Hello everyone,

I have been reading and posting a bit for a couple of months but have not told my entire story. I have been afraid because the OW had been hacking into my computer last fall, before our wireless network was as secure as it is now.

My Story:

My H and I have been married for 8 years. It is the 2nd marriage for both and we both had 2 daughters. At the time of our marriage they were 4, 7, 12, and 14. My daughters were with us most of the time, but did visit their father often. As they got older, their activities changed and we went from less of a formal visitation schedule to a more fluid one.Their father was flexible and so was I. My step-daughters' mother, however, hated my H for divorcing her and devoted her life to alienating the children. I won�t tell the stories; nobody would believe them. It�s been a nightmare and a big stress on our marriage.

The year after we were married, my H was laid off from his job. He has a profession that is not in much demand, and he didn�t want to move to areas where it was because of the children. I agreed with him, and I picked up extra work, working more like 50 hours a week. He did some adjunct teaching to earn money, and picked up more of the household chores.

More stresses

It worked for about 3 years but he got more and more depressed and sunk into a huge depression. Our family doctor gave him medication, and the medication gave him a psychotic breakdown one day. He became, literally, crazy, and violent. I called the police; he was arrested. It was terrible. He now has a misdemeanor on his record; it was reduced because of what is called �involuntary intoxication� � he was prescribed the medication.
Meanwhile, I could not take the stress of trying to work so much. My thyroid gave out, I was exhausted, and I could not lose weight. We finally decided we had to move so he could get a full time job and I would work only one job. He still had to support his children, of course, but we had to find another way.
My youngest daughter was about to start her senior year of high school when he found a job two states away. We decided to have him move to an apt., start house hunting, come home every month, and then when school was out I would join him. We did this. My youngest started college that fall. We had a new house, were making some new friends and learning about our new state.

The A

The A didn�t start until 2 years later. My H was angry and blamed me for his arrest record because I had called the police. I tried going to counseling with him and he wouldn�t take responsibility. Everyone who knew us knew he felt that way, and nobody ever agreed with him, until a co-worker did. A female co-worker. The A started in August 2008 and I discovered it July 29, 2009. I discovered the secret email account and about 400 emails with about 200 of them having photos attached. Photos of her naked, them having sex, posting them online and sharing with others, talking to others about swapping mates for sex. I spent a lot of time screaming and vomiting. I found out it happened in my bed, and took all my bedroom furniture, bedding, photos on the wall, etc. to the dump.
Once the OW found I knew, she claimed she had tried to end the relationship earlier. This was a lie because I found out about it when I found a text message from her that day. Then she went to HR at work and said he was harassing her. There was a full investigation, and they both ended up fired or forced to resign because they had sex at work. She is now filing restraining orders saying that she did not post the photos online. She is doing this because I forwarded all the emails and photos to her H, who divorced her and is going for custody. We have spent about 15k in legal fees. We are not done yet.
D-day is coming next month, and I am so far from healed. So much of the past year has been taken up with the job investigation and loss and the court case which has dragged on 6 months. My H is going to IC and we are going to MC with an infidelity-trained therapist. I go to a BAN group every other week. I have read SAA and bought Love Busters and HNHN. My H is reading them too. I see him making changes but I am so far from healed and it�s been a year, almost. He is trying to learn to meet my ENs. I am really not that interested in meeting his. I know I should; I am angry and resentful and that isn�t serving anyone well.
That�s my story.

D&S,

I have to ask a very tough question:

You have decided to save your marriage - do you expect to do that if you continue to carry anger and resentment?


Another one:

Do you love your husband?



I want to assume that you love him, and you want to save the marriage. Or, that you want to love him and save the marriage.

Either way, the anger and resentment need to go away...to make room for the love...


I know a lot about anger and resentment. Maybe too much. Anger can eat you up and kill your spirit.

Do you see the anger reducing over time, or is it increasing?


SB

Oh, BTW, it is not unusual to have lots of anger at the one year anniversary time. Not unusual at all. I'm asking because I need to understand the overall trajectory of your anger level.

I love my H, and I want to get rid of the anger and resentment. He is trying, and slowly succeeding, in changing what needed to be changed in him. It's been a two step forward, one step backward process. But it ultimately is forward.

It has reduced over time but there are bad days. It does eat me up!

Thank you for responding.

If the anger is reducing over time, then you are pretty normal! It's just pretty average to hit that one-year anniversary point and see a surge in anger and resentment. Sorry to have to tell you that - but it is the truth.

The two-year point is much better - I found myself more reflective at the 2 yr point. The anger died down - maybe because my H had more time to help me heal and payback work done by then. Also, I had done more internal work and reduced triggers and increased understanding by then, too.

Stay with the MB program - you will get through this. On d-day, you need to make sure you will be busy doing something you love to do. Don't be idle, don't make that day some special day to mourn.

