Originally Posted by Accuray
I would rather affair proof my marriage by being a husband only a fool would leave versus trying to police what my W is doing.
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Maybe I'm being naive, but if she's out courting affairs it's because I'm not meeting her needs and not making enough love bank deposits.

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I've read the arguments on both sides,

I doubt you've read this equation, which comes up on the board from time to time:

Unmet emotional needs + weak boundaries = affair
Unmet emotional needs + strong boundaries = no affair
Met emotional needs + week boundaries = affair
Met emotional needs + strong boundaries = no affair

I agree that going back and forth on it is probably not productive for you at this point, though. There is more to Marriage Builders than snooping.

A better question than snooping is this: does your wife practice openness and transparency? If you ask to see her cellphone or her email, does she give it willingly, or blow up at you? As long as she is open and transparent, willingly grants you access to everything as much as you want, then Dr. Harley would say "snoop until snooping is boring." It sounds like snooping is boring for you. smile

On the other hand, if your wife does not practice openness and transparency, then I am certain that she has something to hide. In that case, Marriage Builders predicts that no amount of meeting emotional needs, alone, will keep her in the marriage.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.