Originally Posted by CWMI
But that hasn't improved your marriage, has it? So knock it off, and try MB and only MB, at least for six months.

Many of the things I've done have improved my marriage, some have not. I've hit a plateau, but everything that came before was not a dead end.

I also don't believe that any approach is "one size fits all" -- if that were true there would be no other approaches. Yes, I'm willing to try MB and only MB, but I'm not sold yet. We're playing with high stakes, so I'm not just going to jump in with both feet unless I believe there's a reasonable prospect for success in MY situation.

I will sign up for the 5 coaching sessions program which represents a significant investment -- I'm willing to take that leap.

Originally Posted by CWMI
Have you read plan A?

Yes, 10 months ago I read all about Plan A and Plan B. I did not discover the affair until it was over, so neither plan was relevant. As it turns out, the other man was enacting Plan A, so my W had no choice. I did follow the advice in Plan A however, and went into the confrontation with the goal of normalizing, avoiding shaming, and avoiding blaming. I pursued a plan of measuring my actions against the yardstick of resentment -- would what I was saying or doing create more resentment, or less? I let that guide my actions. Many of the articles assume that wayward spouse is motivated to repair the marriage. In my experience on the DB board, that is rarely the case, at least initially. Usually the wayward spouse is "checked out" and really not that interested in working on the marriage, so the one who wants to repair it has to do all the work themselves -- at least initially -- and that's what I did.

Originally Posted by CWMI
What did you two do to recover from her affair?

I did a lot of research and counseling. According to Dr. Haley's article, there are 3 steps -- (1) end the affair, (2) provide transparency, and (3) meet each other's basic emotional needs.

So for #1, she had no choice, but it was more complicated than that, as she had a prior man she was infatuated with who never really engaged with her, and she was still in contact with him. I got her to agree to no contact with that guy too, although he wasn't really pursuing her. She did provide complete transparency, so #2 was covered also. She has not done #3, and that's why I'm here.

A lot of the affair recovery was done on my own. There are some articles I found on Google that recommend many things that can be done to help, I had her read a couple, but she didn't really pick up on the suggestions. I know she feels badly about how she made me feel, but she doesn't really feel badly about having the affair. From her perspective, she was on a path to leave me anyway, so it wasn't really the wrong thing to do. Obviously I don't buy that, but that's where we are.

Originally Posted by CWMI
Was there exposure?

Not as broadly as Dr. Haley recommends, we told some people but not others. We didn't tell her parents or my parents, we didn't tell our kids. I told my sister and her sister, and a select group of our friends. The program I was following at the time was "Divorce Busting" which is firmly against exposure. That program worked for me really well to turn around the divorce and get to reconciling, so I stuck with it.

Originally Posted by CWMI
Were extraordinary precautions put in place?

Well, I confronted the other man and made my feelings known, and set a boundary for him. They were already working for different companies so no job change was required. His wife knew, so no need to go there. Working with a Divorce Busting telephone coach, I was referred to Pat Love's website about what constitutes an "office spouse" and where the line should be drawn on flirtation, etc. The DB coach recommended that we put a mutual contract in place that is very specific about what exactly is "over the line" and what is not, and that we agree to expose to each other through brutal honesty if we are tempted by someone else, and to work together to deal with it. We put that in place.

All of that, from my perspective, is defensive however and only works in the short term. Longer term I believe you have to get to a place where you believe that you are a spouse who only a fool would cheat on, because of the effort YOU are putting into the marriage. Once you're there, you don't worry about infidelity, because that would be their loss.

Based on what I've done in the last 10 months, that's where I am. I really don't worry about infidelity at all -- if she cheats I'm gone, and I'm good with that. I will make no apologies, and won't look back thinking there's something I could have done better -- I'm just going to do it up-front.

So yes, infidelity is in our history, yes it was horribly painful, but it's not at the forefront of what I'm trying to do right now. I don't think that continuing to focus on it is going to help -- what you focus on expands.

Originally Posted by CWMI
How much have you read of either the surviving an affair articles here, the forums, or the book?

When I was in the midst of recovering from it, I read everything I could get my hands on, including the articles and the forum here and elsewhere, I have not read the book YET, but I will. Suffice it to say I have read many many others. My favorites so far have been:

"Passionate Marriage"
"Divorce Busting"
"How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It"
"The Passion Trap"
"The Solo Partner"
"The Sex-Starved Marriage"
"Why Good People Have Affairs"
"After The Affair"
"Love Must Be Tough"
"The Five Love Languages"

I also read:

"Our Love Is Too Good To Feel So Bad"
"The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011"
"No More Mr. Nice Guy"
"Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S"
"Mindful Loving"
"The Divorce Remedy"
"The Birth Order Effect for Couples"

(Yes, I've been around the block)

The books were all valuable in their own ways, many have recurring themes expressed differently. Some resonated with me more than others based on the specifics of my own situation.

I feel like I've answered all your questions, so maybe you can answer mine:

1) WHY should I try the MB program for six months? What's the success rate? What makes it better than all the other programs out there?

2) What is it about my situation that's going to be helped the most?

As you can see, I've read a ton of books, why is reading one more going to be a huge eye-opener?

I'm willing to read it, I just want to hear from you on this forum, who have had success, why THIS program is the one to go with.

Thanks!

Accuray