Your husband ultimately will look back and completely understand what has happened - and he will take responsibility. You need to understand that your recovery patterns are very different. You are recovering from the trauma, and he is recovering from internal issues. He has devastated his own life, his family's lives, and his marriage - he has a great deal of internal reflection to do, lots of repentance, and lots of restitution. It takes time to figure out these types of issues - he has a great deal of work to do, and although sometimes as BS's we believe that the WS's get off "scot free", the truth is that they have internal struggles that are difficult and deep.

Can you imagine doing what he has done? Can you imagine inflicting this type of pain on someone you love, and then, trying to make up for this?
Can you imagine what might go through your own mind when you turn out the lights and try to sleep - after you have done this to your spouse and children?
Can you imagine trying to figure out why the he// you did this? Why you didn't stop when you could have, should have?

Like I said...the WS does not get off so easily.

Hang in there.

SB

Thanks for saying I am normal! I haven't felt normal in a long time!!

I will make some good plans for D-day. That is great advice. I don't want it to creep up on me.

I love the MB ideas. My H likes them too. I can't imagine destroying my life the way he did. I know in many ways it was worse for him. I still have a great job, my friends and family were supportive and were furious at him when I exposed. I could have walked away and had the ability to support myself, keep my life except for him, and been all right (eventually).

I wish there were local MB support groups for couples - it sure would be a great support system!

Sorry for your pain. Sounds to me like the A is the least of your worries. Attempting R with a swinger would be extremely difficult. Seriously given all the other issues I'd be asking myself is it really worth the hassle

I will NOT be a swinger, or be married to someone who is. He knows this.

It does concern me that he was looking at doing so during the A, with his AP, who would have done so according to the emails between them that I read.

It seems like even in their bad boundaries of having an A, they had even worse boundaries. If that makes sense?

I have an employee who works for me that does this, and she has 4 STDs and is an emotional mess. She's a poster child for anti-swinging. ICK.

Sorry I thought he had done some swinging - my bad. Yes safe sex usually goes out the window in affairs - after all they are 'soulmates' - yuck!

Maybe you should reconsider your choice of employee? I wouldn't have that woman anywhere near me

He hadn't but he wanted to - and so did she. Actually having those emails has helped us in court while she played "harrassment victim" because our attorney actually tracted down two of the swingers and got statements from them.

The employee is actually in another state - I am a regional director for a large company and never see her. Her supervisor told me the details....ick!

I am still worried that swinging is something he wants, and could be a dealbreaker.

Well if it is you have no hope for recovery. Thats something you really need to sort out first

DS, I am sorry you are here, but glad that you found us. The fastest way to get over this is to create a romantic, passionate marriage. It will help you overcome the resentment and help him fill the vacuum left by his affair. The fastest way to do this is by following Dr Harley's guidelines about undivided attention. It works and it works fast. In fact, Dr Harley says his program won't even work with out it.

Go check out these links:
Undivided Attention

Policy of Undivided Attention

The solution is to make your marriage much more attractive than the prospect of swinging. You can do this.

Does he look at porn?

Yes, he looks at porn sometimes.

Perhaps you could use a little porn to spice up your sex life. Although very dangerous when viewed alone, it can be an effective tool for married couples to use TOGETHER. Obviously only if that is something you would be comfortable with. Anyway just a thought

That is not good. When he gets sexual enjoyment outside of your marriage it robs your own sex life. He enjoys your sex life less because he compares it to unrealistic people/situations.

I am reading the Undivided Attention and I have to say that we don't do that. Most of the year, we are in the house alone (with 2 dogs and a cat). Right now, my stepdaughters are here for 4 weeks (3 weeks of this are left, and I am counting it down).

We do go out together to dinner and an event once a week (movie, comedy club show, etc.) but we definately don't do 15 hours together. We will both be on laptops working in the same room, but that isn't UA. We do errands together, and sometimes that is fun.

We don't have SF enough to meet his needs. I just had some surgery and can't right now but even before it, we weren't. All the photos I saw from the A would pop in my head often. I felt like a second choice. I feel that he is only committed to the M now that he is jobless, and in a tight spot and worried about what will happen when he isn't and things settle down again.

You have to MAKE time for each other 15hrs week min. If your M is truly important you will do it

DS, that is what would give you the biggest bang for your buck and recover your marriage the FASTEST. In fact, Dr Harley says that it has to be 15 hours to MAINTAIN. It needs to be 20-25 to FALL IN LOVE, 15 to maintain.

And keep in the mind, the goal here is to FALL IN LOVE. It is not to create a peaceful co-existance, but to create romantic, passionate feelings of love. That is how this program differs from others.

The way my H and I do this is sit down once a week and actually schedule it out. That is the best way to get into the habit. Write out the times, the activity, etc and plan it out for the whole week.

Thanks, we will do so. Can you give me some examples of what you guys plan out? I'd love to do enough to have the FALL IN LOVE feelings back.