Originally Posted by Chrysalis

I just want to say a little bit about the dilemma you have over not feeling in love with DWG, in the same way you felt towards OW.

You need to stop indulging the fantasy. That's all it is. The relationship with OW was nothing but lies and vapors, smoke and mirrors. You were not in love with her. You were in love with your own perfect reflection in the magic mirror she was holding for you.

When you find yourself thinking fondly in any way about OW or your feelings during the A, demand better of yourself. Stop those thoughts dead in their tracks by confronting them for the lies they are.

"Stop! That's a lie! That relationship was built on evil and deception! No more! I choose real life with the real woman who loves me!"

Don't give the fond thoughts any quarter. They are lies. Embrace the truth.

Believe me, I know that very well. I think you are a bit confused about what I have been writing. I never think of OW. That relationship was fake and nasty to boot. I have no thoughts of her. It seems a century ago. Also, like some others who posted responses, you are concluding that those comparisons are happening in my own thoughts and are bothering me. If you re-read the last bunch of pages, it is DWG who has been bothered by this comparison, enough to occupy her thoughts constantly, and her dreams as well. I have been struggling with how to help her with that. I think we have had a breakthrough with that in the last day, so I am very grateful for all the help and insights here. I do appreciate your concern, Chrysalis. And thank you, also, for the condolences. It is interesting about beloved pets. It seems to affect us often more than the loss of a sibling or parent, because we basically inherited the former, but we choose our pets and put ourselves into them. So losing them is actually losing major parts of ourselves. At least it seems like that to me.

FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.