Originally Posted by Mulan
DWG wants me to be "in love" with her, with all of the overwhelming feelings that entails, but I cannot feel that as long as I can only feel shame, remorse, and even fear of what DWG's mood will be from day to day. I am 100% dedicated to learning to meet her most important EN's, hoping that if I do that long enough, many years most likely, she will be able to put aside enough memories of the past to move on.

This is all very typical Passive/Aggressive philosophy.

me me me me me me me me me

It's not my fault

It's somebody else's fault

she does this and she does that poor me what do I do

I can't, because of her

I'm just a victim

but that's good because victims have no consequences (or shouldn't)

She claims that she will never be able to heal further unless I am "in love" with her. Somehow, I must feel what a spouse feels when all of their EN's are being met, and their LB deposits have a brimming balance, when really, this kind of thing is no longer possible for her, because of what I did.

Again - me me me me me

what about MY emotional needs

I can't give her what she needs but that's her fault

poor poor me I'm a victim

You claim to love your wife, yet turn right around above and say that She's Not Doing Enough For You You You

GM, the bottom line is this:

Once you pull your head out of being a Sneaky 11-Year-Old BOY Who Got Caught and is (still) Desperately Trying to Avoid Consequences By Making Excuses and Blaming Others


You start behaving like a responsible adult MAN who UNSELFISHLY cares for the ones who depend on him without worrying about the reward and without worrying about how long it might take

then you might see some progress.

I don't think I must be expressing myself clearly. The best thing would be for you to re-read my post. I am past that stage. I am not a newbie. We are nearly two years into this. I am not at all concerned about me or desiring that she do anything different to meet my EN's. She would if she could. This is not about me, so you are misinterpreting that, I believe. I am expecting many, many years, and it may not happen at all. I am not "worrying about how long it might take". I am aware that it is 100% my fault for everything. I am not trying to justify anything, make excuses for anything, or expect anything other than the roller coaster. I think you are mistaking me for some guy still in a fog who refuses to take responsiblity. My posts are not about that. Let me re-state it differently: My BW right now, nearly two years after learning that our marriage was a horrible lie, and after experiencing nearly two years of unrelenting horrifying pain far beyond anything that I could ever feel despite my own sense of shame, remorse, and sadness, and despite herculean efforts by both of us to recover, is stuck on a single obsessive idea that has put a roadblock in our path to potential recovery. That idea is the ILYBIANILWY feelings that she has asked me about repeatedly that I have answered honestly, and comparing them to the "in love" feelings that I had with the OW during the affair. The thought of that woman and the entire tapestry of my life for a quarter century only fills me with revulsion and self-loathing. I have deep, deep love for my W, and thousands of love units were deposited in my LB by her for simply not using her "get out of marriage free" card. Yet, I answer her honestly and openly when she asked if I am "in love" with her. Those kinds of romantic feelings are still not happening because of my sense of shame at myself and the pain that comes with feeling guilty, even though that pain is not even in the same universe as that which she must suffer because of my actions. I am not concerned with my pain. Seriously. I accept it and know I must live with it forever. I mention it only because it keeps me from feeling "in love". But my BW obsesses with the idea that I do not feel that kind of giddy feeling that I had for awhile with the OW but do not currently have for DWG. It does not bother me that I do not currently feel giddy over my W, because that will surely come with some years of healing. I love everything about her and being with her, which is a new thing after all those years of discounting her and running away from her and her judgement of me. I fully understand that those judgements were based on who I actually was and how I acted, and they were deserved, logical, and justified. But I am not giddy "in love" with her, and this is driving her crazy. She keeps comparing my lack of that feeling with those feelings that she believes that I had for the OW, and it is driving her nuts and holding back further progress. I would do anything short of lying about my feelings to help her with this, so I don't know how to get past this current roadblock. That is the status of our situation right now. Does that make more sense, or do you still believe that I am just focusing on me, me, me, me? If you do, then I can only say that you are not interpreting this correctly and are simply aghast and angry at who I was and what I did in the past. If so, you are not alone. I share your feelings about that.

Last edited by GreenMile; 08/13/10 12:46 PM.

FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.