I always say DJs are the most insidious LBs. They are so easily justified and rationalized as love and care. We only want what is best for our spouse, we care about them, we know better. We recognize that AOs and SDs are harmful - but we can't possibly be DJing - we LOVE our spouse...

Yeah no...

Any time you think you're smarter than your spouse, you're DJing. Any time you think your way is better, you're DJing. Any time you think it would be nicer if, you're DJing. ANY time you use the word SHOULD with your spouse, you're DJing.

Until you recognize that your spouse is an adult, fully capable of reasoning and making decisions; until you see them as capable of processing information and coming up with an opinion (there are no wrong opinions) you will not be able to eliminate DJs.

Humility is essential. Until you realize you aren't smarter, more logical, more reasonable, more capable than your spouse you will ALWAYS fall victim to DJing them.

Your thoughts, feelings and opinions aren't more 'right'. They just are. Your spouse's are JUST as 'right'. Because there is no 'right' or 'wrong' they just exist. You like your thoughts, feelings and opinions because they're YOURS. Your spouse doesn't have different thoughts, feelings and opinions to spite you, or because they aren't as smart or good as you - they have them and like them because they are theirs. Every bit as valuable and important as your own.

What you need is to look in the mirror and REALLY see yourself. See the flaws and imperfections. Humility and Honesty - first and foremost with yourself.

You are not perfect.
You are not smarter.
You don't have better manners.
You are not a better person.
You are - what you see in that mirror. Really look into the eyes - you probably don't want to because you don't want to see what is there. But accept that what is there may not be pretty, be humble enough to see it, be honest enough to accept it.

You cannot be honest with others because, fundamentally, you are not honest with yourself. You lie to yourself to make it through each and every day.

That is why you justify white lies. That is why you are disingenuous about your motives.

You keep saying all this behavior is 'in the past' that 'you're better now'. You want to be over it.

But you're not - you are fundamentally the same man looking into that mirror, avoiding the eyes. This isn't in the past. This is a few weeks ago, this is yesterday, this is today. TODAY you are lying to yourself. TODAY you are disrespecting your wife.

It isn't in the past.

This isn't about changing behavior - it is about changing the very way you think, the very thing that motivates you. This is about overcoming what it is you don't want to see in that mirror, so that you can become a good man - one who needs no front, no bluster about their 'goodness' because the goodness emanates from within them, undeniable to any who interact with him.

The only way you get that: honesty and humility.

Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'