Hello. I'm not going to repost MY whole story (I actually thank the Lord that mine was one of those erased- though I miss the great advice I was given), but here is something I found online the other day. It's the only -and I mean only- thing I've found that gives hope for a marriage where one spouse was never attracted to the other. I feel bad for this guy's dad that women keep marriying him when they weren't attracted to him, but I am comforted to know that in at least one case, attraction developed over time.
When I asked my Mom why she divorced my Dad, she wouldn't give me a straight answer. I questioned my Dad to know why, and he wouldn't tell me for a few days, but I kept asking him, and he finally admitted that my mother divorced him because she never had wanted to marry him in the first place, and because she was never attracted to him, so after 11 years of marriage, she finally decided to divorce him, thinking she'd be happier if she could marry someone she was attracted to. Well, I asked my Mom if this was true, and she cried as she admitted it. I was and still am so mad at her for her selfishness which has stolen my life that I deserve from me! Why would she marry my Dad in the first place if she wasn't even attracted to him!
My Dad is not exactly a model or anything, but he is handsome. And when I was 18, I was worried about how I looked to girls, and about how my real mom had left my Dad, because she was not attracted to him, so I asked my step-mom to honestly tell me if she felt attracted to my Dad. She paused for a while, and said something that shocked me. She said that for a while (like the first few years of their marriage) she was not very attracted to my Dad, but that she kept choosing to do things to show love to him, and after a few years of consistently focusing on what she loved about him, she gradually began to be attracted to him, to the point that, now, she is very attracted to him. She made me promise to not tell my Dad. I didn't tell him. I'm glad that she was honest with me. It still hurts me though, because why did my real mom and my step-mom, even marry my Dad if they weren't attracted to him? It makes me think that a lot of women are like that. That's why I'll never get married, because I don't want to ever bring kids into the world with a wife who probably isn't attracted to me anyway. I wish my real mom would have worked at her marriage, like my step-mom does. My real mom is a loser. She's always been so focused on herself, that she never sees how much she hurts others. I wish I could go back in time and wake her up from her twisted thinking. It's like she thinks happiness comes from other people or other things or something, but she's never happy. She's searched and tried all sorts of hobbies, interests, and everything, and she's never found happiness. My step-mom however is the happiest person I know, and it's not like my Dad is Mr. Perfect. He is such a loser in so many ways, but my step-mom shows so much love and affection for him, that he wants to be a better man, and he has changed in many good ways over the years, which I attribute a lot to my step-mom's unselfish ways that she serves him and loves him, even when he doesn't deserve it. I just wish my real mom would have learned from someone like my step-mom, about how to truly love your husband with unconditional love.
I know Dr Harley doesn't teach unconditional love, but I thought the post offered hope to those of you who feel stuck in a crummy marriage b/c you aren't attracted to your spouse. The attraction actually CAN grow.