Wow, lots of feedback! Thanks! I'll try to take it in order:
Stop being confused and start asking questions, really listening, and paying attention. If she doesn't like boating, check that one off the list and find something else she might like.
This made me laugh! I've been doing nothing but asking questions and really listening for almost a year. I just don't get responses. I either get silence, or "that's the way it is". Why is it that way? "because". Forget about boating, the only reason that's here is someone suggested that's something they like doing with their spouse. My W claims to like no physical activities at all. I try to find things we can do together, but it's a one-way street in terms of suggestions.
If she feels like it is impossible to ever make you happy, that is your fault.
According to the professionals I've consulted, it's my fault only if that's true, because I'm either crazy demanding, never satisfied, or have unreasonable expectations. The consensus of the IC's and MC's I've visited is that this is not the case, that this is my W's issue, and I can't own it. If you believe it's my fault, that's ok with me.
You are giving her too much to do at once. Pick 1-2 things you'd like her to work on the most and only complain about those once per week. You are trying to get her engaged and telling her several things you want her to fix several times per week is not going to do it.
I've mislead you. I don't complain at all. I don't made demands. I have told her in the course of relationship discussions what my emotional needs are and what I would like, and she has told me she's not going to work on those, in any context. I don't have a huge list of things. I've told her I would like more intimate conversation and words of affirmation, and I've told her that I would like her to work on a mutually enjoyable sex life, not one that is focused on me. That's 3 things. I told her if she can only work on one, then let's focus on intimate conversation, and she says "no". All three are no individually or together.
I have a tendency to make things sound like complaints when I don't mean them that way. I, like you, thought it was my husband's issue when he brought it up to me, he just needed to stop misinterpreting me. But, the more I read here and worked on our marriage, the more I understood that was I was doing could come across as complaints and that it was easier for me to reword those things or not say them than it was for him to not feel offended. Also, I found that he was less likely to interpret my behavior as negative (like your following too closely in the car example) when I stopped saying things that sounded critical to him.
Can anyone improve their communication skills? Yes. I know my W is hyper-sensitive to criticism, so I have been ultra-careful to completely stay away from it. I often feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I'm aware of what I'm saying and how I'm saying it, and if she pounces on something that comes across as possibly critical I make damn sure not to do it again. I'm really working on this, I'm not just saying "that's me, too bad, it's all you". Our MC told me that some of her behavior is "crazy making" and I can't own it.
What is your plan to get her out on dates with you for more hours per week?
I keep arranging for babysitting and inviting her on dates, and she keeps refusing. She says that she feels guilty for the time she spends away from the kids at work, and only wants to go out on dates with me once per month. I made offers twice this week and both were refused.
She also says she doesn't want all the conversation time that I have proposed. She will only agree to 2x - 3x per week.
Do you have an appointment with Jennifer or Steve at this point? When?
Jennifer is out for a month. I have an appt with Steve for Monday, that was first available that would work for both of us.
Markos, I like the rocks and buckets of sand analogy, and I agree that the problem is the absence of romantic love.
I am not convinced that making love bank deposits will "make someone fall in love with you", but I agree it can't hurt and I really have nothing to lose, so I'm going to go for it!
I feel I have been doing this for 10 months now, I guess I just haven't tossed in the 500th rock, or in my case maybe the 50,000th rock. I'll keep tossing.