Originally Posted by Accuray
I do question if continuing to pursue a spouse who wants more space is really effective. Although you may believe you're making love bank deposits, you may be actually making withdrawals if you're crowding them or if they resent your efforts.

You have to be really, really careful about what you are doing. Something that is a deposit one day may be unwelcome the next.

According to Dr. Harley, a person in withdrawal will not stay in withdrawal. Eventually, they come out of that state, because they feel the need of their emotional needs, and they want them met.

What happens next is one of two things:
a need gets met, and a love bank deposit gets made, or
a love buster occurs, and the spouse retreats back into withdrawal, less likely to come out any time soon.

It's important to remember, too, that the spouse who comes out of withdrawal is in conflict. This means they are willing to have their needs met, but not willing to meet any needs, so tread lightly on that front.

See Dr. Harley's page on the three states of mind in marriage (in the basic concepts), if you haven't already. But really there's a lot more he says about this on the radio.

Don't poke the snail! laugh

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.