The Apostle Paul, perhaps the greatest of them all said:

"I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate."

He wrote many of his letters from a sewage filled basement prison cell where he was forced to hold paper up high so it would not get soaked with the filth. He was martyred.

You are not alone. You sound very sincere and repentent. No One is perfect these days. Just keep trying, that's all you can do right?