Originally Posted by HerPapaBear
Originally Posted by GreenMile
Basically the thing that seems to be holding up progress is the sheer weight of the damage I inflicted with my lying and serial adultery for so many years, that even though I have been working hard on fixing the many things that I avoided about myself for so long, it really doesn't help DWG with her pain.

We're back to square one with this vicious circle!

What are you going to do that's different?

What did you see in my last post to you on this thread?

Hi, HPB! Yes, absolutely I saw your post and poem about bringing my broken dreams to God like a child with a broken toy, but letting go, so that He can fix it. I copied it and read it literally every day, sometimes more than once.

I have let go, HPB. And I know that this takes very long time. I also re-read Markos' post every day. Both of those things give me strength. I am not holding out on anything. I am being strong, calm, reassuring, and I am doing the work on myself that needs to be done. I just wish that I could help DWG with this thought she is having about needing me to feel "in love" with her. I cannot feel "in love" with anyone, even DWG, while hating myself for who I was. Somehow, I have to stop hating myself. Right now, I receive daily reminders of who I was. I think that when I am reminded about that each time, it still kind of sucks the life out of me. But it also helps me re-dedicate myself each time. That does seem to help DWG. Many days, she tries so hard not to remind me of who I was, and I feel so much love for her, knowing the effort she is putting into that. I should tell her that more. That is one thing I can do a lot more.

FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.