Originally Posted by Mark1952

I'll echo what Mrs V said above...


In RM's thread you mentioned that you took something of value from my post to her. I'm glad to help in any way I can, but there are some differences between your situation and hers that you need to keep in mind.

First of all, she is new to this whole process and is just now beginning to learn her way around the whole MB thing. You've been here for a year and a half and even your start at MB follows your getting caught in your affair by some time. By now you and DWG should be well into phase three and not still dealing with phase 1, which seems to be where your wife is stuck at the moment.

So I guess the question I would ask is why do you think that is?

I have what I think might be an answer but will wait for your thoughts first because I am really testing you to check your level of empathy and communication with DWG. And no, it isn't a "no win" kind of deal and it isn't a trick question. I am not trying to trick you, just get a handle on something specific.


Hi, Mark. I am so sorry for not getting back here. For some reason, this thread got removed from my watch list, and I put it back in. I have been relying on the email notifications, and those stopped for me with this thread, but I fixed it. DWG told me about this. I had basically followed Kim's advice and posted my desperate need for help to Dr. Harley in the follow up forum. But I respect your help and insights so much, that you can probably help me as much as anyone.

Basically the thing that seems to be holding up progress is the sheer weight of the damage I inflicted with my lying and serial adultery for so many years, that even though I have been working hard on fixing the many things that I avoided about myself for so long, it really doesn't help DWG with her pain. It isn't like I had an affair or two or three. What I did was so destructive for so long, it almost transcends MB principles to fix and DWG's ability to heal. DWG is stuck with the realization that building the feeling of love may be impossible because of these obstacles. I love her dearly, but I do not have the love bank balance to be "in love" with her in the manner that I felt during the long affair, even though that was delusional. Even though it was literally bought, had many of the feelings as described in Dr. Harley's books that are typical of an affair. I even told her that she was my "soul mate." DWG wants me to be "in love" with her, with all of the overwhelming feelings that entails, but I cannot feel that as long as I can only feel shame, remorse, and even fear of what DWG's mood will be from day to day. I am 100% dedicated to learning to meet her most important EN's, hoping that if I do that long enough, many years most likely, she will be able to put aside enough memories of the past to move on. She claims that she will never be able to heal further unless I am "in love" with her. Somehow, I must feel what a spouse feels when all of their EN's are being met, and their LB deposits have a brimming balance, when really, this kind of thing is no longer possible for her, because of what I did. If I cannot honestly tell her that I am "in love" with her yet, she cannot move on, because she can only think about those feelings that I had for the OW, feelings which I am convinced were delusional. I feel only shame and disgust when I think of the OW now.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.