I'm trying...it's just so hard sometimes. Not hard to love him, because I do - totally and completely. It's more of a wondering if/when will come the point that I can tell him what I need and know that he'll try to fill those needs. Or even care that I have needs. Right now he's in massive ignore mode. Doesn't kiss me goodnight (but at least he waited up till I got home from work and at least said goodnight). Doesn't tell me goodbye before he leaves for work in the morning. He used to kiss me goodbye and tell me he loved me even if I was still sleeping. Now he just walks out, this morning my alarm was going off, and I would've tried to wake him if it was me, but he just left without a word. He doesn't respond to emails. At least he did respond to a text I sent just before leaving class last night, I'd asked if I could get him anything on my way home and he responded no.

It's funny about the 3rd party comment, JL, our oldest DD saw the note I left him in the bathroom (wrote in lipstick on the mirror, lol) and she asked me why I would ask Daddy to marry me again. I told her it was because I loved him very much and I'd marry him over again every day if he asked me to.

It's just the ignoring is so hard to take. I know he's afraid to trust me again. I know he's hurt and in pain. Sometimes I wonder if there's a need in there for him to either punish me by the behavior or maybe to see if I'll break and have another A, or maybe to see if I'll just give up. Is the ignoring considered IB? Regardless of how Dr. Harley may classify it, it's always been the biggest LB for me with DH, his stonewalling/ignoring/avoidance. He's always used it as his response in our marriage, usually in response to LB'ing behavior from me (AOs, DJs). And before, I would fly into "harpy" mode and go after him while he retreated, continuing the AOs and DJs. Something I work to avoid now.

I couldn't sleep last night after class (one more night to go!), I never can...teaching at night gets me all wound up and it takes me a while to wind down. So he went to bed before me. When I came upstairs I crawled into bed beside him while he was sleeping and just took his hand.

I have to stop, between reading Hopeful_Person's post and writing this, now I am crying at work and I have a meeting in 15 minutes. Ugh.


"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson