Originally Posted By: markos
Originally Posted By: GreenMile
I thought I had eliminated them. They morphed into a more subtle form.


They do that.

But you can still kill them.

Prisca and went over the Disrespectful Judgments lesson in the Love Busters course tonight. One of the key concepts for us to discuss was Dr. Harley's assertion "Disrespectful judgments in a marriage should not be tolerated."

I agree. I should not tolerate Disrespectful Judgments from myself toward my wife.


Yes. This is the trickiest part of all: The thing is that my nudging DWG toward doing the week's assignment or lesson, no matter how gently it is done, is still a DJ. On one side, I have a telephone coaching assignment that "you two need to do this" etc., but by worrying that it is not getting done and even making a gentle suggestion, is just a morphed DJ in subtle form and can't be tolerated. It is another example of putting my not wanting to look bad to Kim, or on the weekly survey, ahead of DWG's feelings and her rights as a human being to follow her own course with this. When she is ready, she will be ready. What difference does it really make how I look at the next phone session? None, really. By doing that, I am concerning myself with HOW I LOOK. The whole point is to eliminate LB's and meet each other's EN's. This is where the process of MB kind of breaks down a little bit, at least in this situation. When DWG is ready to jump into these lessons, then the lessons will work, not one minute earlier. Nudging her is a DJ. We do it or we don't that week. Trying to nudge DWG to complete the assignment with me is a DJ. A big one.

Here is another one, at least for me: Succeeding at eliminating LB's, meeting EN's, and gradually winning the trust and affection of DWG on some distant rainbow's end has been looked at by me as an heroic quest. Snagging victory in life out of the jaws of abject defeat and riding into the sunset. But these scenarios in my mind are a destructive neurosis. I am building a dream castle in my mind where I can come out a hero in the end, wiping out forever my villainy and getting off free (redeeming myself) in the eyes of God. This has been my problem all along. Because when DWG, or anyone for that matter, does not fit my script or play their part in my imaginary theatrical productions, I get angry with them, like a football coach whose wide receiver keeps running the wrong route. This is how I ruined my marriage from the get go. I had a vision in my own mind of how it would be, and she did not read my script. I am discovering that even my pursuit of MB thus far has been yet another fanciful dream or neurotic quest that, in the end, revolves around ME. Clearly, if I am really well and take on life on its own terms rather than mine, I can utilize MB as simply an excellent aid in helping US have a real marriage.

At least I am learning how it works, but it looks like my biggest challenge is to eliminate the neurotic constructs under which I have been trying to guide my life. As long as I build these dream castles around myself, no program is going to succeed, including MB. We will just drown in the moat. Is 62 too late to leave childhood behind and grow up?

Last edited by GreenMile; 08/20/10 03:00 AM.

FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.