Accuray � I�m following your thread with interest. Here is what I�ve understood of your situation.

Your most important emotional needs are not being met in your marriage.

1) You�d like to hear more admiration/appreciation from your wife.
2) You�d also like more physical affection and a more fulfilling sex life.

You feel you�ve expressed your desires clearly to your wife. You believe she has understood your requests. Yet you understand her to be unwilling to do the things that make you feel loved and cared for, the things that create and maintain your romantic connection to her as your wife. As far as you can tell she simply wants to be accepted and appreciated �as is.�

Is this a good summary of where you�re at?

In order to fix a problem, you generally need to understand it. Your current understanding of why your wife refuses to do the things you�ve asked is they are essentially unpleasant for her. She doesn�t like to express admiration, she doesn�t like physical affection much and she doesn�t enjoy sex. She�s willing to engage in these activities for your benefit, but not with much true passion or enthusiasm.

If this is true you have a very challenging situation on your hands.

?? - Has your wife always been so uninterested in the things that matter most to you? (Admiration/Sexual Fulfillment/Affection)

If so I�m curious how she ever deposited enough in your love bank to cause you to fall in love with her. I struggle to imagine you married a woman who made it clear she was not going to meet your needs in marriage. I suppose it is possible.

?? - If she used to be better at meeting your ENs, what happened? When and why did this change?

We need to know the why.

It is possible there is a currently unseen reason for your wife�s attitude towards your unmet ENs. She may not know why herself. If there is a reason that could be discovered, understood and addressed, you may have something you can work with.

So, aside from simple ambivalence, why do you think your wife is unwilling to meet your ENs? What is keeping her from doing the things you ask?

While you�re considering the answer I�m going to speculate a little on why your wife is unwilling to do the things you have asked her. I may get close or I may be way off base.

1) Maybe she truly feels incapable of meeting your needs in the ways you�ve proposed. If she could do what you ask, she would. But she feels she simply is unable to do so.
2) Maybe rather than requests your wife is hearing complaints. She interprets your requests as essentially negative judgments against her. Ie �A good wife would do X� When interpreted in this way, she naturally resists fulfilling your needs out of duty. The motivator here is guilt, not love, and thus not very inspiring or durable.
3) Maybe your wife is not in love with you.
4) Maybe your wife does not value your ENs as being worthy or important.

That is probably enough speculation. 1 is an interesting possibility. 2-4 are all variations on the theme of �unwillingness.�

What do you think? What is your best answer to that question?

Harley�s principles are simple. Putting them in to practice is not always so easy, especially when each spouse is not quite on the same page. I�m glad you�re getting coaching. I commend you for your plan to implement a great plan A.

It does seem to me that the heart of the issue is answering and addressing the question �Why?� This seems the key to changing your wife�s behavior.

PS � I don�t know that lowering our expectations really works. Emotional needs are needs, not desires or hopes. If they go unmet they cause emotional damage. I don�t know that you can just try to lower your needs. What you may need is to be more flexible with is *how* your wife meets your emotional needs. Maybe you haven�t POJA�d effectively. (POJAing on delicate topics can be tough.)