Originally Posted by Callmebruce
...My cousin is caught in the middle, he told her at one stage that she is out of line, she apologised to him for months till he started to message him again. I can understand his position and I told him not to worry. ...
Bruce, I'm sorry, but that's a ridiculous thing to say. He's not been 'caught in the middle' at all -- no one has put a gun to his head and forced him to engage in these close conversations with your wife about intimate matters that are none of his business. He makes active choices to be 'in the middle' every time he returns her calls & texts & emails or merely when he chooses not to indicate that her communications on these matters are unwelcome to him. He is thus a willing participant. Maybe the correspondence & the emotional attachment weren't his idea at the beginning, and maybe his initial reaction (that the calls were out of line) was the correct reaction, but obviously, he hasn't driven the message home to her properly, and thus, he has opportunistically kept the door open for them, and perhaps for more. Now you need to take decisive action where he has been wishy-washy.

I know all about such opportunists. You see, I was one such person, four years ago. I didn't start out looking for an affair, but I left the door open for a woman who was another man's wife to talk to me, and when she began talking about 'issues' in her marriage, I failed -- chose not to -- close that door. It led to more pain than you have any idea about, for my wife, for her husband, for me & for others.

So you don't need to feel sorry for him. Rather, what you need to do is to tell your cousin in no uncertain terms that it has come to your attention that the volume & content of his comunication with & his attention to your wife has resumed, is beyond the pale, is interfering with your marriage, and will not be tolerated any further; and that while you can't hold him responsible for initiating conversations that she initiated, you damned sure do hold him responsible for continuing them and for not shutting them down. Tell him that no communication of his with your wife is welcome any longer, unless he's man enough to send it via you. (Which I suspect he's not.) You need to put some well-merited fear into this cousin of yours, such that he'd rather be inclined to jam a red-hot poker up his own bum than to be perceived as interposing himself into your marriage. Man up & defend your marriage from this opportunist, for God's sake. As regards the fate of your marriage, you should be much more afraid of underreacting than of overreacting to your cousin's bad judgment & opportunism.


Originally Posted by Callmebruce
...I had a lot of close girl friends that I lost contact with once we got married and recently getting in contact with to prove to myself that what she's doing is OK. It doesn't feel right to me and I feel guilty for even talking to them. I can't she how my wife doesn't understand how I feel, when I clearly don't feel ok talking to these girls knowing how it would make her feel. ...
And that's correct, Bruce, you shouldn't feel OK talking to them. Ignore those girls from before you were married. You should not be in contact with them at all. Talking to them won't improve your marriage. Instead, get the book "Surviving An Affair." It'll help introduce to you some concepts such as an emotional affair, boundaries, extraordinary precautions, unmet emotional needs, and undivided attention -- that you'll need to learn about in order to save your marriage & make it better than it has been before. (If you'd like a head start, you can also find out about many of these concepts by reading in the links from the yellow box on the right-hand side of this webpage.)


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009