Originally Posted by markos
GreenMile, I keep forgetting to say this: change your signature.

Take "FBW" out of your signature.

I am sorry to tell you that DancesWithGoats is not a "formerly" betrayed wife. She experiences the pain of betrayal every day. She is by no means recovered. Until then, referring to her as a "formerly" betrayed spouse is like a slap in the face.

Kinda makes the rest of us cringe, too.

(Also, don't you think the very thought kind of opens the gateway back to you disrespectfully judging her? If she is a betrayed wife, then her pain and her reactions are understandable and she deserves our empathy and compassion. But if she has "admitted" she is "recovered" then you are tempted to use that as a bargaining chip to, again control her behavior: you are SUPPOSED to be recovered, so therefore you SHOULD ... It's all just another version of telling her what to do.)

(Tip: let her decide how she feels every day, in fact every hour, for the rest of her life. She doesn't have to feel a certain way today just because she felt that way yesterday.)

Its gone. I never noticed it or thought about it since I re-did it. If it has been making everyone cringe, I wish my attention had been called to it earlier. That makes perfect sense. Wrong term for exactly the reasons you state. She is, was, and always will be my BW. As for your tip, of course that is right. It is what I was referring to in my post about fitting her into my scenario in my brain, instead of allowing everyone and every thing to exist on their or its own terms. To me, that has been a revelation. To a normal person without this kind of neurosis, it is kind of "well, duh"! I am beginning to see my self and the problem that has led to this entire mess of DWG's and my life, and the destruction left in my wake as a result of it. A quarter century of withdrawal and resentments leading to despicable behavior and lying, has been the price of that neurosis. To get well, and to have a chance at recovery requires addressing and curing this. It is a problem that runs deeper than fixing the marriage, because it is the root cause of all of it and is an obstacle to recovery of our marriage.

Though I know better, it almost feels as though becoming conscious of what I am doing and thinking in that regard is already working to dismantle it, which is a very good thing, because my appointment with a psychiatrist is not until Sept. 28. Even then, he will probably just refer me to another subspecialist in this area, with yet another wait. Yes, I understand that this will not be any quick process or one visit cure. This will take a major effort.

FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.