Originally Posted by TheRoad
GM
You going out alone in the evening triggers BW.

Is this when you saw the OW?

Did the OW play in the same band as you?

Did you use playing music as a cover for seeing the OW?

Do you need the income from being in this band or is it just a side job?

If you do not need or get income from this band then it's time to say goodbye to the band.

Why?

Because you danced and now have to pay the band. You had an affair. Many things have to be given up after an affair thats the price for stepping out.

You going out alone is triggering BW so you are going to have to stop doing things that trigger her.

As trust gets restored after a few years maybe BW will not trigger if you want to play in a band again.

But for now for get about it.

No, that was a daytime thing for me. But in the early years, when things first got bad (because of me, I realize), I would go to prostitutes at night before coming home after a visit to another city to see my parents every few months, and at professional meetings when out of town. I was a mess, seriously. I had already ruined my marriage, and I justified it as a last resort thing rather than work on my problems to fix my marriage. None of the encounters, nor the affair were related in any way to my music. I have cut out all other activities and am retired from work. DWG and I spend virtually all of our time together. We have even joined the same organizations and travel to those meetings together. Since DWG is a concert clarinetist, she knows all the musicians in town, and my rehearsals are all with people she knows. So, that part isn't a problem. There are no triggers from the music. My parents are dead, so I never go to visit relatives without her.

FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.