Thanks, Fred, for the kind words. I guess I was just really pinging last week because I still have a hard time when people try to tell me, as they did here on the forum, that Im lying about what I felt or did not feel growing up. I really need to learn how to let such things go and just accept that some people dont understand. You are right, we all have things we struggle with, but somehow if your struggles are slightly different from others, that makes you some kind of lying weirdo.

Im feeling even worse about myself today because I tried to get a little (just a little, lol) intimate with Big Dude and it went horribly.

Background: I found out one of my girlfriends really, really, liked Church Guy (causing me to back off getting to know him) and since Big Dude (who Ive been getting to know for 6 months) wanted to take our relationship to the next level, and I wasnt interested in anyone else, I decided, I like him, hes hot, so why not go exclusive?


I had flashbacks to my ex telling me he didnt want to take time out for me which totally killed the moment. And when Big Dude tried to encourage me to let it go and relax, he also asked When was the last time you had this much fun with a guy. Well, guess what? Never was the honest answer, but not the right one. He totally backed up, wanted more details, and after hearing them concluded I was some sort of freak weirdo.

I should have known better! Ive actually had a guy tell me Im a weirdo because I waited for marriage and was only with one guy within the confines of that marriage. So I should have KNOWN this guy wouldnt truly honest answers about my sexual past. Why did I tell him? I felt comfortable with him and trusted him, and thought he would be patient with me. After all, its been 5-6 months! But I was wrong.

"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer