, i think i have been believing that 'love is mystically dispensed... given to some couples and not others'. i think it's been blocking me in our relationship, believing that "it's just not there" while all the while not even really defining for myself what "it" is.

i've been feeling at peace. i believe that we are going to be fine, and our love is going to grow and grow. i'm going to cling to those beliefs and work through negative feelings when they come up. we really have been doing good lately. Also- what does MN mean?

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i do think it's a beliefs issue though. i had a lot of negative beliefs about marriage, and fears, so when i actually was married all of them came out. i think they were beliefs formed by past broken-hearts, and relationships.

Bit of relationship history-

i had a high school relationship in which the guy got too serious with me too young. i knew i wasn't going to marry him, so i broke it off, and i felt like i destroyed him. i think since then i'd been afraid to do that to anyone else. i've had a lot of extremely needy/broken friends that have put me in a position of being their savior. i think i saw my H as needy at first, which made me resent him. i know that is not true now, he has shown me he is strong.. maybe that's why i need to here that he's 'fine without me sometimes', so i know he's not dependent on me in an unhealthy way, like i fear sometimes.

also- i got my heart broken in college. i know the guy wasn't right for me, and the relationship wasn't very healthy, and he wasn't very good to me. looking back we were both very immature. but i was heart-broken for a while when he ended it. i think i told myself that i'd never have feelings like that for anyone again... so i feel like that's gotten in the way of my feelings for my husband. it's like i compare it to how i felt about that relationship (even though i know it wasn't right or what i wanted).

maybe that is what 'it' has been for me: what i felt in my college relationship. i always thought that what i felt then would be even stronger with the one i was going to marry. it wasn't, but it was better, as far as it felt healthier. maybe i told myself i would never be able to have feelings like that for anyone else, and so i won't let myself now. it's like i have this imaginary ideal of what 'in love' should be, so i'm not letting myself fall in love in this relationship. if that were true though no one would ever fall in love after having a broken heart!