thank you for your response, DNM...I just miss DH so much. It's been very difficult to fulfill the 4 intimate EN's as he just doesn't want to be with me. I have much better luck with the others - DS, for example, one of the things he mentioned on his EN questionnaire was how he hated having to clean up the breakfast dishes before he could start cooking supper (I admit, I was always in such a rush to get out the door to get the kids to school and get to work in the mornings I would leave the breakfast dishes stacked in the sink). I make sure there are no dirty dishes left behind and unload the dishwasher if I need to. Affection I can do, I leave notes, I tell him I love him, I buy him gifts (from big to small). Went to the grocery store at lunch and bought a 12-pack of the soft drink he drinks and put it in the fridge so they'd be cold when he got home. Stuff like that is easy for me and it's almost like a game for me b/c it's fun (hmmm...let's see...what can I do for DH today? lol) I just don't know if he really likes any of it because he never says anything. The EN questionnaire we took is not helpful in that regard because all he said was that I didn't give him enough and when I did he didn't like it, so I've been trying anything I can think of to see if anything hits the mark.

SF is difficult to fulfill as he's told me he has images of me and the OM before, during, and after and he just doesn't want SF with me. I've always enjoyed SF with DH and most always want it with him, but lately the rejection is just wearing on me. I've always kind of had a higher drive than DH, so it's not like rejection is anything new, but still...We still try occasionally but he's either so nonresponsive or his desire comes so totally out of nowhere that it just makes me feel...used, maybe? Confused, definitely. I don't know how to explain it. I know that sounds horrible. It's like I know the affection connection is missing now with him and even through SF, I still can't "reach" him.

I'd agree with the assessment about alcohol and the romantic love threshold, but alcohol won't work for us, though! DH is a recovering alcoholic (was in recovery before we ever met, he has been sober for over 20 years now) and I'm no longer drinking. Although DH disagrees that alcohol played any part in my A and says that me not drinking makes no difference to him (as far as an EP) - because even though I may have been drunk almost every night I chatted with OM online, I was stone cold sober when I made the decision to take things physical with OM. Twice. I can't blame anyone or anything for those decisions but myself.

I learned a lot about the stonewalling issue when we did the Love & Respect Bible study. It really clarified for me that I was also responsible for the condition of our marriage pre-A. I was not a respectful wife. I responded to what I perceived as unloving behavior from DH in a disrepectful manner, which caused him to be more unloving, which made me respond disrespectfully, on and on...until I did the ultimate in disrespectful acts and had an A.

So his "no" response to my text is evidence of Conflict? I guess I didn't really think that - I guess I think of conflict as fighting, but that's not it, is it? It is just stating one's needs, however they come out?

And yes, he DID wait up for me. A few weeks ago, it was lights-out and he was in bed when I got home. Little things. I will keep looking for the little things.


"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson