This weekend I've been thinking about attraction and what causes it. The super hot guy I've been getting to know has a lot of habits i don't want to live with. Yet I can't get my mind off him, unless it's to think about the church guy, lol, who would seems he would be pleasant to live with but who I don't think will ever settle down.
I've been asking myself, what is it about Guy#1 that makes me feel head-over-heels for him even though he has certain habits I don't want in my house. We're not talking anything abusive here, but for example, he smokes and I am sensitive to smoke so I can't handle staying at his place too long unless it's been freshly cleaned. In the past, if a man who smoked approached me, I wouldn't have given him the time of day. In this case, I didn't know he smoked until we'd been going out for a couple months. And what is it about Guy #2 (the church guy) who isn't nearly as hot but is such a fantastic guy that I find him just as sexy.
I know part of it is my own personal healing (prayer, counseling). And yesterday two more pieces of the puzzle fell into place: I feel very feminine with them. I also feel safe and protected, like either of them would take good care of me.
Now feeling feminine around him is just body shape and genetics, but it makes SUCH a difference! I'm *in* great shape I (run races), and I *have* a great shape (hourglass figure), but it's a broad shape. People are usually suprised when they see me in person if all they've seen is pictures, because you typically don't find someone with my figure being my size. I rarely feel feminine around guys because my shoulders are typically broader than theirs. The kids in high-school used to tease me about being a football player. But this guy is so broad and tall that just being around him I feel feminine and petite. When I sit next to me, he's taller and I can look up into his eyes. His legs are longer and wider than mine. Do you know how hard it is to feel sexy when the guy you're hugging feels like a little kid? It's not their fault most guys are thinner than me. It's genetics. But it's only part of the libido issue.
But the next part, feeling protected, can help a lot of guys on this board.
Guy #1 is a big dude, 6'4", and no one ever messes with him. And they don't mess with me when I'm around him. When they say something he knows hurts me, such as making fun of the Lord, he makes them stop. Now, he doesn't do that with every single thing that annoys me (and I don't expect him to) but I really appreciate how he does that when it gets to the most sensitive things in my life. I've been out with guys who didn't stand up for me when the waitress/waiter makes fun of my drink selection (I don't drink, and I don't understand why servers think they have to crack a joke about you not drinking? What, are you the driver? well, actually yes I am. What? Why do you want cranberry juice? Do you have a UTI or something?). The last time me and this guy were out, his friend's girl made fun of miss goody-two shoes ordering a coke rather than real drink, and he put her in her place. I've never had that before. Even my own parents didn't stand up for us. As an example, some kids were beating us up and my dad, rather than helping us, decided he was going to play with the kids who were beating us because, as he said that day, they're better than you because you're letting them beat you up. My mom regularly went out drinking with the "mean girls" in school who were always making fun of me and trying to cheat off my papers. So here is this guy, who is a lot of fun to be around, looks good, and by his very nature meets one of the deepest needs I didn't even realize I had. And it makes me crazy for him. Even though I doubt it would work (I just couldn't marry a smoker, I get sick).
Now Guy#2 is financially secure, a ton of fun, and his personality is much like mine. Even though he teases me a lot, he's the first one to stand up for me if I get lost in conversation and someone tries to cut me down. He's very confident, which plays into the feeling of protection, and he's the kind of guy that will make sure your order is right in the restaurant and have the waitress smiling as he does so (as opposed to the kind of guy that wants you to just eat what was brought rather than risk making a scene or, just as bad, the guy who will fix it but make everyone upset in the process).
But there's something that does bother me about him, and it really speaks to that core issue of protection. One thing that disturbs me about Guy#2 is that he tends to want to make everyone happy. My ex was like that. He wanted to make everyone happy and keep everyone liking him but because he couldn't do that 100% of the time, he'd use me as a sacrificial lamb. He often ignored my needs (because he already had me, it wasn't important to make me happy, I was bound to him for life- he told me this) and would tell people "yes" and then, behind closed doors, tell me not to let whatever he had just promised happen. That's probably why he is still very successful in ministry- everyone just likes his public persona. I guess that doesn't make sense, so here's an example: After birth of my son, while I was on home-rest, the ladies from church wanted to come help me clean. He told them sure, come on over this weekend. Then came home to tell me don't you let those women inside this house. I got angry but his rationale was that his reputation was too important. So to the outside world he looked like a great guy and I looked like a mean shrew. I know some of you are thinking, why did you let him do that? but I took that "wives obey your husbands" thing too far, and even though I hated it, I never would tell people the truth.
So as I'm getting to know church guy, I'm looking for indicators that he will be the same way as my ex. I dont' think so, because he doesn't seem to care what other people think of him like my ex does, but still: If I ever remarry, it will have to be someone who I can depend on being right by my side, sticking up for me, and taking care of me. Not just turning a blind eye as other people do me wrong. And yeah, I know sometimes we read too much into things and we think people are slighting us when they aren't but I'm talking on big issues.
I'm hoping that some of the guys on here who are upset about their wives low libido will consider my words and search out whether there's some deeper need (whether it's protection or something else) they can meet for their wife that, once they do so, will help increase her libido.