Originally Posted by armymama

Are you going silent again? Will you discuss why you want to befriend a woman on facebook? Do you think you are protecting your BWs feelings with your internet conversations with this woman?


Dear armymama. I have not been on that thread, so it is not on my list of watched topics. Unless DWG posted some misinformation, then you have mis-read her. This all started because I REFUSED a facebook request from her and told DWG about it. Because she is the widow of a famous musician, and because she has met me and talked to me at some music events, I felt compelled to click the "message button" on the ignore friend area and told her why I was NOT friending her. She messaged back some paragraph about how she was just routinely friending after a suggested friend message based on mutual acquaintances, and said that she was offended and hurt by my comment. So, foolishly I messaged back, mentioning how it is not appropriate for me to be friending unmarried women on Facebook and not to be offended, because "I like you very much". That was the big mistake and issue with DWG. For me, it was something i was saying insincerely to be polite and let her know strongly that I did not mean to offend her. So, she came back with more garbage about how she was just a poor, widowed woman with few friends and was only offering help with a couple of music organizations that I am part of.

DWG was furious and hurt that I would write "I like you very much", and I see her point. To make it even more stupid, I had been warned by a board member of one of my music organizations, where I sit on the board, to watch out for this woman, because she is after men constantly. So, I should have just ignored her request and not sent the original message. This woman was playing me, and the "offended" bit was just a huge manipulation.

I have always, all my adult life, been a sucker for these kinds of manipulations, so DWG was rightly very concerned, hurt, and frightened by my "I like you very much, but" response to her. DWG and I had a long discussion about how women manipulate men, the methods they use to do this, and what I should have been reading between the lines of her "hurt" response. She explained to me that this was the classic "damsel in distress" ploy, which I am patterned to fall for for two reasons. 1) I am a man, so I am born susceptible to this and 2) I am a retired physician, and I spent a career trying to jump in and save this person or that person's problem.

But for me and for both of those reasons, as well as my history, it is extremely dangerous for me to fall for this kind of thing. So, I learned a lot about women and how they manipulate men that I never really learned understood before, and DWG helped me do that. I have eBlaster on my computer, so everything I do and post is quite visible to DWG, and I discussed this episode immediately with DWG while it was occurring, though DWG did not know about the "I like you very much, but" comment until she read it on my keylogger report. That is what raised a huge flag for her and led to her strong reaction and posts on this forum in another thread.

I hope that explains it sufficiently. I did not friend nor try to friend that woman, and I was open and honest with DWG about it from the get go. But my falling for her "hurt and offended" ploy was a red flag, and I realize that it was incredibly stupid and violated my plan to protect my emotional weaknesses" and that it was unbelievably stupid to say "I like you very much, but....etc." I realize that now, have learned from it, have updated my plan, and that is really the end of the matter for both DWG and myself.

Last edited by GreenMile; 08/17/10 10:12 AM.

FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.