Originally Posted By: wulffpack_girl
... my issues with trusting God's forgiveness go way beyond the A, and that is something I am working on within me. I also know I have to forgive myself for all of it, and somehow that is harder for me than trusting in God's forgiveness, if that even makes sense...
WPG, if you figure this stuff all the way out someday, let me know.

I find it easy to get tied up in knots on this stuff. Scripture tells me about forgiveness. But I'll be totally honest, it still feels too self-serving for me to claim it. The best I can muster is to say "It's God's call to make."

Forgiving myself? I'm not quite sure what that means. Why should I forgive myself? Deep down, I'm still hugely pi$$ed at myself for how I conducted myself, for the rotten, selfish, bankrupt decisions I made during those 2 & a half months. After all, the guy whose wife I "borrowed" probably hasn't forgiven me. His marriage is gone, and the preponderance of everything I've read tells me that I'd likely only dredge up pain for him if I were to reemerge into his life to ask him for it. Indeed, who am I to forgive myself? So the anger is still there. I am able to set it aside almost all the time now. The few times lately that I've indulged myself to let that anger resurface, it can still burn white hot. So I've learned to just let it be, for the most part.

My wife has forgiven me, and I do accept that, because it's a forgiveness that's tangible to me -- I can see, hear, & feel it every day. Seeing, hearing, feeling her, I cannot do her the disservice of suggesting that her forgiveness is not good enough for me. I can only be grateful for it.

I don't know why I don't quite feel that way yet about God's forgiveness. When I'm alone with God, as it were, I feel the heavy chain that I've forged myself, slung across my shoulders. I fully expect to feel it until my last breath. I do expect it to be finally lifted then, and only then, and I guess that's what passes for "faith" for me. Well, says somewhere that it only has to be as big as a mustard seed, so there...

Now sometimes, for little whiles, I can forget that the chain's there. When I'm watching my son raptly sponging up some science program on TV. When I'm listening to my daughter sing like an angel in her high school choir. When I'm busting my butt at the office. When I'm patrolling center field & hoping for every batter to hit the ball my way so I can have the challenge of tracking it down. Whenever I'm with my wife -- because she accepts me. I'm willing to consider that perhaps all of these things are in some way God's doing, perhaps as some divine preview that He's given me.

I think if I stitch enough of those times together, and fill in the gaps between them by doing good things to care for those I love, and for total strangers, I'll be able to drag this chain to somewhere, maybe at God's feet, where I can dump it someday. When I think how much bleaker outcomes there could be than this, I can't really complain or brood on it any more than this right here. If that even makes sense...

Last edited by GloveOil; 09/23/10 08:13 PM.

Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009