Originally Posted By: Vibrissa
Originally Posted By: GreenMile
I need to ask you a question. If an acquaintance has a severe deformity they are self-conscious about, and they ask you if they look "ugly", are you perfectly honest with them, or do you tell them "I think you are a beautiful person, and people judge you on that, not on your appearance", even though you know that to the vast majority of people who sees her, that person is revolting or disgusting? I know that is an extreme example, but there are many other examples in social interactions, where "white lies" are merely something that people do when they are caring and humane. I know that you know that. Is such a thing unacceptable from the standpoint of MB radical honesty?


I'm not Pep, but why is your answer the only one? Why can't you say

"I think you are a beautiful person, and people I judge you on that, not on your appearance"

Not a lie -

If the aquaintance asks if you think PEOPLE judge them on their appearance -

"They may, one of the negatives of our society is that looks are very important. I think that is wrong, and I don't judge you by your appearance. I think you are a lovely person."

There are ways to speak positively and truthfully.

It isn't either or.

It's like telling a spouse they can't use Selfish Demands or Disrespectful Judgments - they have no clue how on earth they will cope without these tools.

And yet - it is possible and actually easy once one learns how.

It's a matter of making it a priority and learning how.

White lies are not necessary. Actually it has been my pet project to try to eliminate White Lies so I can try to live a life with more integrity and honesty. I'm liking what I'm seeing as I've tried this - now I'm not perfect, but I think I'm getting better.

So can you.


Outstanding! Those are great points. Those are skills I certainly need.


FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.